I have been married 25 years this past March 3rd. On March 8th, my W told me the I love you not in love with you story. I found out a month later she had been having an affair that began in January '15 (former BF from 32 years ago). (His Ex wife and Ex girl friend called my wife and talked to her about the physical and emotional abuse he did to them including PPO's and how he used them for money. Wife thinks he's changed). We stayed together in the house for a while until a therapist told her to separate(mistake). It has been since July 9th, 2015. She has since moved to another town in which she lives in an attic garage of her employer at a wedding venue (ironic). Throughout the summer and fall I of course pursued, and attempted to work on marriage to no avail. She has shown no remorse or sympathy for my pain or our daughters pain(22). Nothing and she is very Narcisstic. We had a dinner out together and she said she wasn't seeing OM but she still talks to him. I didn't believe her. She said shes sorry for hurting me and D. She doesn't know when she will be back and doesn't want us to wait for her. She did't ask for divorce but I know what she meant. I said to her if she wants divorce then go file.I told her I want this marriage and I am not filing. She cried and said dont tell our daughter. She tells daughter she's scared to file. I recently began the 180 and have seen no changes. This began before Thanksgiving and my d and I planned on T-G alone but W texted our daughter to invite herself. My daughter asked and against my wishes she came. We had a good day then after 3 hours or so she excused herself saying she was going to friends for dinner.She left and both of us felt like we were her parents and she stopped for a visit then left. The next 2/3 days were tuff emotionally. I have since continued the NC and plan to continue but I almost think that it just is allowing her to walk all over us. On Dec. 1st I texted her because I heard thru my daughter that she is still seeing him. I fired a stern text to her and told her that our daughter was told this by someone. She contacted our daughter the next day crying and admitted it. My daughter gave her 3 options. Stop and work on the marriage, Divorce Dad, or continue doing what she has been. And in two of those options she loses her. Since then she has tried to be more attentive to daughter, but daughter will not have it. The two were very close for 22 years, this year W has only been in contact with daughter maybe 20 times. Very short texts, which wife thinks is conversation. Maybe seen each other 6/8 times. Seems as if she is trying to reconnect to daughter a little but in very short moments together. She is 52 and sometimes acts like she is 20.Very weird. This Dec 19th our D graduates from college and moves to another part of the state in January to begin her career. D and I are planning to a vacation for xmas. We decorated the house as we always have but plan to be gone xmas thru new year. How long does a 180 take to see a response if I am to see one? Will our D giving ultimatum help break fog? I am thinking of cutting off car ins., phone, and Health ins. She currently owes me a few K for bills. Any thoughts on just cutting her off from all support? Health ins she needs mainly for expensive meds for migraines. On Dec. 2nd I found her Journal, and reading it I can see her confusion in her mind about her life. She had stopped working (CPA firm) and we were empty nesters.By all accounts and her statement to daughter we had a great marriage. (She has always had very low self esteem and was molested as a child).In her journal she says I am her one love and that I love her unconditionally even with all her head problems. And I do Love her unconditionally.She began to rationalize it was the marriage that was the problem. In Dec '14 she begins to talk about the Devil and his temptations. She write a few verses from thje bible to ward off her thoughts, then succombs to the devil in her words. I believe this is when she began contact with OM. (via FB). The rest is history. Any advice would be appreciated!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome, and take a deep, deep breath. Cadet usually chimes in with a great summary, expect that soon and heed the advice.
You mention 180's, but have you read DR or DB yet? Or have you just been perusing here?
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(His Ex wife and Ex girl friend called my wife and talked to her about the physical and emotional abuse he did to them including PPO's and how he used them for money. Wife thinks he's changed).
Or she thinks she can change him
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I recently began the 180 and have seen no changes.
It can take quite a bit of time. Be patient, and consistent.
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On Dec. 1st I texted her because I heard thru my daughter that she is still seeing him. I fired a stern text to her and told her that our daughter was told this by someone. She contacted our daughter the next day crying and admitted it. My daughter gave her 3 options. Stop and work on the marriage, Divorce Dad, or continue doing what she has been. And in two of those options she loses her.
This is important, while your daughter may give you info about W, DO NOT ACT ON IT. Feel free to journal or write it down, but it will only make W hide things from BOTH of you. Plus your D may be gravitating toward you because of your stability, while you should be stable and be there for her, keep her removed from the "details" of what is going on.
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She is 52 and sometimes acts like she is 20.Very weird.
Very well could be a MLC
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D and I are planning to a vacation for xmas. We decorated the house as we always have but plan to be gone xmas thru new year.
Excellent idea
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How long does a 180 take to see a response if I am to see one?
See above, but could be a day, week, month, year, or never.
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Will our D giving ultimatum help break fog?
Nope, infact it will only do harm.
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I am thinking of cutting off car ins., phone, and Health ins. She currently owes me a few K for bills. Any thoughts on just cutting her off from all support? Health ins she needs mainly for expensive meds for migraines.
Before I say this I want to make it clear: I am NOT suggesting you file for D, or that you make any steps toward D. But consult an family law attorney in your area for advice on how to handle this. Simply look for the advice on how to handle. It will probably cost a few $100, but would probably be worth it. And be VERY careful, the attorney may suggest beginning a D, remember, that attorney had a vested interest if you do indeed file for D. So beware of where their "heart" is
I suggest the consultation because if you arbitrarily cancel insurance and all of a sudden she gets wacked with a $5000.00 medical bill, there could be significant problems created for the both of you.
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On Dec. 2nd I found her Journal, and reading it I can see her confusion in her mind about her life. She had stopped working (CPA firm) and we were empty nesters.By all accounts and her statement to daughter we had a great marriage. (She has always had very low self esteem and was molested as a child).In her journal she says I am her one love and that I love her unconditionally even with all her head problems. And I do Love her unconditionally.She began to rationalize it was the marriage that was the problem. In Dec '14 she begins to talk about the Devil and his temptations. She write a few verses from thje bible to ward off her thoughts, then succombs to the devil in her words.
While she may have wrote that way back when, she currently does not perceive things that way. Her journaling has nothing to do with anything. Keep moving forwad, and shoot me an answer to my questions.
Last edited by woundedfool; 12/07/1508:52 PM.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Thank you. Since I have stopped contact I feel 100% better. Not great but much stronger emotionally. I have read the DB and DR books. I do have great support from friends and am slowly GAL outside marriage. Should I just continue on path I am on?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Excellent, and may I be so bold to suggest read them a couple more times.
Do you find you like one over the other? If so which one?
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I do have great support from friends
Kind of humbling, isn't it? In my situation, I was amazed at the number of people who showed (and demonstrated) concern for me and my health.
It took me a bit to respond to them, but when they reach out to you, do not be afraid to reach back.
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and am slowly GAL outside marriage
Good, like what?
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Should I just continue on path I am on?
Yes you should.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
With regards to the Ex's, this was at right after BD. Word traveled quick in this little town. I had nothing to do with that. She probably thinks she can change him. He is a noted con artist by his friends, and that she is blinded by infatuation. D was brought into this recently by a cousin who W works with. She made the statement that the leach is still around to her. And she works for my sister in law. Sis Law has said nothing to her and looks other way. She just hired her this summer in the middle of this. Should she be paying for her own insurances? Or should I continue to provide as always? Another question. I was supposed to go with D to city she is moving to, to sign lease with her. W is going so I informed D I would not be going. She doesnt want W there but wont tell her no. I also have college graduation on the 19th this month. I have no plans to be with W there. But I am sure d will want family pics, which I understand.How should i handle that other then with grace? D mentioned her Mom wants us all to be there when we move her to her apt. on Jan 4 2016.
I preferred the DR book. The explanation of the MLC is where I think we are at right now. I do re read every few days. Hard to keep info all straight in my head. But getting better. Yea friends have been great, even her best friend has moved to me and away from her. She told W she needed to honor her vows and work on M. W moved away from her. I used to be an avid hunter. I am finally getting back to hunting and fishing. This winter I will begin snowmobiling and Skiing again. Stuff I have done for years and taught my daughter how to do. reconnecting with old friends that I had neglected over the years. Mainly because I own my own business so I work alot.
Another thing I thought was odd. The other day W came by to pick D for a lunch date. A few days before I had texted her to ask to email me the sugar cookie recipe for Xmas. This was one of our traditions as a family was to bake and decorate cookies for family, friends. Great cookies. W loved doing this and is a great at making sweets and meals. She loved doing that. But anyways she dropped off 2 cook books. One of hers and one of her Mom's who is deceased. They had all the old hand written recipes back from her grandma. I dont understand why she gave those to me. She has also emotionally detached from the home we have lived in the past 16 years and the items in it. Including her parents furniture, pictures, anything with sentimental value. Is this normal?
With regards to the Ex's, this was at right after BD. Word traveled quick in this little town. I had nothing to do with that.
Yea it can, move to the east side of the state... people in Alpena mind their own business :p
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Should she be paying for her own insurances? Or should I continue to provide as always?
As I suggested above, consult with an attorney. You may even want to have a separation agreement.
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Another question. I was supposed to go with D to city she is moving to, to sign lease with her. W is going so I informed D I would not be going. She doesnt want W there but wont tell her no.
I would ask D if she would like you there, that you would put aside the differences for the day. Bite your tongue and be the better person, as that day is about daughter. However, I would travel separately.
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How should i handle that other then with grace?
Grace, and lots of prayer for strength and patience.
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D mentioned her Mom wants us all to be there when we move her to her apt. on Jan 4 2016.
Sure, again handle it like a big boy.
Side note, in each of the instances you will be around W, put some thought and effort into how your look, dress and feel. And handle EVERYTHING "as if".
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
