After a few anxiety attacks I made it through decorating. I thought I was freaking out because of the texts I saw between W and OM, but I think I mostly was upset because I felt like I was the only one trying to make an effort to Xmas work for the kids, and that they might not even notice or care. Although I don't have a psychology degree, I see the metaphor and acknowledge I have a ways to go with detaching.
My wife noticed that I was having a hard time staying in the same room with her or saying more than a short comment here or there and asked (somewhat angrily) what was wrong with me. I told her nothing was wrong and went back to working on the decorations, but made an effort to not show as much negativity - I hadn't realized how passive-aggressive I was being. It might sound strange, but I am so grateful she said something to knock me out of my funk. Earlier this year she would have STFU and hid somewhere else, causing my mood to darken even further. At least this way I had a way to respond through my actions and avoided escalating our dysfunction.
Once I changed my attitude, my younger son came over to help and was all excited. Drew pictures for santa, set out cookies even though I told him we had a little time still left. Then W joined in and helped direct my sons in their decorating. By the end we were all singing Christmas carols and having a great time.
So while it started really rocky and I was in a bad place, I think in the end it approached what I had been hoping for.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
