It was very kind of you to give me such a thoughtful response to my post, thank you. Your words are appreciated. I am happy to share my journey of self discovery with you. I am here for many reasons, the primary reason is to find truth. To walk the path of truth one must be discerningly reflective of one actions and beliefs, open to new lines of reasoning and a desire to adapt to a enlighten evolution. I find solace and companionship here but they are not the reason for being here. I am here to find truth and share it. So I would love to answer your questions.
"Part of was my own frustration and resentment in dealing with my own situation" . Tell us more
I have spent my life designing and constructing objects, analyzing designs and modifying them to function in a efficient manner. My childhood experiences and this skill set do not provide me the background necessary to repair my marriage. Another part of my frustration is that I am powerless in the marriage right now. My wife has shut me out and is working on herself. While this occurs I can do nothing to repair the marriage. So my frustration is the inability to bring effective change to this situation. I think it would be healthier to see this as the universe has provided this opportunity to me so that I can evolve and become a better version of myself. At this time my role in this marriage maybe to provide quiet support to my wife.
What choices have you identified that made you reflect on your own moral code?
In the past I was selfish and egocentric. I became aware of the impact my behaviors were having on my wife and kids in 2008. I realized I had ignored doing the right thing for selfish reasons long enough and would now re purpose my life to bring light into their world. Self medicating through booze was another behavior that caused reflection.
What happens when you operate outside your moral code?
I sometimes get carried away in the moment, like the post mentioned above. After the fact when I have time to think about what I've said or done and I realize where I have erred. At that point I try to repair my mistake because I want to do the right thing.
" Part of it is my Psyche, I know it is not right but I find it easier to beat up on a male then a female". What's triggered here for you? Who has been beaten up in the past, the present the future?
My father was verbally abusive to my mother regularly. I watched my father hit my mother once. I have a strong aversion to the strong imposing their will on the weak. My mother and myself were verbally abused by my father in the past. Until 2008 I was a insensitive selfish fool and put myself before my family. In the present I beat myself up for what I have done. This must be true because I just started crying. In the future I hope no one is beaten up including me.
My worry Mutatio is that containment is not about a healthy management of emotion and containment does not lead to resolution of emotion, it maintains itself. I wonder if you have a case of better in than out?
This may be useful, I struggle with compliments. I do not know how to manage them. They make me uncomfortable. I usually make a self deprecating comment. I have struggled all my life with being assertive. I ask nicely, repeat myself, become frustrated and then do it myself. Or if it was my kids I would then yell. This was a major reason for my mismanagement of myself in life.
Thank you JellyB, I love you, you are a beautiful kind caring soul. I aspire to become like you and I am thankful to have you in my life. Be well
Thank you Mutatio for responding to my post to you.
Your whole response resonated so much for me. I see much of myself in your comments. Anger and conflict scare me. I am a naturally peaceful and passive person. I do however have a temper when I feel misunderstood or not appreciated. It doesn't come out has angry, rather tears flow and I become emotional beyond all reason.
Knowing that I don't want to see this side of myself to come out, because this person, this ME, is manipulative and unkind and has at times been abusive to my partners. So I contain my needs and wants and appease and avoid any conflict at any cost, and the cost more often than not has been me.
Isn't interesting that by attempting to avoid the thing we hate most unkindness, anger, violence, we create it.
I read your post Mutatio and I see the man you are, it is unmistakable that you have aligned your beliefs and values with action. My sense is however that your internal self, the one that looks you back in the mirror and knows where all your vulnerable places are, isn't quite convinced that you are indeed a good man.
JulieH has kindly brought to my attention the nasty habit of self deprecation and I have had to look this widely in the eye in the last week. I wonder if you too would benefit from an up close and personal look at this one.
When I read your posts it clear the work you have done to be a better husband and father. But I do wonder if Mutatio will ever allow himself off the hook for not being those things sooner. My sense could well be wrong on this. I'm not sure if you have ever fully forgiven yourself for being less than. And I am not quite sure if you can't forgive yourself, how can W?
With the two loves that I have been fortunate enough to have. I spent most of the relationships if not all feeling less than. My self contempt has been a legacy from childhood. Unfortunately it has sabotaged my relationships. Mr Ex and Mr M, both wanted an equal, a partner, someone who valued themselves as much as they wanted to value me. My intentions in my relationships were always honorable, much like yours. However my inability to truly see myself as a equal, to truly give and receive resulted in their demise.
How can any partner respect and love you, if you can't do it for yourself. I have spent the last 14 months forgiving myself for not being the perfect partner, the person, the perfect child.
You are no longer the drinker, the yeller, the bully, the imperfect child, the imperfect husband. You just are!
I'm not sure if any of the above makes sense. I hope there is some value in it for you. I learn lots about myself posting to you Mutatio. So thank you for your patience with me.
