I do not recall anyone being remorseful while actively being in an affair. A WW has to have reality to blow her fantasy castle to smithereens. She has to have consequences due to her choices. She has to learn to respect boundaries. She has to suffer some type of loss. If none of these happen, she really has no reason to feel remorse for her actions.
When she ends the affair and comes out of the fog, then she can begin to think of others and what she has done to them (her husband, children, parents, friends, etc.). It took me a long time before I could truly feel remorse, b/c I was so resentful of my H. It is difficult to feel remorse when you feel a certain amount of justification. I would not admit that I felt justified, but then I couldn't feel sorrow and deep regret, due to my anger toward my H.
She won't "snap" out of this, b/c it comes in bits & pieces. Her feelings for you will not bounce back. However, she can find herself again. She can be remorseful. She can feel love for you again. It just takes longer than most newcomers believe.
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And doesn't this all boil down to choices? Seems to me that we can have alot of excuses why things happen but the freedom to choose she is aware of and she is choosing to walk away from her family.
Oh, absolutely! I don't make excuses for any WW. None! She may act crazy at times, but she really has her own free will to choose. I try to explain them, their mindset, and some of their issues, and some of the process it takes them to get back all the way.
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What scares me is that when and if she does wake up and realizes what she has done she will committ suicide. She spoke of this last spring when this all first started. Several times she said this. I dont know if she stills feels this way or not.
You mean she threatened to commit suicide if she realized she made the wrong choices? Has she ever threatened in the past about other things?
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Why wouldn't she file for divorce herself if she wanted out? seems to me if she wants out then she would do this on her own. Its not my duty to file for her.
That is something that seems to puzzle most everyone. The only thing I can tell you is that selfishness motivates the WW. Whatever her reason, you can bet it is for her best. A lot of WW's will keep their H on the back burner, legally, until she is setting real pretty in the next relationship. Until she knows 100% the OM won't back out, or that she is certain of other things.........she has her H (and the security he offers) as her backup plan.
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That just removes her guilt from filing.
I have to respectfully disagree. Most LBH's think (or want to believe) that the WW feels guilt, and that's the reason she does or doesn't do something. The WW feels very little guilt during the time she's fogged out of her mind, resentment/rebellion, and involved with OM. If she doesn't feel guilty over her adultery, tearing apart her family, and betraying her H............she isn't going to feel guilty about filing. She just doesn't think the time is quite right. When she's really set, nothing will hold her back.........not even guilt.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
