I originally posted a version of my story on Going Dark a few months ago. But now I'm starting over in this forum since so much has changed. I've read DR and have been following this site for some time; it's so comforting. I've also been talking to one of Michele's telephone coaches. It's been helpful, but I now feel the need to share with others. So here's my story.
I discovered husband's affair 1 1/2 years ago. Married 28 years, daughter in college, son in high school. My husband said he was miserable for a long time and had a long list of why we are no longer compatible and not a good fit. I should note that this is his second affair! The first one was 18 years ago; at that time, we went through therapy and I thought we were OK. But now he says he was unhappy with how controlling I've been and that I may love him but he doesn't feel that I "liked" him! Like I said, I tried to work on all that.
He wanted to move out but I convinced him not to because our daughter was about to study abroad. I went through the the typical first stage of hysterically begging, etc. After a tortuous four months, he stopped seeing the OW although they still talked. I was very clear in acknowledging my role in how we got to this point and really wanted to turn things around. We went through a year of periods when we were fine, then he would say that he was still conflicted and wanted to leave.
This went on for some time... I desperately wanted us to work things out and I practiced all the skills I was learning on DB. I didn't want to involve the kids -- even though they are older, they are both extremely sensitive. We never fought, and the kids thought we were a model couple, so I knew the shock with devastate them.
In October, he said he'd had it. He was moving out. As predicted, when we told the kids, they were literally in shock. My daughter especially is furious with him. He has started seeing the OW again. The kids don't know about her and I agreed that they shouldn't know. I certainly don't want to ruin their relationship with him. But it's absolutely killing me that I'm protecting his reputation.
At first I was doing OK. Getting a life, being upbeat. But then last week I just lost it. He wants to hang out as a family and pretend like everything is fine. He even casually suggested he and I see a movie. I completely blew up at him and said some terrible things. I told him I have no interest in hanging out with him while he is seeing the OW. It's just too painful. I said this was his choice and we could discuss our relationship if and when he decides to end it with her. I also said "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and that maybe it's time for me to date. It was a brutal conversation.
Of course, I regretted everything I said a day later. I know I should have kept my cool. But it really is just so painful to see him. It's so hard to "act as if." Still, now I've left him with a horrible picture of me as a raving lunatic. I realize that will not help my case. Why would he want to come back to me when he's got the OW who probably is a sweetheart, which I clearly can't be right now. (Although I was for the past 1 1/2 years while he was still at home, and that didn't work either).
I'm working and trying to do social things, but all I do is think about him 24/7. I'm just such a mess...
