Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[trumpet]

Sandi,

She still hasn't made it known that she wants to put in the time to save the marriage. She's willing to go week to week, but even when I mentioned that we had a great weekend, she felt the need to poo-poo the comment, and told me she's just focused on day-to-day.

The biggest frustration is her not committing to working on the marriage, and not being completely transparent. I still don't have access to her FB and email and texts, so I'm still in the dark. I waffle between being cold because I'm upset at not seeing her commit, to trying to be the best husband I can be, so that she sees the changes.

It really upsets her that I bought cologne, a bike, and new shoes, since I was, and probably still are the pennypincher in the family. I've lost 22 lbs. With the grave's disease, she's trying to work out, but it's tough, and she's sputtering instead of taking it easy and working into her workouts, so her self image is very low - she has a nice scar across her neck, so she sees it in the mirror every morning. She's annoyed that I'm in tune with my feelings.

Example of our struggles: The front doorknob is broke, and now comes off the door. It's a problem, obviously. We spent Sunday going to church, going out and cutting down a Christmas tree, and then when to a Christmas pagent done at the Capitol, as well as went out with friends and the kids to eat. It was a great day, and I completely forgot that football was being played that day (love football, fantasy football, typically sit on my butt and watch all the games every Sunday). So, once we finally got home, I had to help with son w/ homework, get my clothes downstairs to wash, and catch the end of the game. My wife went to bed, and I fell asleep around 10PM... so no time to fix the doorknob. She's back at me right away this morning 'when are you going to fix that doorknob? It isn't going to fix itself!' I started to walk away, and she continues to berate me.

I know the doorknob needs to be fixed soon. It bothers me, too, and I told her that. However, her telling me for the 4th time in 2 days isn't going to make the doorknob get fixed any faster. I also let her know that her comments hurt. She brushed off that anything she did was meant to hurt me, but I reminded her it's not how she feels, but how her comments make me feel, so please acknowledge that my feelings and hurt are legit.

I don't want the marriage to be always talking about feelings, but her comments remind me of her mother, and that's not a good thing. My wife continually has mentioned she doesn't want to turn into her mother, but many of her actions, her nagging, her worry and having to have a sense of control are JUST like her mom - she learned how to cope, and learning a new way to cope just isn't her 'thing' right now.

She seems to want to engage in conversation often - do I oblige, and try to show her I'm there, or do I ignore her until I get the confirmation that she wants to work at it?

Our pastor thinks working on the marriage by myself is the way to go right now, and the DR book, MWD says that one person working on the marriage can make a huge difference.

So, to sum up: - when should I see her actions as cake-eating, and not try to work with her, or should I just ignore and continue to work on the M by myself, with no commit from her?