I originally posted a version of my story on Going Dark a few months ago. But now I'm starting over in this forum since so much has changed. I've read DR and have been following this site for some time; it's so comforting. I've also been talking to one of Michele's telephone coaches. It's been helpful, but I now feel the need to share with others. So here's my story.
I discovered husband's affair 1 1/2 years ago. Married 28 years, daughter in college, son in high school. My husband said he was miserable for a long time and had a long list of why we are no longer compatible and not a good fit. I should note that this is his second affair! The first one was 18 years ago; at that time, we went through therapy and I thought we were OK. But now he says he was unhappy with how controlling I've been and that I may love him but he doesn't feel that I "liked" him! Like I said, I tried to work on all that.
He wanted to move out but I convinced him not to because our daughter was about to study abroad. I went through the the typical first stage of hysterically begging, etc. After a tortuous four months, he stopped seeing the OW although they still talked. I was very clear in acknowledging my role in how we got to this point and really wanted to turn things around. We went through a year of periods when we were fine, then he would say that he was still conflicted and wanted to leave.
This went on for some time... I desperately wanted us to work things out and I practiced all the skills I was learning on DB. I didn't want to involve the kids -- even though they are older, they are both extremely sensitive. We never fought, and the kids thought we were a model couple, so I knew the shock with devastate them.
In October, he said he'd had it. He was moving out. As predicted, when we told the kids, they were literally in shock. My daughter especially is furious with him. He has started seeing the OW again. The kids don't know about her and I agreed that they shouldn't know. I certainly don't want to ruin their relationship with him. But it's absolutely killing me that I'm protecting his reputation.
At first I was doing OK. Getting a life, being upbeat. But then last week I just lost it. He wants to hang out as a family and pretend like everything is fine. He even casually suggested he and I see a movie. I completely blew up at him and said some terrible things. I told him I have no interest in hanging out with him while he is seeing the OW. It's just too painful. I said this was his choice and we could discuss our relationship if and when he decides to end it with her. I also said "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and that maybe it's time for me to date. It was a brutal conversation.
Of course, I regretted everything I said a day later. I know I should have kept my cool. But it really is just so painful to see him. It's so hard to "act as if." Still, now I've left him with a horrible picture of me as a raving lunatic. I realize that will not help my case. Why would he want to come back to me when he's got the OW who probably is a sweetheart, which I clearly can't be right now. (Although I was for the past 1 1/2 years while he was still at home, and that didn't work either).
I'm working and trying to do social things, but all I do is think about him 24/7. I'm just such a mess...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Yola, while the verbal lashing isn't exactly DB, I don't think it's all negative. There's a balance to walk between showing him your best self so he understands what he's got, then showing that best self walking away so he sees that he risks losing it. You've done a lot of the first part, this may not have been ideal but still serves in the second count.
Think of how you can do both at the same time and you're golden!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I keep re-reading Sandi2's 37 rules. I've failed at so many time and time again. I don't know if I can ever recoup from my latest meltdown.
These are the rules I broke:
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold -
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I keep re-reading Sandi2's 37 rules. I've failed at so many time and time again. I don't know if I can ever recoup from my latest meltdown.
These are the rules I broke:
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold -
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
Yola, you are being WAY too hard on yourself. And, you are only seeing the negative...look for the positives. You did NOT break rules 1-17! That's gotta count for something.
Your husband was trying to be a cake eater and you let him know that you absolutely will not put up with that. I don't think that's a terrible thing. He now knows that you're not desperate enough to let him manipulate you and use you as a doormat. Keep your head up and start following Sandi's rules again. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time, you can do this. I'm really sorry that you have to, but you CAN do it.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
