New here, so I'll start at the beginning. Back in June, wife tells me she is not happy and does not know what she wants anymore. Then she asked for space. Like most others here, I never saw this coming. She mentioned things I have done that upset her, some of them from over 25 years ago. While I never cheated, drank, used drugs or abused, I was, at times, completely emotionally unavailable. I did the standard things early on, begging, pleading...etc. I validated her complaints, whether I agreed with them or not. I do not believe there is anyone else on her side, but I could be wrong. If there is, it's happening at the supermarket or library. I read DB pretty early on. While it has helped me, it has done nothing towards R. We are both still home, but civil towards each other only. Nothing more. We've talked about the future about 5 times in 5 months and it's gone from "I don't know" to "I think I want a divorce". The first time she mentioned divorce, I said that it's not what I wanted, but wouldn't hold her back. Divorce hasn't been mentioned since, but I've basically shut down on her since then. I have GAL in spades and it is going great. Early on, I went through the brutal daily wave of up/down emotions. It is still there, but with much less intensity. We've tried a therapist together a few times, but it was useless unless both want to make an effort. She did not. It just turns into a husband bashing party. We are going to counseling separately though. As it stands right now, I'd like to save my marriage. I do still love her (The old her, not the cold, unemotional her). Not sure how much longer I can live this way and I'm not sure which direction to take. I'm afraid of giving up too soon and I'm afraid to keep hope alive only to be $hit on again. I am basically on the LRT plan right now with no end in sight. The kids (S 21, S 17, D 14) know something is way off but have not said a word. I'm sure that they know exactly what is going on, but do not want to make it real by asking. Other than LRT, I'm not sure what to do next. Also, I've read just about everything on this site. Sandi is brilliant and spot on with her description of the WAW. My question at the moment is how long do I let this go on? Is there anything I haven't tried? Any advice would be appreciated.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Sorry you are here! Cadet should come by shortly with a welcome post and a ton of links. They are very good and informative!
I have been on a rollercoaster for a year and a half now, so 6 months doesn't sound so long to me. If you want to give your M every chance, hang in there and keep up the good work! She is still there and has done nothing to start a D or S process?
I really understand the urge to end the uncertainty. Limbo is not a fun place. But you might quickly regret what you put in motion.
Unless you know she's in an active A or otherwise doing things to plan her future in a way that makes it necessary for you to protect yourself, I would say that every day is a gift.
Also, I would read Divorce Remedy, if you haven't.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank Painter and Cadet. Painter, nothing is in process as far as I know. There is minimal communication right now, so it very well could be. Not sure I could handle a year and a half. I'll read up on your story. I see lots of reading in my near future.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Good news is that she has not given you a definitive "I want a divorce". She is letting you know she is not happy, and says "I don't know" and "I think". (Similar to my husband) so on some level she is still attached. Don't ask her about future anymore...trust me, you don't want to push her into a response because it will only be negative if it's too early for her. Work on changing things about you that she was unhappy with (they do notice even when not around and even if they don't acknowledge right away). Most of all, be patient.
Just a suggestion but DBing says doing a 180. What is your 180 if you admit to being unavailable emotionally? You mention you shut down on her completely? Is that helping? Or is that something that bothered her in the first place? A lot of people on these boards say no contact or make yourself unavailable, but that is only in some cases (usually when their is infidelity). Speaking as a wife whose husband is a workaholic and I feel very neglectful, that would make things worse in my case. Have you reflected on things your wife was unhappy with? What would she say are things she would change about you?
Everyone's situation is different and each personality is different as well. I did talk to a coach and received a lot of help. Their advise Can sometimes be different then what is given on boards. I was told to be friendly and to "act as if". And that good feelings and positivity are contagious
BTW, I had same experience with counseling. Big waste. We just ended up rehashing fights we had already gotten over.
Good luck!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Women generally don't want out unless there is abuse by you or a replacement for you already in the picture. If you're not abusing her then I'd start digging into the other right away.
Julie, my original 180 was to be completely available to her. She completely ignored me and asked for space. It's hard to do both. Since then, I'm cordial when I'm home and try to be out as much as possible. Early on, I asked her what she would like me to change about myself. She said "Why now? It's too late". I do not bring up the future at all. Tx, I can't see how it's possible. But then again, I never saw any of this coming. I guess anything is possible. I did ask her early on. Of course, she denied it. Oddly, she asked me if I ever cheated. She has all of the traits of a WW. If it is going on, it would have to be an EA. I see no evidence of anything happening.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
A common theme that I keep seeing is that time is my friend. It is, to the extent that I am slowly detaching. DB is changing me, not us. Am I supposed to detach to the point that I don't care anymore? It is difficult to completely detach while still living together. Any suggestions?
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
It is difficult to completely detach while still living together.
Difficult? It can be. Everyone is different. There are benefits/drawbacks to detaching while living together, and the same when living apart. Unless there is abuse from either party, it's generally better to be under the same roof as long as you can make good progress detaching and don't engage in pushing/pursuing behaviors that make the sitch worse.
