Back on these forums again 3

[Mona52]

One part I did not like, but in hind-site I am glad it happened like it did was about the A.

I found out about his A. I texted him Friday morning. I asked if he used protection or do I need to get tested. His reply was very non-commital:
H: You have nothing to worry about

I never replied back.

So when I saw him this morning, I dont know what I expected, but I got nothing. He did not acknowledge anything. I am fine with that. I know he has to freaking feel like I am not going to hold it over his head, because I know men who have affairs feel guilty and they will run if they feel they will never be forgiven, blah, blah, blah.

So I did not say a word either and just treated him like any other person in the world. But I expected, and was counting on more anger. But I just don't have anger. I need anger to overwhelm the humiliation and it is letting me down. Now I am just left feeling stupid. And almost none of these bad feelings are towards him. They are all pointed 100% internally. If I were just a little better, he would not have done this again. If I would not have gotten back together with him, he COULD not have done this to me again.

If he said he wanted to work on our M now, I would be thrilled. So the humiliation grows. It snowballs into thoughts like
"I deserve this because I was not good enough and I allowed it."
"I deserve this because I carry a few extra pounds so no one will ever want me except for this man."
"I deserve this because I do not keep the house clean enough."
"I deserve this because I was not enticing enough for him to get off the computer."
"I deserve this because I put the kid's needs in front of his and our M."
"I deserve this because I did not make enough money to handle the bills when he was working one day a week."

Logically, I try and combat these thoughts. Logically I feel I deserve way better than my H. But that only makes it worse.
"If I cant keep him, when he is a jerk, how could I ever think I could attract a better guy? I NEED H back or I will spend the rest of my life alone or with a much worse person, which I guess I deserve."

I do not get stuck on these thoughts. I try and combat them with good thoughts. The only possible way I can win over these thoughts is by piling up as much good around me as possible.
So when I think I deserve a man who is unfaithful because I did not scrub a toilet enough, or cook the meatloaf correct, I look at my to-do list for the day. My to-do list is filed with baby steps to get to a better place in many ways. One to lose weight, one to make more money, one to fix the house in some way, and then I look at what my children are doing. They are doing good things because I am alive and in their lives.

But on days like today, when I have seen him, spoke to him, touched him, it is so very hard. When I know he prefers to speak online with a virtual woman it is unfathomable.

I feel he just saw me (and I looked smoking hot today), and he touched me, and he made me laugh, and I made him laugh, i feel he should want to text/call or contact me as badly as I need to hear his voice again right now.

I was down on my knees in my little office praying he was thinking about me. He is on third shift, so he is off to bed. I was praying that he would have a dream or 2 about me that he remembers when he wakes up.

And I totally cheat when I pray. I am catholic, so I have the normal "God, can you help..." But I also have ALL the saints, and I ask every single one to help. Next I have all the angels, so I ask every singe angel to help, I speak to all my family who are departed, and all of his family, including his mom. Lastly, I pull out the big guns, and I ask Mary, as a wife and month to help our little family. Overkill? Maybe. Cheating? Totally.

It is ok. I will be wound up for the rest of the day today, but tomorrow I will pull out of this tailspin and be back on track again. The next possible chance I might see him is on Christmas. And if Christmas is anything like Thanksgiving was, I wont even see him then. I wish I could see him more, but I will not initiate contact with him.

On Friday I unfriended him on all of my Facebook pages. My FB settings are locked down pretty tight, so he will have no way to see me. It is funny, because my S achieved a weird kind of honor last week, after I booted H off of my FB friend's list. My S posted his achievement on FB. Today my H mentioned how he saw what my S did. It was sort of his way of letting me know he saw that he was unfriended, without accusing me and us getting in a fight.

My H was also complaining about Candy Crush today. I knew that our S would hit him the hardest in this silly little video game. If you have never played candy crush, you have to sort of match different colored candies in a certain way to clear boards. It is a puzzle game. Almost daily, my H would hand me his phone while we were M so I could get him past a level he was stuck at. He told me today how he has been stuck at one level for ever, LOL.

Oh well, at least in a small way he feels my loss. I am not going to try and pull the focus back to me today, I am just gonna let my emotions take me where ever they want to go today, and tomorrow I will jump back to getting the focus on me.