Don't know what to do anymore...

[JulieH]

Hi painter, thank you for posting on my thread. Thank you for the outline on this thread as well. It made it easy to catch up.

I am sorry for your situation. I don't believe there is any way reconciliation can occur if There is any contact with OW. The way I see it, both people have to want to work for it or it won't happen. I think you need to stop making requests. I think you need to stop contacting OW. She does not matter. Like you said, she is pretty pathetic and not real competition. But by giving her attention she becomes important. These are pursuing behaviors and right now he needs to pursue you or you won't have value. If not, it becomes 2 women fighting over someone that does not deserve to have 2 women fighting over him. Give him time. Give yourself time. Make him think you are gone for good. He needs to want it or it will never work. If he wants it he will fight for it. We can't control our spouses and the more we try the more they rebel. I am coming to this conclusion as well.

I know how easy this is for me to say as an outsider but it sounds like you are coming to this conclusion as well.

Just wanted to mention something about the love languages. Neither husband nor I read the book, but it was explained to us by our counselor. Because of the state we were in 6 months ago this approach did not work for either of us....
I felt pressured to commit acts of service and often felt like I was being tested. It made me feel like I was being controlled and could not do things naturally. Felt like he would get mad if I missed something. As a result, there were occasions when I felt like I was being tested and intentionally did not do something because I felt like i was forced or blackmailed to do it. He felt the same way with my need for time spent and maybe the verbal portion too. It actually became a power struggle and made us both feel awful and controlled.

I don't want husband to do things because he feels like he has to, I want him to do things because he wants to and because he knows it will make me happy. By writing to you, I think I am coming to conclusion I just just need to let go of every thing. No demands or requests or expectations. If no expectations, no anger. See what he does on his own. Be patient.