in house S (5)

[otw]

Vise
You know your situation better than me. Just my opinion.

[vise82]

Hey,

Friday my Kids birthday party was good. 12 kids were there and W and I are a good team for this type of stuff, we have had many parties with lots of kids and it always works out. I took more control this time and lead the kids through each part of the party.

It was like old times but reality hits when the kids go to bed and we go to separate areas of the house. Its getting hard when I feel like we are connecting not to pursue. Ask to watch a movie togtether. or what ever. I wont, she needs her space right now.

Saturday W was home all day with us. S6 had birthday party to go to. so W and I took the younger son out to look at toys. Then picked up S6 and we all went to a Santa parade. W parents usually go with us. Its unusual that we do anything just the four of us because of my W attachment to her family but I think Its important that we do stuff just the four of us. It creates bonds that cant be created when with a group. Needless to say it was great, I was so happy to be doing it as a family. W was happy too smiling and laughing at my jokes.

Its has to be hard to walk away from good times like that.

The next day Sunday S6 had W parents giving him gifts during Sunday dinner. I don't go anymore and have GAL dog training and soccer. When my youngest had his party at the in-laws I missed it and W was so made she took her rings off (they were put on the next day) telling everyone that how bad a father I was for missing my sons birthday party. This time she wasn't mad, she let my S6 know that he will be getting his gifts from W and I on his actual birthday.

There was no fighting, only a mention that I never shut lights off around the house and the dog had no water, that I need to watch for when the water runs out.

W has already emailed me and texted me today, both about the kids.

I seen in the car trunk W got me shoes, but I don't know if she is going to give them to me or she will let the kids give them to me. This has pushed me to get a list going for gifts, I have to get for the inlaws.

W called me to asked about a tv and Said that she and her brother are going together on a gift for her parents. Usually I was in on it as well. I mentioned about the tv being too small and left it at that. I wasn't going to offer to be part of that gift. I want her to ask.

Seems like everything was going good for taking care of the kids, its just W and I not getting past that point of OK lets try again. It seems like its all there just waiting for W to just say it already.

I am holding back so much as it has to come from her. But we have been having so many good interactions and I can feel that spark is still there.

She called to me to talk to me the other day as she was putting a shirt on and as she was talking I totally checked her out, and then she did the same to me. I have lost 25 lbs, and I have been wearing clothes that I have had but didn't fit me anymore. I am doing my best to look my best. In dog school I have been getting attention from women. My W has not said one thing to me about my weight loss, or looking better. But this amount of weight loss cannot go unseen.

What keeps me going right now is Christmas, I am hoping for a connection then. This is what keeps me DB right now.

Tonight GAL taking the kids to get there hair cut then out for dinner.

[mutatio]

I am thankful for each family moment we have together. I view it as a gift knowing gifts don't come every day. My wife goes to her room and shuts the door when family time is over, that hurts but we're in the same house. If you have enough positive moments maybe it will be the foundation of something bigger. Worse case you had some beautiful times together.

[gs9]

Vise,
Our WW's are a lot alike. She threatens to hold things over your head in order to manipulate you to get her way. Stand firm. She will not love a man she can not respect. If she can bully you around and manipulate you she will not respect you. Do what you know is right. Do not fight over a couple dollars but keeping a budget and tracking spending is important. Pick your battle wisely but don't let her push you around either. Do not let fear keep you from doing what you know is right.

My WW has tried this often. When I stopped allowing her threats to frighten me and stopped bending to her will she eventually has cut way back on the threats.

[Fogg]

Vise, it's good that you had those positive interactions and could show W what she would be missing but be careful about seeing them as signs she wants the M back. You really have no clue what she may or may be thinking one way or another. When you make assumptions and mind read too much you naturally form expectations of it leading to where you want. When it doesnt lead where you want of doesn't seen to be going fast enough you make mistakes and lose sight f ehat you should be doing.

" its just W and I not getting past that point of OK lets try again. It seems like its all there just waiting for W to just say it already."

I know how hard it is to see something that you think could be positive (I seen similiar things 8 months ago) and nothing materialize from it but patience really is key. It's very likely you will see something you think is positive then find out something else that seems negative and go back and forth. Slow down in the expectations because your getting way ahead of yourself after what WW has shown in behavior not long ago.

[vise82]

hey GS9,

I get what you are saying, I am going to have to put together a budget. W has asked for this and I have done nothing. I will need to make this a focus of mine so that next month I will have a budget. As you can tell this is something I want, I also don't want to have a W that jumps down my throat. Yes I still have some fear in me. Fear of W getting angry.

Financially it cant continue the way it has. For her it can because she just asks her parents for money to make it work. I have never had that. I had the opposite of that, parents trying to get money off of me.

[vise82]

Hey Fogg,

I tend to create a reality of my own, you have showed me what the truth might be.

one good weekend is not going to change everything. I am hoping for too much. Yes this is a high point on this ride of emotions.

The truth is that she has not made any talk to me presently about how I am doing, asking about me, my work or anything relating to me.

I have before DB , based on her behavior towards me thought we were getting better. She then flat out asked me if she said that it was getting better. she didn't, but I based it on interactions. I can see it happening again. Only this time I wont bring it up in a R talk. I will just let her be with her experience, she knows what is happening. She need to tell me she wants change for the better.

I have to be carful not to pursue right now even if this is what I am feeling.

[isittoolate]

Vise82 ...it sounds like you are doing great.. Xmas is a stressful time and it's down to you to make it as upbeat and as positive an experience as possible for the kids and W . Make it an experience she will want next year.

It's frustrating as it sounds easy to us LBH to think ' why doesn't she give us a try, surely this path is less painful than the one WAW wants?

I am planning for the next few weeks but living just for today. I don't want to go back to old R. I want R+++ with the best of the old R and proper emotional and physical attachment for the new R.

It feels like such a long time since I was loved unconditionally.

[gs9]

Yes I still have some fear in me. Fear of W getting angry

let it go. You are can not in control of her anger and responses. You are not responsible for them nor would you want the burden of it. Do not react or interact with her anger it will fuel it. Whatever, you normally do when she gets angry do the opposite (180). I would not recommend standing there and taking it but do not fuel it or give in to it. For my sitch I had to remove myself from the conversation. Once she cooled down I then made the statement "I will not tolerate you or anyone else speaking to me like this. When you are ready to have a constructive conversation let me know." This made her even angrier but I just again removed myself from the conversation. On multiple occasions I have had to tell her "my half of this conversation is over" and I leave the room. Amazingly enough it's gotten better. She was mad last night, not even really at me, but she was taking it out on me. I left the area, turned on the tv and tuned her out. 30 min later she came back to me and apologized. She said she is trying to get better. This is a big step in her personal development.

Moral of the story. Whatever you are doing when she gets angry is not working. Try something different but do not be afraid. Her anger is hers and it's her responsibility.

[vise82]

Hey isittoolate,

I am doing ok. Thanks for checking in. YOu mentioned make it a Christmas she will want next year. With me, I think good ok and we are getting along, I am weary that what W mentioned in the beginning before DBing was that she has an Aunt that is S from her H and has been like that for over 20 years, they live close to each other and go to all family functions, but live in separate houses. They both have never had another person in their life.

She said she could see us doing that. I have said I want no part in that. I wont be her friend, if I am not her H. Now I think she got the message but I worry a little that is where we are going. Also why I think this wont happen was her interest in OM after she attended a wedding weeks ago. She can claim low sex drive when she was with me but the truth is there she has a healthy sex drive.

I guess my point being something has to give, and I just don't buy into what she was selling in the past.

So yes up beat and positive is the way to go.