Dealing with WW, Divorce, and Kids 3

[WhyUs]

Last Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2628305&page=11

[WhyUs]

I have not posted as much lately or read others threads as much. I have not been as absorbed by my situation as much. I feel much better. I've gained back 15 pounds.--not all good weight, but it shows I have my appetite back.

WW continues to do ridiculous things to keep the kids from me but for some reason it is not bothering me as much. I feel confident that when we go for our custody hearing I will get a better deal than what I have now. More and more I wonder just how much custody I really want. Sometimes I feel like I would be find with the current agreement if I had Right of First Refusal. Other times I feel like I need to take the kids as the primary custodian because WW is going to screw them up.

By the way, she got in a wreck the other day and my oldest was in the front seat without a seatbelt on.--Just another dumb move on her part. She would have never done something like this before. She has certainly relaxed in the parenting department to say the least. I don't know if the police reported this, my D7 just told me about it.

I can confidently say that if WW approached me about getting back together I would say no. This is a far cry from where I was 6 months ago. I do not want her anymore. I do not want her drama, her crazy family, or her lies. It is just too much. Part of me hates that I feel this way because she told me that I would see that the D was better. I really do not want to give her that. I still do not think her having and A and wanting a D was the best route.

If the A never happened and the D was never filed I think things would have been okay. What's done is done, we can not go back in time. I can not fix the damage and neither can she. I have reached a point where going forward is the path of least resistance. I talk with me IC today. I am curious as to what she will say about my current state of mind. I imagine she will say it is healthy but to anticipate it to change and sway back and forth.

[WhyUs]

Well IC said something I did not expect. She said it seemed soon for me to be ready to move on. It seems strange that she would say that. Everyone I know is telling me it it time to move on.

[Drew]

She said it seemed soon for me to be ready to move on.

I agree with her. In fact, I question your commitment to DB.

WW continues to do ridiculous things to keep the kids from me but for some reason it is not bothering me as much.

Obviously, based on this:

By the way, she got in a wreck the other day and my oldest was in the front seat without a seatbelt on.--Just another dumb move on her part.

She puts your child in danger and all you have to say is dumb move on her part?????? I'd be pushing for an immediate hearing and certainly not wait until after the first of the year.

I feel confident that when we go for our custody hearing I will get a better deal than what I have now.

I'm not sure why you feel that way. You've been very passive when it comes to the legal aspects of parenting. But this probably explains it:

More and more I wonder just how much custody I really want.

Whyus, what do you want from this site? Is it just to vent? You don't get a lot of traffic on your thread, in fact I'm one of the few to post to you, because it seems like you don't agree with what we are telling you. Which is fine. Just tell us what you want.

[gonegrl]

WhyUs, I am so glad you are feeling better. Maybe your IC has some insight as to why you need more time, or maybe you have moved on. Time will tell. My friend, the therapist told me it takes 2-3 years to recover from a divorce, I asked her if that counts the time still married and "working on it" and she said no. My guess is that if you are working on it from a DB perspective and really working on yourself, that has to shorten the recovery time.

I am sorry about your daughter, it sounds like she was ok though?

[fade]

Sounds like you are in a much better place.

But I strongly caution you about feeling like you are OK with the custody status quo right now. I've seen lots of guys get to your stage where they feel OK with how things are going. But I can pretty much guarantee that in a year or so you will regret not doing all you can to maximize your time and your rights to them.

[WhyUs]

Hey Drew,

Thanks for posting your concerns. I will try to address your questions. I'm not really sure how commited I am to DB either. I have no direct contact with WW because legally I cant. The only contact is through SIL and the L's which is pretty adversarial. I don't see DB working when our only contact is over custody issues. I GAL and am in a much better place right now. I go to church regularly and take my kids when I have them. I try to be the best dad I can be. I go see them at school once a week.. You name it I pretty much do it.

I told my attorney today about the wreck. He wants to see the police report before taking any action. I'm paying my L a lot of money and have spoken to 3 other L's. I take your advice and weigh it against what they say. I am not ignoring it. However, to be honest, they do this for a living and I really don't know you from a whole in the wall. Please don't take that the wrong way because I do value your opinion and you absolutely validate my feelings and instincts.

I came to this board to save my marriage. I have found it a good place to vent and read others sitches. This board has been very helpful for me in the healing process.

I honestly feel hopeless about saving my M given the circumstances. I feel like I have to accept what has happened. I feel our relationship has reached a point where the road of least resistence is to move forward with the D. Maybe that is weak of me. Maybe it is typical human behavior. I dont know. I cant answer the traffic issue on my board issue. I don't see most folks on here talking about legal issues. Maybe it is not of interest. Maybe my sitch is not very appealing.

I dont think it is beacause I ignore folks. I have received great advice on this board and have accepted it. My prior 6 threads have been deleted at my request so there is probably a lot you are missing from my sitch. I came here a pathetic wreck crying everyday. I lost 30lbs in two months. I have picked myself up with the advice I have received here. I am trying to be the best me I can be.

I'm not sure what I want. This feeling of going through with the D is very new to me. Before, I wanted to save my M. Now I am just journaling I suppose. My mind is in a state of transistion and It is difficult for me. I know that I do appreciate the legal advice I receive and I do run every bit of it by my L.

[WhyUs]

Thank for stopping by Pho. Wow, 2-3 years seems like a long time. I have also heard that it takes one month for every year that you are married. That would put me a 10 months. I'm currently 7 months into my sitch.

My daughter is okay. They were not going very fast. They were driving in a residential. Apparently WW took her eyes off the road and hit a parked car.

[WhyUs]

Sounds like you are in a much better place.

But I strongly caution you about feeling like you are OK with the custody status quo right now. I've seen lots of guys get to your stage where they feel OK with how things are going. But I can pretty much guarantee that in a year or so you will regret not doing all you can to maximize your time and your rights to them.

Thanks fade. I do feel like I am in a much better place right now. I intend to try and gain Right of First Refusal. I do not see a judge turning this down given our circumstances.

Part of me wants primary custody because I think I can raise the kids better that WW. I know I will be better at providing an environment that is conducive to co-parenting. I certainly will not attempt to alienate WW from the kids.

I honestly cannot afford to go to court every time WW does something dumb. I do not have the money and I do not want to be one of those families that finds themselves back in court every six months. If she does something egregious like getting a DUI with the kids in the car I will obviously go straight to court.

I thank you for your word of caution about settling for the status quo too soon.

[Vanilla]

WhyUs

There is a difference between moving forward and moving on.

Moving forward is rebuilding your life. Moving on is choosing to seek a permanent new life partner.

From that which I read you are doing the former and possibly starting to paddle the idea of the later pool.

You have let go though and it's a good place to be to seek connection with your daughters. V still has her notes on your sitch if you ever need them.

Remember DB is about you, it is about doing that which works for you, irrespective of WW or your old M.

If that means moving forward so be it. Frankly If I never heard about or from my WH again, it would really help me. However, at this point I still DB (more DR really!). I do this because it assists me.

Lovely to see you posting.

The accident may just be an accident as long as there are no substances involved, the concerning issue is the seatbelt. Likely to reveal WW is under stress somewhat, I think sensible to keep your eye on it.

Your lovely Ds, and I recollect how you discussed each one are more important than anything else. In due course if WW slides further then Custody for you may be very important.

I sense shift my friend. Give you beautiful Ds tons of hugs. Special one from V.

I did mention hugs didn't I?

I am sure I did!

Hugs

V