He told me that one of the reasons he does not want to reconcile with me is because I wouldn't throw my D out after he left.
Sorry, Di I really don't buy this. Your D is your D, if before possibly but after. I would see this as rationalisation. If it hadn't been this then maybe the colour of the carpets?
I know I have been over indulgent with both of my kids over the years. I parented from guilt because their father completely walked away from them 7 years ago and abandoned them. My S hates his dad and wanted nothing to do with him. My D was a daddy's girl and it hurt her incredibly when he stopped all contact. I guess at times I over compensated.
Your choice, your D, your S. You over indulged H too, did he complain about that?
I'm also a conflict avoider.
Di, this is worth exploring, in which ways do you avoid conflict?
Is it related to your personal boundaries?
How do you feel about this?
I hated fighting with the kids or my H or anyone else in my family. I would just hunker down and do things myself if no one else stepped up.
We have discussed this before Di, taking on others responsibilities and you have done a terrific job of handing those over and creating space for you. Superb in fact, and I have said that before.
Until I got sick and then I just couldn't do anything for anyone.
Including yourself for a while, and you turned it around.
My H got mad at me because I wouldn't make the kids do more stuff.
No one Di has the power to make another do or say anything. So this is nonsense, you are to blame for not making another human do something? Complete tosh in my view. Setting boundaries and enforcing those are under your control.
I just didn't have the energy to yell or demand. I just made it to work and then bed. Then I couldn't even make it to work. My H didn't step up either. His reasoning was if I didn't make the kids do anything then he didn't have to do anything either.
Completely irrational logic. Anyway he can't make anyone do anything either! All he could do is appeal to their better nature.
Just writing this makes me shake my head. He is a grown adult. How selfish. In fact he is one of the most selfish persons I have ever met in my life. Why? Why do I want to be with someone that is like this?
Careful on the labels Di. If you want to say he behaved selfishly at that time then ok. It will help you add perspective if you label the behaviour not the person. Plus this is very black and white, what the most selfish ever, what about H1 then?
Ok got side tracked....my H said that he wants me to be the strong woman he met and was attracted to.
Thats quite reasonable, if that's what he was attracted to. In which ways would you like him to develop in return? Or is this a one way street?
To make the tough decisions (like kicking out my daughter.
But what he doesn't understand is that I am working on becoming strong again
I think you underestimate your own grit here Di.
and the first strong thing I will do is cut out the person that caused me pain (emotionally and financially) and that person is him.
Sounds very reactive and tit for tat to me. In which ways did you contribute to your own pain ( I don't mean your illness necessarily) and in which ways did he? What part did illness play? And what about others burdens you took on? Let's create a balanced score card.
------------------------
Tell me about your health currently Di.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
