Bridges that cross the Universe!

[Di-mond]

[quote=Vanilla]I had a bit of a chat with H a few days ago.

I am glad you are chatting.

We only chat when I reach out to him. He rarely calls or texts me. I'm tired. I don't want to play this game anymore. I deleted all his contact information off my phone and computer. I need space from him.



He told me that one of the reasons he does not want to reconcile with me is because I wouldn't throw my D out after he left.

Sorry, Di I really don't buy this. Your D is your D, if before possibly but after. I would see this as rationalisation. If it hadn't been this then maybe the colour of the carpets?

He has given numerous reasons why he had to leave. My kids, my animals, the house, my family, the grass was too green, the sky was too blue. I really just think that playing house and actually having some responsibility besides himself is not what he thought marriage would be like. He liked the perks, the cars, the motorcycle, the free rent, heat and hydro, but when I started to put some boundaries in place financially and cut him off the bill paying accounts so I would actually be able to pay the bills, he became "unhappy".



I know I have been over indulgent with both of my kids over the years. I parented from guilt because their father completely walked away from them 7 years ago and abandoned them. My S hates his dad and wanted nothing to do with him. My D was a daddy's girl and it hurt her incredibly when he stopped all contact. I guess at times I over compensated.

Your choice, your D, your S. You over indulged H too, did he complain about that?

Nope, he never complained as long as he was number 1. He was an only child. His father died when he was very young. He had mommys undivided attention. He also did his best to sabotage any relationships his mother had. He wanted her to only be with his dad and since his dad was dead he wanted her alone. This went on well into his teens. I would say he has some mommy issues.



I'm also a conflict avoider.

Di, this is worth exploring, in which ways do you avoid conflict?

Is it related to your personal boundaries?

How do you feel about this?

The long term relationship I had before I met my husband was very volatile. I stood up for myself. It ended up with me getting beaten in the middle of the street, 6 cop cars and a taser. He was high on drugs and just snapped. Since then I really don't like yelling and screaming and I try to avoid it as much as possible.



I hated fighting with the kids or my H or anyone else in my family. I would just hunker down and do things myself if no one else stepped up.

We have discussed this before Di, taking on others responsibilities and you have done a terrific job of handing those over and creating space for you. Superb in fact, and I have said that before.

Yes it seems I had to take a giant step back and stop doing things for everybody. I also had to change my life (house and work) so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone. It kind of [censored]. I was such a giving and helpful person and now I'm really hesitant on doing anything for anyone.



Until I got sick and then I just couldn't do anything for anyone.

Including yourself for a while, and you turned it around.

My H got mad at me because I wouldn't make the kids do more stuff.

No one Di has the power to make another do or say anything. So this is nonsense, you are to blame for not making another human do something? Complete tosh in my view. Setting boundaries and enforcing those are under your control.


I was weak on setting boundaries with everyone. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. The side effects from the medication (steroids and chemo) I had been taking totally knocked me on my behind. My mind was fuzzy at best. I remember driving home at 2 am after a late shift, it was raining and for the life of me I couldn't remember how to turn on my windshield wipers.



I just didn't have the energy to yell or demand. I just made it to work and then bed. Then I couldn't even make it to work. My H didn't step up either. His reasoning was if I didn't make the kids do anything then he didn't have to do anything either.

Completely irrational logic. Anyway he can't make anyone do anything either! All he could do is appeal to their better nature.

I hoped when I wasn't able to function that he would step up and delegate chores. Instead he stopped doing anything to do with the house or that would have helped me.



Just writing this makes me shake my head. He is a grown adult. How selfish. In fact he is one of the most selfish persons I have ever met in my life. Why? Why do I want to be with someone that is like this?

Careful on the labels Di. If you want to say he behaved selfishly at that time then ok. It will help you add perspective if you label the behaviour not the person. Plus this is very black and white, what the most selfish ever, what about H1 then?

V, seriously he is selfish. He actually said " Once my needs were no longer being met I just wanted out." He felt absolutely no compassion or empathy towards me or what I was going through. To this day he has never even googled my illness. I could no longer give him what he wanted. To be #1, to be taken care of financially, undivided attention. We never had a level playing field. I always gave more than I got. He is a taker and when I couldn't give anymore he checked out. He knows that this behaviour is not " normal", but he doesn't care. He doesn't know why he is like this, but he is happy now. He only has to look after himself.
H1 I can only put in the idiot category. Yes he behaved very selfish in his actions towards the kids, but in the 10 years we were together he actually did stuff for someone besides himself. He has had a stroke and a couple of mild heart attacks. God knows what's in his head now. I just feel bad for my kids.



Ok got side tracked....my H said that he wants me to be the strong woman he met and was attracted to.

Thats quite reasonable, if that's what he was attracted to. In which ways would you like him to develop in return? Or is this a one way street?

According to him he is just fine the way he is. I actually need a man that will think of the bigger picture, not just about himself. Compassion and kindness that is what my H has to learn. As far as I am concerned, I might appear weak to him because I still want him back, but if I wasn't strong I would have never made through the hellish last couple of years alive. He would have crumbled if he was in my shoes!



To make the tough decisions (like kicking out my daughter.

But what he doesn't understand is that I am working on becoming strong again

I think you underestimate your own grit here Di.

I AM STRONG!!


and the first strong thing I will do is cut out the person that caused me pain (emotionally and financially) and that person is him.

Sounds very reactive and tit for tat to me. In which ways did you contribute to your own pain ( I don't mean your illness necessarily) and in which ways did he? What part did illness play? And what about others burdens you took on? Let's create a balanced score card.

It's not reactive. It took 8 months to get there. He reeled me in a couple of times over the summer with wanting to get back together. When he realized that I was actually working on myself and that I expected him to do the same I guess he knew I didn't want him back the way he was. I really truly don't want him anymore the way he is and was. I still love him, but he drained me.
How did I contribute to my own pain? I didn't heed the huge red flags that were popping up everywhere. I really didn't get to know him before I married him. Most importantly I didn't put myself first.
How did he contribute to my pain? He asked me to choose between him and my kids, between him and my animals, between him and my health. I would work overtime to try to make ends meet, when I shouldn't have been working at all and then he would casually tell me that he went for sushi lunch. Selfish!



Tell me about your health currently Di.


I had a few rough weeks. Getting the house ready, then packing everything up and then the actual move really wore me out. I've been struggling with fatigue for the last two weeks and my joints are aching like crazy. Thank you canadian winter.

Now that I have some money I'm actually buying healthy food, supplements and vitamins. Hoping to make it to gym to buy a membership next week for my daughter and I. We can be work out buddies.

I'm hoping Aqua fitness and gentle Yoga will help me with my emotional health. I hate waking up not knowing if I will be a completely miserable, weepy mess or if I will be ok. Haven't had a day yet that has been great.

I start a new round of IC tomorrow. Hoping that will help too.

Still going for monthly blood tests. Had an MRI in October, stress test, echocardiogram and a 24 hour heart monitor. Trying to get in with my family doctor to review the results. Scleroderma specialist also coming up this week and then a CT Scan in January and follow up with the liver specialist. I have had a nagging cough for the past couple of months, so I'm assuming I will be getting a pulmonary function test done again too. At least the benign tumour on my kidneys is not growing. Hahaha! I'm still kicking. On a very down note. My good friend that has lung cancer was told that it has spread to her bones. The prognosis they have given her is 1-3 years. I told her to fight!!!

And now my mini novel is done!