Becky, I feel bad for commenting on this post, as I am in a much different position than most people on this board in that my H is still technically here. In body at least. Last year was the best Christmas I had in a long time. Sad to say, I sent my daughter away to my parents for the week, so it was just me and H and the boys and we had such a peaceful day, H completely spoiled me over the top with gifts and we had a lot of "cuddling" quiet time, it was so nice.

This year he is still here but leaving for a 6 month job a week after Christmas. And he barely speaks to me. So I don't know how to deal. How can things change so radically in one year? It has also been crossing my mind that maybe last year he was already in his affair and that was why he was so nice to my at Christmas. He claims it started in January.

I usually send out photo christmas cards, but I just don't have it in me right now. I am decorating today with my boys. We usually watch the movie Elf several times in December and bake a lot of cookies. I have a new church this year so their festivities start today, I will be curious to see how they celebrate, if they do anything special or different.

Last night we had H's office holiday party. I went, I looked great (for me) , made friends with everyone, mingled and acted like an extrovert and barely spoke a word to H the entire time. It was actually fun, but sad at the same time. Came home and H stayed up late on his laptop, I went to bed and barely slept, had chest pains on and off all night, I am sure from anxiety.

I am so sad. My parents and sister and her kids will be here the day after Christmas, so that will help. I wish I was more detached from H. Trying to focus on the kids.

I know he bought me a present, but I have no idea what it could be. H also did all the christmas shopping for S9 - that is a first- don't think he has ever bought a christmas present for any of the kids, he had some great ideas and just went ahead and bought his several things. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated his involvement, trying to focus on the positive.