Our pastor thinks working on the marriage by myself is the way to go right now, and the DR book, MWD says that one person working on the marriage can make a huge difference.
That's true. My reason for asking if she is willing or not is b/c if she's not willing, then it seems to me you might as well be in the C sessions without her.
The fact she refuses to participate in a transparency plan is extremely telling.
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She's willing to go week to week, but even when I mentioned that we had a great weekend, she felt the need to poo-poo the comment, and told me she's just focused on day-to-day.
Day-to-day is not commitment. It's more like, "We'll just see how things go today". She is giving no hope and no promises by giving no commitment.
One reason she's so negative about everything you say is b/c she doesn't want you to get the idea she's coming around. I've been there myself. In fact, I think it causes a WW to treat her H worse, b/c she's trying to prove to him that she's not happy and it's not working.
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She seems to want to engage in conversation often - do I oblige, and try to show her I'm there, or do I ignore her until I get the confirmation that she wants to work at it?
Our pastor thinks working on the marriage by myself is the way to go right now, and the DR book, MWD says that one person working on the marriage can make a huge difference.
So, to sum up: - when should I see her actions as cake-eating, and not try to work with her, or should I just ignore and continue to work on the M by myself, with no commit from her?
Your problem is that you aren't sure about the status of your M. You aren't sure what the plan is. If you don't know the plan, how can you follow it?
When she's on a day-to-day non-committed arrangement, you will not be able to tell if she is serious or cake eating.
As it is, you are basically trying both ways......working with her, and withdrawing from her; acting as a family and M couple, and then at time you're not; working as though she's in it with both feet, and working as though she's a WW. When a LBH has a leg on each side of the fence, it just makes him look moody, angry, self-centered, etc., b/c he mostly goes by whatever mood she's in that day....instead of following a plan.
I think you need to decide which way you want to follow, and then build a plan around it. Of course, most everyone had rather work as though the W is wanting to save the M, too. Why? B/c it's much, much easier than going it alone and dealing with a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
