Mutatio, that would be nice, very nice. I won't be up north for a long time though, maybe by 6 months from now we will both be happily married or Divorced. I certainly hope we are not both still in limbo. So much can change. And I don't want to get you in trouble on this forum! As far as my chest pains. I think its all anxiety.
His impending departure is weighing heavily on me. The fact that he is broken and I really and truly did not break him and cannot fix him is becoming a reality to me. I have "known " that for awhile, but it takes a long time for me to really accept certain things, to really internalize it and "get" it on an emotional level. I am getting it.
Did I tell you all that pre-BD he told me he hated our daughter? That he had no love for his own mother and wished her dead? And then now me. Who is this man? I should be running the other way, not standing here for him. And yet I am.
Last night I talked to H's best friend at work. The one who gives him advice about our daughter, because he has 2 teenagers, the one who he confided in about his EA. Every year at the holiday party we talk about our kids. He asked me how D was and I said so much better since getting out of the hospital. He had no idea what I was talking about. H confided in him about his EA but failed to mention that his daughter was hospitalized for 3 months? The same thing came up last week at Thanksgiving, 2 of H's friends knew all about the EA but nothing about our daughter. The EA apparently was more important in his life than his own daughter's health. It makes me feel sickened, especially since he told his friends how important the EA was to him because he wasn't getting "friendship" from me at home- yet didn't reveal to them that I was spending 100% of my time taking care of our daughter? Its not like I was home watching tv all day and ignoring him. While I was at dr appointments for our child he was out dating! Literally, at the same exact time. (That's how I caught him).
I am so torn. A part of me wants to just file for D and get on with it. I doubt myself lately. Is it the loneliness talking? Or is that I am finally facing reality? Time will tell, I need to keep my emotions in check.
In my mind I have this "1 year timeline" which I don't know where it came from, but I feel like at 1 year post BD I should know where I stand and its coming up and not looking very promising. I am tired. I think that is what it all comes down to, I am very, very tired.
