onward - 13

[u-turn]

Hi Jelly,
I have been criticized not just by STBX, but by other people about my lack of communication.

I was actually given a letter from a client a couple years ago (he was a business analyst that I designed a home for) he loved my work, wouldn't change a thing, but was brutally honest about my communication and how if I didn't improve this, my business will fail. I took it to heart, and changed a little.

Though it seems like a cop-out blame game, I quickly went back into my old ways after BD. I was paralyzed and couldn't seem to get anything right. Not only did I not get my work done, I didn't communicate to the clients about it. It seems I started every single e-mail that I wrote "I apologize for the delay". This all just kept piling up - I was fired from a couple commissions.

I may have permanently ruined my relationship with one of my closest friends that I was collaborating with on a project. I treated her like sh!t and hopefully some day she will forgive me. This is almost as devastating to me as losing my W.

I KNOW I NEED TO CHANGE THIS FOR ME TO MOVE FORWARD AND SUCCEED. I wish I could say that I have changed completely. I am working on it every day.

I do think it is time to take some chances - and I see that with you too. I have usually considered myself a person that could achieve anything (and I think people believe this about me to). But it's time for me to put this into new actions.

I am fearful about this all - I am scared because I don't have someone beside me. I know that should not matter and doesn't really change anything, but with all of the major changes in my life, I had someone by my side. someone to just be there for the good and bad.

I used to take chances and push my limits, but I don't feel like I was brave, because I had a team. Now it's just me and if I fail, it's just me.

I do think about the kids with every action that I make. I need them to feel safe and comfortable. I want them to be proud of me. If they knew that we don't have this or that because dad failed - how would I get through that?

I would love to focus on some things that I would just like to do, but cannot right now. There just are not enough hours in the day and any minute I spend on those things, takes away from the things that have to be done. It is overwhelming, but hopefully this will not last forever.

Please don't think that I don't value every word you write me. I think it is exactly what I need. In my adult life, I have usually gravitated toward female friendships (maybe that's a problem), but I don't have many male close friends. not malarkey .