[BrightFuture]

Peacetoday, I absolutely agree with everything you said. From I see and hear about H, it doesn’t look like he found his happiness. With the exception of the place he wanted to live at, even though he cannot be there full time, he needs to work and make some money. I often think that H might be having some regrets about him leaving like that, but at the same time, like you said, he might find the “path home is difficult or impossible”. He is definitely trying to survive. I’m just wondering how long he will try to live in the fun moment…

Bottom line is you have to focus on yourself to the point of outlandish selfishness.

Gwen, I like this a lot. And you are right, I’m trying to make sense of things, but forget that I “can't rationalize the irrational“.

mleigh4, it scares me too to even think that H might not be able to look within, to the source of his unhappiness. Looks like he is trying to do everything to avoid it.

I thought that I would feel much better for a couple of weeks, since Thanksgiving is over and there is some time until Christmas and New Year’s. It has actually been quite a struggle. There are a couple of things I think contributed to this. First, it is December and less than one month until our would be 20 year anniversary. These words of my Mexican GF keep popping up in my head more and more often, that H would deliver the D papers on our anniversary. I’m kind of waiting for another shoe to drop… I think that it might actually be a big relieve. But, the anticipation is just getting to me…

Another thing is that H is actually here, in my neighborhood… His brother had a knee surgery this past Thursday. He told us about it when we were at his house on Thanksgiving. We all offered to help to drive him to and from the hospital, be there with him, and do whatever he needs. He thanked us and told us that he would let us know if he needs any help. He never mentioned H coming over. So, on Thursday I texted him to wish him luck with the surgery and to let me know if he needs anything. I texted him next day and after that checking up on him. He replied to all my texts that he was fine and thanks for checking.

Then I had a suspicion that H might actually be helping him (after all, H is not working and has all the time in the world to help his brother), so I drove by my BIL house and saw H’s car. All that time when I was texting my BIL, he never revealed that H was here. It kind of irked me a bit, but it is their business, and my BIL doesn’t own me any explanation.

I texted my BIL yesterday asking him if he was feeling good enough to come over to my sister’s house for my nephew b-day ( I didn't know when H would be leaving.) He politely declined… and again, didn’t say anything about H. I think today they might be both at the football game (my BIL has season tickets.) I’m really curious if H went to the stadium. We used to have the season seats right next to my BIL. The season before the BD, H was acting very strange. He was annoyed with the new security procedures at the stadium and said that he would not be renewing the season tickets. I wonder if he already had his plans to leave and this was one of the “cutting ties” things.

For some reason it is a big secret that H is here. I’ve been struggling with a thought that he didn’t make any attempts to contact or meet with any other family, including my son. Then I realized that what I thought was a reconnection with my son when he was at the vacation home, was not real. They were always with groups of friends, so I don’t think H is ready to face my son on his own, alone…

I also realized how lucky I actually am, that H is nowhere around in my city, that he lives far away. This week I’ve been feeling some anxiety knowing that H is in the same neighborhood. We could easily cross paths on the road or at the store somewhere. I don’t even know how to describe the feelings I have. I just know that it has not been good for me. I feel rejection and indifference on his part towards me all over again. I’m battling with some depression because of that. I’ve been trying to stay afloat very hard, not to show any sadness or emotion to anyone around me. It is a hard work.

I only mentioned one thing to my sister last night, that I was disappointed that H didn’t contact my son while he is here. To which my sister gave me a very wise reply. She said that H might be in the state of mind (depression) that he doesn’t want to see anyone at this time.

Sorry for the long update again, and thanks for listening.

Some GAL updates. Went to a Bunco game on Friday. Had a lot of fun with the gift exchange. Yesterday was at my sister’s for a b-day dinner. My son and his GF came over too. We had a good time. Life is good!