Late to the game

[sandi2]

Here is the definition of DBing detachment. It is difficult to detach when under the same roof, however, it's possible. Once you read this definition, you will understand how detaching is mostly our thought process and attitude. Most people think it is physically pulling away.

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

[Azzork]

It is difficult to completely detach while still living together.

as long as you can make good progress detaching and don't engage in pushing/pursuing behaviors that make the sitch worse.

Easier said than done, Im afraid...

For some (many? most?), living together while going through this makes moving forward almost impossible.

[Free]

Care, meaning care about working things out. In detaching, I find myself in the mindset of having to let go completely. Essentially, giving up hope.
t, I no longer push or pursue at all. Since then, communication is very limited to the basic household or child issues. There is not, or ever was, any abuse between us.
I don't know how long to stay in this holding pattern. Also, I have no idea if it is helping or hurting. There are no signs from her either way.
In her new world, I do not exist.

[Free]

Thanks Sandi. After reading this again, I need to alter my style of detachment a bit.
I keep searching for any sign of change and see nothing. Looking at other peoples post, 6 months may not be enough time to see anything.
DB'ing gives a pretty detailed guideline on how to proceed. I'm following everything the best way I can. Time will tell.
The success stories here give me some hope. This is a great resource, although it's one I'd never thought I would need.
Very disturbing that this is so common.

[Cadet]

I don't know how long to stay in this holding pattern. Also, I have no idea if it is helping or hurting. There are no signs from her either way.
In her new world, I do not exist.

Change the focus to be on YOU.

You stay in the holding pattern to get YOUR bearings to work on YOURSELF, to become a person only a fool would leave.
To learn about marriage and relationships - doing all this without any help or input from her.

Stop worrying about whether it is helping or hurting, YOU are making the changes for YOU.
Not to win her back.

OK?

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[sandi2]

I would advise you not to watch for signs of change in your W. For one thing, she has a completely different point of view from yours. You want to save the M, and she doesn't. Therefore, she's not going to try. As much as you want to gauge the process by her actions and moods, you can't afford to do it. This is not the girl you married. Everything has changed for her, including her thought process. She is going to be negative and she'll intentionally try to discourage you and thereby trying to prove to you that saving the M is hopeless. You can get your encouragement here, but you will not get it from her.

You cannot judge what type of day or weekend you are having based on your W's moods. She is living out of her emotions. She is living in a fantasy. Her emotions dictate her decisions and are subject to change without notice. You judge the day according to YOU, not based on her. That is only one of the reasons we tell you to keep the focus on you and not her.

Have a plan of action, based on what you learn here. Priority is reading Divorce Remedy, and the links on Cadet's welcome post. Learn as much information as possible to prepare yourself. Come to the board before you make any big moves, b/c once you say or do something......you can't take back very well. Most newcomers mess up by not checking with the board, first. They read something and want to apply it to their situation right then and there. However, many of them do not fully get it, for one reason or another.

[Free]

Thank you all for your help so far.
I have read DR and all of the links and am actively using the info. My plan is to continue detaching in a friendly way. Also, trying to learn more about relationships, specifically mine and how we came to this point.
Until now, my version of detachment was just that. A complete detachment, as if she was not in the room. The complete opposite of begging and pleading. Zero pursuit. It needed to be this way for my own sanity at times.
While it calmed the emotional waves, it did nothing to being the best I can be around her. That's where I need to improve, regardless of any reaction from her.
To paint a better picture for everyone, it was at the point where there was no response from her to anything. Hello, goodbye, good morning, good night. All of them met with a blank stare at best. Her non response prompted me to go silent around her.
One other thing I should mention that is new since BD. Besides going to work, she rarely leaves the house. When she does, she goes into detail about where she is going and how long. Ex: "I'm going to xxxxx to pick up xxxxx and then I'm going to xxxxx to grab xxxxx. I'll be home in 45 minutes". She is home in 45 minutes with the items she said she was going for. I'm curious as to why she can't say good morning, but feels the need to tell me in detail where she is going. When she gives me her itinerary, it's as if she is a zombie. I'm pretty sure she is talking to me as I am the only other person in the room, but she looks at the wall when she speaks. Thinking back, I can't remember even the slightest eye contact since BD.

[Free]

Does any of the above sound like the better way of detaching right now, basically friendly but short encounters? Do I keep doing it regardless of the response?
And does anyone have any thoughts on the detailed plans she gives me when going out? Seriously, it's the only time she speaks to me.

[Cadet]

If she is responding verbally, I would stick with believing none of what is said and half of what she does.