Just wanted to mention something about the love languages. Neither husband nor I read the book, but it was explained to us by our counselor. Because of the state we were in 6 months ago this approach did not work for either of us.... I felt pressured to commit acts of service and often felt like I was being tested. It made me feel like I was being controlled and could not do things naturally. Felt like he would get mad if I missed something. As a result, there were occasions when I felt like I was being tested and intentionally did not do something because I felt like i was forced or blackmailed to do it. He felt the same way with my need for time spent and maybe the verbal portion too. It actually became a power struggle and made us both feel awful and controlled.
I don't want husband to do things because he feels like he has to, I want him to do things because he wants to and because he knows it will make me happy. By writing to you, I think I am coming to conclusion I just just need to let go of every thing. No demands or requests or expectations. If no expectations, no anger. See what he does on his own. Be patient.
Hey Julie, I agree with everything you said and I know I broke every rule last night - it still felt good, though, and I don't regret it. I know now that she can't tell herself 'I thought they were separated' etc. And it gave me some insight into what kind of person she is and how she's pushing his buttons.
I though what you said above was interesting. H has talked about pressure and how he feels pressured by showing me affection because I want it when he doesn't. To me, it's more about being willing to learn a new language to better communicate with your spouse. My first language is actually not English, so the comparison is very natural for me. Yes, it's going to feel funny, you're going to want to switch back to English because you both understand it, but you do it because you know it makes your partner happy. And as you do it, you get better - and soon it's second nature.
But I think it's difficult to do if you have underlying anger or resentment. It probably requires being in a place where you are willing to do anything, and it might be easier to do without a spoken agreement.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I found some communication between H and OW that was very, very recent that indicates they are planning on moving in together very shortly.
_______ this.
Sorry Painter.
There is more I could say about this, but for tonight that's pretty much what I've got. No one should ever have to go through this.
Quote:
I am seeing my L tomorrow.
I don't disagree this is a good idea...just a quick warning not to do anything reactionary. Let your emotions settle, then act. Don't act because you need help settling your emotions.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Painter - what was said? How did things go tonight?
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Everything was very calm tonight and H doesn't know that I know. I don't want to post too much detail until I've spoken to L about how to handle the knowledge and proof I now have.
H's behavior, words and ressurances tonight of his love and intentions to work on our M, and no wish for a separation, were diametrically opposed to what I have found. It is scary that he can operate like this. I have clear proof of a continued affair, and plans to move. I don't know if he intends to just be gone when I come home one of these days?
Luckily, I have good support. It's hard though, when the person you're supposed to go to for comfort, is the one hurting you.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I know now that she can't tell herself 'I thought they were separated' etc. And it gave me some insight into what kind of person she is and how she's pushing his buttons.