dday, gaining traction

[gs9]

dday, Keep being a great Dad. We can't control the choices of our WW's nor would we want the burden. They definitely see things differently than we do. Just the other day my WW and I were talking. I told her I was no longer going to have these types of conversations in front of D4. She has seen and heard too much over the last year. WW responded with "Or this will be really good for her and she'll learn how to constructively manage conflict". Wow!!!! If WW thinks her way of handling conflict is constructive she is once again proving she's in lala land.

Keep being a great dday and Dad

[dday]

W just texted that she wants to meet after I drop the boys off at sunday school, so she can give me revised d papers. Nothing like ruining my night with the boys. I know it shouldnt, but it definately sours a mood

[dday]

Feeling down. I really hate where my M is at. Don't have a clue how to have good pma today. I am flying out to see a buddy this evening, which should help.

I have loved this woman with all my heart. And she quit. Said she would come back if the "feelings" came back. But she never wanted to try and do anything together. I feel so bad for my boys. Don't like where I am living, and my pos car is dying too. Feel overwhelmed.

Really don't know what to do from here. Feels like I am just existing. Every time I start to feel a little better, I get knocked back down. Sorry, this just [censored].

[Fogg]

Sorry your feeling down dday. What we all go through isnt easy to say the least, but were survivors who make it through.

I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but Zues posts about it often and makes an excellent case for it. We need to be happy with what we have here and now and not base things off of what we don't have or could have in the future. Things aren't over, you could still R with W, but it will be better if you get to a point sooner than later where you can be happy with what you do have, instead of what you don't. Turn it around and see the good things you have instead of whats lacking. You have some great kids who love you, food on the table, friends to spend time with, a home to live in, a car to move you around, a job to provide income, etc, etc, etc.

I know this isn't easy but keep going, your have alot to live for right now.

"The story I’m about to tell you, originally told by the Buddha in a sutra, concerns a Zen Master who, while out walking one day, is confronted by a ferocious, man-eating tiger. He slowly backs away from the animal, only to find that he is trapped at the edge of a high cliff; the tiger snarls with hunger, and pursues the Master. His only hope of escape is to suspend himself over the abyss by holding onto a vine that grows at its edge. As the Master dangles from the cliff, two mice – one white and one black – begin to gnaw on the vine he is clutching on. If he climbs back up, the tiger will surely devour him, if he stays then there is the certain death of a long fall onto the jagged rocks. The slender vine begins to give way, and death is imminent. Just then the precariously suspended Zen Master notices a lovely ripe wild strawberry growing along the cliff’s edge. He plucks the succulent berry and pops it into his mouth. He is heard to say: “This lovely strawberry, how sweet it tastes.”"

Find that strawberry today.

[dday]

Thanks fogg. Just overwhelmed, I guess. I need to find things that are bright spots today. Need to focus on the trip. Taking the boys to Sunday school in a few minutes. It's hard to see positives while she is still walking away. But, that is on her. I didn't do this and I can't stop it

[dday]

W gave me the "revised" paperwork. All they actually revised was wording on a few things. Anything that would cost her a penny, or make her back down on any kid issue was ignored.

Somehow, she went from 50/50, we don't need L involved to you need to sign this or get a L. I can't sign this. I will be broke, whike she keeps everything.

I am still considering the house idea too. I am back and forth on wanting to keep it.

So I'm emotional again. And then I started thinking, I do miss W. But, I equally miss my lifestyle of security and having a partner and seeing my kids everyday and working towards a common goal with W. So it's not just W that I am mourning right now. It's a multitude of things.

Must keep working on detachment.

[Fogg]

Well I guess you have the answer, unfortunately. She's stuck in entitlement mode and it puts you in an uncomfortable position where you might need L's.

Just don't back down and give her everything she wants to avoid making her angry or avoid L's. She might expect just that and be using it to get what she wants. Sorry today isn't going the way you wanted.

[dday]

Thanks fogg. I am not d the girl I married, but whoever this is has decided to d me. I miss the one I married, not what she has become. I don't know if she ever tells me the truth anymore, and I have had people tell me that she seems fake. I never heard that before.

Well, nothing I can do about it. Have to drop this rope!

[dday]

More ramblings. Just got off the phone after an hour and a half conversation with W. She is going to call her L and make MOST of the changes. I can live with it all except the buyout. I told her that if she didn't want the house, I did. She says she wants to keep it. Then asked me to figure out a buyout number.

Had some crying time together. W says I checked in when she checked out. I validated as much as possible. She says that if the feelings were to come back, she would have stopped this. Says that she doesn't love or respect me, because she has cried herself to sleep many nights the past 7 years. I did say that no feelings will come back unless she chose to forgive the past. She said that if this would have happened 3 years ago, it may have mattered. (Good that she noted the changes.)

Where do I go from here?

[dday]

Ps. When I told her that I was sorry for ever hurting her, and told her that I meant it. I know how I have felt lately, and if it was even 1/10 this bad, then I am terribly sorry. She said "I don't think you understand. I have cried myself to sleep so many times, or the boys have seen me cry so many times."

I don't know how to respond to that