Sotto I think you know me very well. Being in this roller coaster has taking a life on it's own sometimes. I am finally getting to my senses and feeling a little bit better about this whole nightmare.
I changed the locks, changed the garage code, asked XH to take his stuff from my house (even tough he is dragging his **s for now), said no for intimacy during the Thanksgiving holiday, and I am going pretty dark these last days.
I know it is not something to be so proud off looking at so many mistakes I made until now, but I think it is a beginning of something bigger in my life.
I did some soul search and I realized that I am indeed very much in love with this man. I don't know why, neither for how long since his stupidities hurt my kids and myself. I asked a question that is very simple, to myself... if after all of this I would forgive him and would forget the hurt and give a chance for my M, family... and the answer is yes.
I know what was my part on the break of my M, I know I could have done things different and I know he had a lot to regret too.
I need to be sincere with myself and that is were I stand right now. That this M will be restored? I really don't know, and most of the time I believe that he is done with me.
By other hand, he is always around, being gentle and compassionate, always goes back to our R subject, keep showing me all his changes, make me see that he is a better man, even call my attention that he was not so bad during our M, in the last two or three months he has been saying how much he understands now that he could have reacted somewhat different and our lives would be way better.
That he regret all what he did? He says he does, but I do not believe he does. There is part of him that still wants to get even with me for some reason that only him knows. He needs to hurt me, and I think he gets really annoyed that he does not see my reaction against him. Maybe he is trying to justify himself, believing that I am a bad person and that's why he left.
The truth is that I have no idea why he does what he does. The only thing that I can see is that he made a decision to leave his M and he is pretty much in the same boat. He never said that he would even think about the possibility of coming back, so there is nothing to hope for.
By my side, after so many 2 x 4s, reading some material to understand M, R and life, I came to the conclusion that I need to work on myself and become strong again.
I know I have the strength and I know I have the will, for a person like me, it is more like a need to take that decision and move forward. And I feel like I am finally here, the time I need to focus on myself and the next stage of my life.
I decided to do my best and not be around when XH comes to pick up the kids, I do not text, call or ask him for anything. Now, I really believe that I want him as far as possible to have my own space to regroup and restart.
It's not easy, but it is not impossible, and as a matter of fact, it is getting easier and easier every day, to let go of the old and start anew.
That all this will bring him back, I don't know, and I feel it is almost impossible since we are totally done already. But who knows, there was always something there. Sometimes I think that if he could bring himself to be close to me even when I told him straight I did not want to be intimate with him, I have my doubts if it is possible or not to fall in love all over again.
When XH met me, I was a very independent woman, I was not afraid of anything, I was determined and gorgeous. Time went by I believe I became a potato bag... a mom, wife. The woman disappeared. Now I need to rescue that woman, get her back and be the girl I was once.
It's a little trick now since I have the kids on my tale, but I need to find that balance to get it done for my own good. My pride was hurt badly because of my D and I need that back.
So, I am dark and I will continue to be dark. I gave a lot of excuses and did not GAL so much. Now, I am accepting my friends invitations and I am actually enjoying it.
There is a sense of separation now, I get that would be nice to restore my M. But then, what M? There is no more M to restore, it is dissolved already.
So, XH is just another guy with the potential of getting my heart, that's all. I do not want to be alone forever, I want to find a partner and share life. Will be with XH? I do not know.
I have been changing and it has been extremely hard. Lots of pain, tears, but I feel like I have been swimming in an enormous ocean and now I can see land and I can finally rest.
I feel some peace inside my heart. I have moments now, sometimes the sorrow and pain comes back to me for a quick visit and then I do my best to think about my own self and my improvements.
Is this detachment? Maybe it is. Is this self improvement? I think so. Am I in the right direction now? I believe I am. Am I going to be successful? It is now up to me to make the best of my days.
So today, I do not feel sad anymore, instead I feel determined to make my life better. I do not feel anxious and nervous anymore, instead I feel I want to live this day a little better then the previous one and I feel the hope to make the next day a little better then today.
I own my life now... it's all mine and I really love who I am. I have a strong character and I like it. I am most of the time kind of quiet and a little shy, but I have a lot of life inside of me.
I feel happy, I feel hope in myself, I feel I can do it for myself and take my new path to the next level.
I want to make 2016 a year without too many tears, but instead a year of rebuilding from all the ashes left on the ground.
And you are right Sotto, this board is the main reason I got where I am right now. It gave a lot of lesson and mainly the perspective that I can live a good life and be happy no matter what.
People like you, filled my life with hope. I could even say that I got to all these conclusions for myself, because I want you all to be proud of me. This is crazy I know, but I just feel this way.
I love you with all my heart, you have been there for me when there was only darkness and I will never forget it.
