Hello All, Let me first start by saying that is a pretty cool place and everyone seems so helpful!
OK, I will start from the beginning...My now ex wife and I dated for a few months after we first met but she ended it because I was still pretty wild and had some growing up to do. She came back after a year and a half because I did change quite a bit and she noticed. We always had a pretty strong connection from the beginning and after that year and a half it was even stronger and everything was lovely.
We dated for a year and a half and then got engaged and then married a year and a half later in March 2008. Marriage was great and everything was beautiful. When the economy crashed in 2009 my supervisor position ended up getting eliminated and I was out of work for about 2 years. She stuck by me and we made it through and I eventually found an even better job. Everything was still pretty good.
After this one bad thing after another kept happening. My grandmother passed and my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I started drinking a lot more and started to become distant to her. I broke my ankle and had to have surgery due to the drinking and being stupid. I was layed up for about 3 months and my Dad passed 6 months later. I totally shut down and emotionally abandoned her and was being quite reckless. During this time I also had multiple emotional affairs and got into porn pretty heavy.
We separated this past August after 7 1/2 years of marriage. She filed for divorce about a month after we separated and I found out she had a fling shortly after I moved out. A guy at work saw she was hurting and took advantage got what he wanted and was done with her. Me being the hard head I am have tried all the wrong things like begging, pressuring and definitely made my situation worse. I did quit drinking the first day we separated and haven't touched it since. I went to counseling for some childhood issues to finally get out the pain and anger and it worked wonders. I started going to church for the first time ever and have been going ever since.
We went and signed the divorce papers last Wednesday. When she first saw me she started crying. We talked for a little while and both cried and hugged a lot and then I had to leave. It was so bittersweet because I loved sharing that moment with her but may never see her again.
Through all of this craziness I have realized I really do love her and miss her everyday. I think she really does still love me but can't trust me that I won't go back to where I was. I will never go back to that dark place and that is with or without her.
Do I even stand a chance? I don't even know anymore.....
Any advice, pointers and help would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks for reading, Nate
M 39 XW 35 T 11 M 7.5 No Kids BD 8/15 Served 9/15 D 12/15
I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been-- David Coverdale
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I definitely started to take her for granted after a certain point and got lazy and wasn't connecting with her emotionally like I should have been. Once I started getting depressed and going to a bad place I didn't want the nieces and nephews to come over anymore as well as not ever wanting to spend time with her and her friends. I would push her away to go hang with her friends and I would stay home and drink alone. I would go out to the bars with my friends but it was just to get sloppy drunk to try and take away the pain. I think the thing that hurt her the most was me not letting her in to help me when I really needed help. The only time she saw me cry was the day my Dad was diagnosed with cancer.
After we separated she said the very first time we met all those years ago she could just see in my eyes that I was in pain but thought it was something she could help me through. Growing up we never showed very many emotions or very much love and I didn't ever truly know how to do either.
So when Dad died I thought I had to be the strong one and didn't let her in when I needed her most. I'm pretty sure this is what totally broke her heart. We had the separation talk about a year prior to when we did separate but I was always one to talk my way out of those situations and going to counseling and always promised to change and did for awhile but always fell back in the same rut.
After the separation I started my counseling and I learned so much about myself and got all the old negativity out. I just wish I would've went sooner but it took that big of a blow to finally wake me up. She definitely sees all the changes and is proud of me but is really scared I will fall back to the same thing.
M 39 XW 35 T 11 M 7.5 No Kids BD 8/15 Served 9/15 D 12/15
I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been-- David Coverdale
The emotional affairs started at work with some young women that I had to train for a few months a piece one on one. I trained 4 of them and I connected with 2 of them a lot and those 2 I got very close with. I don't know I guess they made me feel young again. I never set out to do this it just kind of happened. It took me a while to figure it out and after reading some books and going to church I finally did. I never tried to sleep with them but we definitely talked inappropriately and it was for sure taking time and energy from the marriage. We texted a lot and I did spend time with them outside of work a few times.
By the way I just turned 39 and the ex wife will soon be 35....
M 39 XW 35 T 11 M 7.5 No Kids BD 8/15 Served 9/15 D 12/15
I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been-- David Coverdale
Congrats on your sobriety! I'm sure you can appreciate why your XW is cautious that you may slip back into bad habits.
Even though the papers have been signed, there is actually much that can be done!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
