Next Step?

[sandi2]

I meant to ask you if your W had been in therapy, due to the molestation?

Another thing I thought was odd. The other day W came by to pick D for a lunch date. A few days before I had texted her to ask to email me the sugar cookie recipe for Xmas. This was one of our traditions as a family was to bake and decorate cookies for family, friends. Great cookies. W loved doing this and is a great at making sweets and meals. She loved doing that. But anyways she dropped off 2 cook books. One of hers and one of her Mom's who is deceased. They had all the old hand written recipes back from her grandma. I dont understand why she gave those to me. She has also emotionally detached from the home we have lived in the past 16 years and the items in it. Including her parents furniture, pictures, anything with sentimental value. Is this normal?

You will probably witness several odd behaviors from your W, b/c she is going through a personal type of crisis. Sometimes, they look at those things (mom's recipes, favorite cookbooks, etc.) as being their former life, and now they have no need for it.

When my S's wife divorced him, she boxed up all their wedding pictures, and a lot of the wedding gifts, and things that had once been very sentimental to her. She gave it all to him, and it hurt to know it meant nothing to her now. She was starting a new life with a new man, and the things she had in her former life was not important. It had no sentimental value.

When I was going through my own crisis, I was ready to walk away from everything in my home and go to another state to live with a man I met on the Internet. How crazy is that? I mean, I think I'm a level headed person, but you can't reason with crazy!

So, some things.......or a lot of things, you just won't be able to figure out. When she comes through this, hopefully, she will return to the person she use to be.

[cola]

Thank you for your help! Well with the 180 I have always been a fixer and would take care of any problems that would come up. I had been been talking to and pursuing her all along thru these past 9 months. So I stopped texting, calling or having any contact with her, unless needed. Just doing opposite of what I had been doing.
Her not being happy has always been an issue with herself. She was molested as a child and her self esteem has always been low. Her quitting work and us becoming empty nesters I believe stirred all these feelings. I may be wrong but I believe she concocted all this crap in her own mind. She made the choice to take it out on her marriage and now family.
Not that any of that matters now, but I sure would like to know reasons.
Well I'll probably wait a couple months and if there is no change I will file.

[cola]

No she has not been to therapy for the molesting. She needs to go back now for all her issues. But it cant be forced.

[Cadet]

I'll probably wait a couple months and if there is no change I will file.

If you want a divorce then that is the way to proceed, although remember this place is called divorce BUSTING, it is unlikely that in a few months she will have worked through all her issues.
They didn't start in that amount of time and will take much more to be fixed.

[woundedfool]

They didn't start in that amount of time and will take much more to be fixed.

+1, this is going to be a marathon, and not a sprint. If you are hoping this will be wrapped up and your W will come running back to you in a couple of months... dump that expectation.

In fact, dump any and all expectations.

Now, we have the 411 on your W and the crazy train she jumped on. But tell us more about you. Have you gone through any type of MLC yourself?

[cola]

I understand. Do they ever show remorse in an affair? or if it is a MLC it sounds as if I may as well move on. She has made the comment that all this stuff in the house is just stuff. If the house burned down oh well, its just stuff. She used to be very attached to these items especially things that belonged to her parents.
And doesn't this all boil down to choices? Seems to me that we can have alot of excuses why things happen but the freedom to choose she is aware of and she is choosing to walk away from her family.
I want to save this marriage but at times it is overwhelming to think about and get absolutely no response. What scares me is that when and if she does wake up and realizes what she has done she will committ suicide. She spoke of this last spring when this all first started. Several times she said this. I dont know if she stills feels this way or not.
Why wouldn't she file for divorce herself if she wanted out? seems to me if she wants out then she would do this on her own. Its not my duty to file for her.
That just removes her guilt from filing.

[WhyUs]

cola,

Sorry you are here. None of us plans on going through this terrible experience. I wish you the best. My only advice right now is to have patience.

[WhyUs]

She has made the comment that all this stuff in the house is just stuff. If the house burned down oh well, its just stuff. She used to be very attached to these items especially things that belonged to her parents.

This sounds just like my WW. Your W is a different person right now. This is just more proof that she is.

[cola]

No I have never had any thoughts that I missed out on anything in life. I grew up athletic, played D1 college football and baseball. My senior year I got cancer. they gave me no more then ten years and I'm still her 32 years later. I began my own business at 22 and have been very successful. But I have always been content with my life. I never expected anything form anyone and knew that I had to work if I wanted to be successful. My family is my life. I have always made the time and commitment to them. They were always 1st and still are my priority. This is the same for my W, her family meant the world to her. My mental strength has always been strong and I have endured alot of pain through out my life. Losing family members. Seems every 5 to 7 years I lose somebody. I never thought in this 5 year period it would be my wife.
Have to say losing siblings to accidents, losing parents and inlaws,
to heart disease, cancer, dimentia. This is the most difficult. I sometimes feel it would have been easier if it were a death. Not betrayal and her losing her mind.
I'm still grounded in who I am, and I have to be for our daughter. She graduates this December from State and is moving to begin her career in merchandising. My wife and I looked so forward to this time in our lives. Guess she had other thoughts. I have always been a very happy person and I feel very kind to others. If someone needs some help in their life I am always willing to help out. Thats who I am. Wife was the same. Now she is very narcisstic, materialistic, and lots of other stics.LOL.

[woundedfool]

I understand. Do they ever show remorse in an affair?

Sometimes. Why is that important to you?

or if it is a MLC it sounds as if I may as well move on.

Why?

She has made the comment that all this stuff in the house is just stuff. If the house burned down oh well, its just stuff. She used to be very attached to these items especially things that belonged to her parents.

Experiences in life can change those views. And we are not so rigid that we cannot change opinions or views. Especially as you get older, maybe instead of the memories, you look to pass on a legacy.

And doesn't this all boil down to choices? Seems to me that we can have alot of excuses why things happen but the freedom to choose she is aware of and she is choosing to walk away from her family.

As much as I wish it was, its not that simple.

I want to save this marriage but at times it is overwhelming to think about and get absolutely no response

It is overwhelming, for all involved. But don't be hung up on no responses, remember she has immersed herself into this new life to avoid dealing with the old one. That is why it is very important for you to GAL! Its overwhelming when you think of it ALL THE TIME.

What scares me is that when and if she does wake up and realizes what she has done she will committ suicide. She spoke of this last spring when this all first started. Several times she said this. I dont know if she stills feels this way or not.

I have no real comment or advice here, other then you mention it about 180's that you need to stop trying to fix her.

Why wouldn't she file for divorce herself if she wanted out? seems to me if she wants out then she would do this on her own.

Excellent question, but that is for her to sort out.

Its not my duty to file for her. That just removes her guilt from filing.

I can't disagree. However, I would still recommend talking to an attorney about sorting out your legal obligations.