Also, I see her Mom a couple times a week (for kid's daycare). I know her parents and sister's family all still care about me. But I have animosity towards all of them for not telling me about the other man. Is this silly? Should I confront them?
Hey Mahhty - I saw this on your thread a few days ago and meant to comment, because this is something I see pop up in various threads from time to time and I have unusually strong feelings about it, but time got away from me and your thread went in another direction in the meantime.
First of all - I don't want to make any false equivalencies here - my in-laws didn't know anything about the affair - so I didn't have to deal with that additional betrayal. And I do think that the right thing for them to have done was speak up.
All that being said, here's why I would cut them some slack. I'm going to assume that they are generally good people (sometimes I read about in-laws on these forums that sound like they immediately close ranks at the first whiff of divorce, but that doesn't sound like the case here). There is a lot of advice floating around out there to stay out of situations like these - in fact, I would venture to say its sort of the generally accepted behavior. And of course - you probably don't know how this was spun by your ex-wife - but I would venture to guess she did put some sort of spin on it.
Mahhty - I've made lots of mistakes in my sitch- but I will claim some success with how I've treated my in-laws. I stopped thinking of them as in-laws and more as my children's relatives. I've gone out of my way to maintain a relationship with them that is independent of my X. I frequently send pictures, expedite phone calls and Facetime with the kids (they live on the opposite coast), routinely inquire about their various health problems, comment positively on their Facebook posts (XH is not on Facebook - so this makes it easier for me - I understand not everyone can do this), remember birthdays etc. etc. The result has been a good relationship with them. We don't talk about XH very often, and when we do it's just factually based (he has the kids today, etc.). I've even vacationed with MIL and will do so again. It has not been perfect. They are human and they love their son, and I'm sure there are times when they wonder if there is more to the story and if maybe I did something to "cause" what happened.
Anyway - here are the two massive benefits I have gotten from my efforts. There isn't much awkwardness between me and them. I have years of kid related milestones ahead (birthdays, graduations, marriages etc.) and these she be much easier both for me and for the kids now. Second - my girls get to see me and their father's family together. I think that is important and of great benefit to them, rather then having two completely separate sides of the family. (I wish it went the other direction, but XH has made no gestures at all to my family, even after my father passed away this summer.)
I know you're hurt right now - but for what it's worth, I'd encourage you to establish your own relationship with them. It hurts no one.
