Well, my guess is that she is doing the zombie act to discourage you from trying to persuade her that things could be better. Some women ride their H's back and show all type of disrespect, others are cold as ice. It is a method of proving to the H that it's useless to pursue a better relationship. In her mind, she is through with the M and has no intentions of putting up with any of your attempts to make things better. I believe some women treat their H worse after the BD, as a way to get him to agree to a divorce.
I think the best way for handling her not saying hello, etc., is for you to walk through the room and say, "Oh, hello", and keep moving, as though you are involved in something else. Don't hold up or wait for her response. Don't even wait to see if she speaks first. Just say hi, and move on. When you are detached, it won't bug you. Detached, you speak........based on the fact you are being the best guy you an be, and not based on her moods or lack of interactions. You move throughout the house doing whatever you want, saying whatever you want. It is her choice if she doesn't want to respond. Don't push it, don't over kill, and don't allow your emotions to control your actions.
Yes, I have an idea of why she is being rather rediculous about giving details of her whereabouts, but I will reserve those thoughts for the moment.
Have you noticed any changes in her appearances? Dressing younger, different hair color, plastic surgery, etc.? Notice any new friends? Does she spend more time on her phone or Internet?
Has she mentioned any new employees at work? Does she make business trips, or spend nights with girl friends? Has she lost interest in doing things around the home? Before the BD, did you notice if she appeared withdrawn more than usual?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. No changes in appearance and no new friends or employees at work that I know of. No trips or nights with girlfriends. Yes, she spends more time on her phone, but based on what I can hear, it is usually family or one of her girl friends. She has lost interest in most household related things. Before BD, I did not notice any withdrawal. I definitely notice it since BD. She was usually very active, now a couch potato. I hope this makes sense to you because I have no idea what it means. Another thought. She has become over the top affectionate with the kids in a weird way. She will almost dive at them from across the room to hug and kiss them.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Thanks Sandi. No changes in appearance and no new friends or employees at work that I know of. No trips or nights with girlfriends. Yes, she spends more time on her phone, but based on what I can hear, it is usually family or one of her girl friends. She has lost interest in most household related things. Before BD, I did not notice any withdrawal. I definitely notice it since BD. She was usually very active, now a couch potato. I hope this makes sense to you because I have no idea what it means. Another thought. She has become over the top affectionate with the kids in a weird way. She will almost dive at them from across the room to hug and kiss them.
I read up on it and it fits the description, but only when I am around. She interacts with others fairly normally. Could be depression, but more likely anger towards me.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Before BD for me in MC my W would admit to acting different in front of family and friends then with me. She said she was a different person and could feel more her self. At the time she said she had years of resentment built up towards me, yet she let me believe things were ok.
So you idea of resentment could be a reason for this use of different masks for different people.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Vice, my wife told me the same thing around BD. Years of unspoken resentment. I told her I wasn't a mind reader, so I listened to everything she said. It took a day or so for me to see it from her side and I validated her feelings. Since then though, she has said things that I cannot validate because they are not true. Even though I know its false, I understand it is true to her at the moment. In those instances, I just listen and do not argue. She will rattle off a list of things that bothered her and then tell me that she doesn't want to keep rehashing old events. It is rehashing only to her. To me, it's the first I'm hearing about it. I asked her why she never told me that these things bothered her and she responded by saying that she did not want to be confrontational. I have a hard time trying to see the reasoning in that. It's basically saying "I didn't want to argue, so let's get divorced". I know. 1/2 see, none hear.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
With my W her years of resentment were bottled up as she said to her self she would just live with it now, until she met someone, a gay male who lit up her life and she started an EA with him. Now has there been any change in your W that maybe a trigger for her?
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
From what she said, she bottled it up until the kids were old enough. All 3 are still at home. I still see no evidence of anyone else involved. I'm just going to carry on with the detachment stage for now. What is your status now? Still home? Legal separation?
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
She sounds as if she's given up, and probably does have depression. There may be no love interest elsewhere, but she is vulnerable for one.
Years of resentment, yeah.....I've been there. It's really, really hard to get past it. When you see your youth and younger version of your M gone.....and realize those years can't be replaced, and that it could have been so much better if only your H had.......(fill in the blank). Not a productive way of thinking or living, but that's how a lot of W's get into this hole of giving up on their H's ever changing and staying changed for the better.
Living with you doesn't sound like it's been a walk in the park for her. I would suggest you make some big changes. Ones that are realistic and you will keep for the rest of your life.
When you have depression, and going through what you went through, it's tough for both spouses. By the time you were pulling through....it had taken a toll on her. It's sad.
Work on yourself with improvements. Don't smother her, but don't ignore her. When you are with her, be positive and upbeat. Now, don't over kill, b/c it will make her angry that you waited till she was done and then you change. Take it slow and easy.
Stay away from mentioning anything about the past. Don't ask her how she's feeling or about the future. Stay in the present.
If you watch tv or movies together, I'd suggest watching comedy. Anything romantic or sad is defeating both of you. It can trigger her negative feelings.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
