I'm really starting to think that my H is a narcissist. He told me yesterday that once our relationship didn't fulfill his needs anymore that he wanted out. If it didn't revolve about him he could care less. He knows that is wrong and that in relationships there has to be a give and take, an ebb and flow, but he really doesn't know how to get that into his head and heart. It's not just with me that he is like that. All his relationships, be it friendships, work relationships or family relationships are like that. If they don't revolve around him or are a benefit to him, he just leaves them behind. I wish I could tell him this so he could get help in dealing with his issues, but I know that this has to come from him and him alone. I guess first step is that he realizes that it is a re-occurring problem in his life. But he seems to be ok to live like that. From one relationship to the next, one friendship to the next. As much as he has hurt me with his actions and inactions, I feel sorry for him.
I just don't know how much longer I can hang on. I want to be in a relationship that has mutual respect, mutual caring and compassion. I just don't know if my H will ever be capable of that.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
((Di)) Are you sure we are not M to the same man??? Once you realize he has this problem, you are free to release all responsibility from fixing it. It is his problem, and you cant control it. Wash your hands from it and do something nice for you.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
My H has an older brother that he has no contact with...you never know!!!
He has some huge problems. I can't fix it. I can't do anything. The longer I hang on the worse it is for me. Seriously, some days I just wish he would have died.
His life will go down the toilet, until he finds another sucker to take care of him. I will never pay for him ever again and I think he knows that and that is why he doesn't want to work on our marriage. He will never get the free ride that he had from me again.
I so hope sooner rather than later I won't care anymore. I still get really sad to think that next year, the year after, 5 years from now, he will be just a distant memory. Someone I used to know.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Mona, His life will go down the toilet, until he finds another sucker to take care of him. Right now I am feeling the same way, only I feel guilty, like it is my fault if he gets another victim. Like, if I would have just dealt with it, this new woman would not be getting hurt.
I will never pay for him ever again and I think he knows that and that is why he doesn't want to work on our marriage. He will never get the free ride that he had from me again. That is identical to how I think my H might also be feeling. I am pretty sure by now he knows I am not there for him anymore.
I so hope sooner rather than later I won't care anymore. I still get really sad to think that next year, the year after, 5 years from now, he will be just a distant memory. Someone I used to know.
I try to imagine what WILL be in my life on the day I look back and think the H is just someone I used to know.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Yes Mutatio, he is choosing his path. He is not on the same path as me. I don't think he ever really was. I have to move forward. As much as I try to imagine what my life would be like with him in it, he just doesn't fit anymore.
I tolerated a lot of differences between us. Would often keep my mouth shut. I sometimes was embarrassed by his behaviour. He behaves very juvenile and is borderline racist. I'm a child of the world. I travelled a lot as a kid and had empathy and compassion instilled by my parents. Different nationalities, races, religions. I have always been very interested and compassionate. Agree to disagree. We are all human, we all bleed the same. My husband is not like that. He put up a good front at first. He has many " friends" from different nationalities. They would be horrified by some of the things he says in private. I just really don't think I could live with someone that is so self centred. He would rather kick someone when hey are down than to help them up. He had mentally handicapped students when he was teaching and behind their backs he would make fun of them. I feel bad that sometimes I would go along with it and didn't speak up. I always felt uncomfortable when he acted that way.
I think to myself, what in the world happened to my H when he was young to be so uncaring for people. He puts on a good front and everyone loves him and thinks he is such a great guy....until they start to see the real him. Then he just cuts and runs. I feel sorry for him and the next person that comes into his life. Until he realizes and works on his own issues (whatever they are) this will continue on and on and on. Not my monkey, not my circus!!!
I still care and love him very much. I will observe from a distance. I'm still very friendly with my MIL. She knows he needs counselling. Then I think to myself....I really don't want to know anymore. so confusing!
Second week of December the separation agreement will get done. Still debating if I should file for divorce in April or not. No need to worry until then. I do know my H will not file. He wants me to make the hard decisions.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
He told me that one of the reasons he does not want to reconcile with me is because I wouldn't throw my D out after he left. I know I have been over indulgent with both of my kids over the years. I parented from guilt because their father completely walked away from them 7 years ago and abandoned them. My S hates his dad and wanted nothing to do with him. My D was a daddy's girl and it hurt her incredibly when he stopped all contact. I guess at times I over compensated.
I'm also a conflict avoider. I hated fighting with the kids or my H or anyone else in my family. I would just hunker down and do things myself if no one else stepped up. Until I got sick and then I just couldn't do anything for anyone. My H got mad at me because I wouldn't make the kids do more stuff. I just didn't have the energy to yell or demand. I just made it to work and then bed. Then I couldn't even make it to work. My H didn't step up either. His reasoning was if I didn't make the kids do anything then he didn't have to do anything either.
Just writing this makes me shake my head. He is a grown adult. How selfish. In fact he is one of the most selfish persons I have ever met in my life. Why? Why do I want to be with someone that is like this?
Ok got side tracked....my H said that he wants me to be the strong woman he met and was attracted to. To make the tough decisions (like kicking out my daughter. But what he doesn't understand is that I am working on becoming strong again and the first strong thing I will do is cut out the person that caused me pain (emotionally and financially) and that person is him.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
He told me that one of the reasons he does not want to reconcile with me is because I wouldn't throw my D out after he left.
Sorry, Di I really don't buy this. Your D is your D, if before possibly but after. I would see this as rationalisation. If it hadn't been this then maybe the colour of the carpets?
I know I have been over indulgent with both of my kids over the years. I parented from guilt because their father completely walked away from them 7 years ago and abandoned them. My S hates his dad and wanted nothing to do with him. My D was a daddy's girl and it hurt her incredibly when he stopped all contact. I guess at times I over compensated.
Your choice, your D, your S. You over indulged H too, did he complain about that?
I'm also a conflict avoider.
Di, this is worth exploring, in which ways do you avoid conflict?
Is it related to your personal boundaries?
How do you feel about this?
I hated fighting with the kids or my H or anyone else in my family. I would just hunker down and do things myself if no one else stepped up.
We have discussed this before Di, taking on others responsibilities and you have done a terrific job of handing those over and creating space for you. Superb in fact, and I have said that before.
Until I got sick and then I just couldn't do anything for anyone.
Including yourself for a while, and you turned it around.
My H got mad at me because I wouldn't make the kids do more stuff.
No one Di has the power to make another do or say anything. So this is nonsense, you are to blame for not making another human do something? Complete tosh in my view. Setting boundaries and enforcing those are under your control.
I just didn't have the energy to yell or demand. I just made it to work and then bed. Then I couldn't even make it to work. My H didn't step up either. His reasoning was if I didn't make the kids do anything then he didn't have to do anything either.
Completely irrational logic. Anyway he can't make anyone do anything either! All he could do is appeal to their better nature.
Just writing this makes me shake my head. He is a grown adult. How selfish. In fact he is one of the most selfish persons I have ever met in my life. Why? Why do I want to be with someone that is like this?
Careful on the labels Di. If you want to say he behaved selfishly at that time then ok. It will help you add perspective if you label the behaviour not the person. Plus this is very black and white, what the most selfish ever, what about H1 then?
Ok got side tracked....my H said that he wants me to be the strong woman he met and was attracted to.
Thats quite reasonable, if that's what he was attracted to. In which ways would you like him to develop in return? Or is this a one way street?
To make the tough decisions (like kicking out my daughter.
But what he doesn't understand is that I am working on becoming strong again
I think you underestimate your own grit here Di.
and the first strong thing I will do is cut out the person that caused me pain (emotionally and financially) and that person is him.
Sounds very reactive and tit for tat to me. In which ways did you contribute to your own pain ( I don't mean your illness necessarily) and in which ways did he? What part did illness play? And what about others burdens you took on? Let's create a balanced score card.
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Tell me about your health currently Di.
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
[quote=Vanilla]I had a bit of a chat with H a few days ago.
I am glad you are chatting.
We only chat when I reach out to him. He rarely calls or texts me. I'm tired. I don't want to play this game anymore. I deleted all his contact information off my phone and computer. I need space from him.
He told me that one of the reasons he does not want to reconcile with me is because I wouldn't throw my D out after he left.
Sorry, Di I really don't buy this. Your D is your D, if before possibly but after. I would see this as rationalisation. If it hadn't been this then maybe the colour of the carpets?
He has given numerous reasons why he had to leave. My kids, my animals, the house, my family, the grass was too green, the sky was too blue. I really just think that playing house and actually having some responsibility besides himself is not what he thought marriage would be like. He liked the perks, the cars, the motorcycle, the free rent, heat and hydro, but when I started to put some boundaries in place financially and cut him off the bill paying accounts so I would actually be able to pay the bills, he became "unhappy".
I know I have been over indulgent with both of my kids over the years. I parented from guilt because their father completely walked away from them 7 years ago and abandoned them. My S hates his dad and wanted nothing to do with him. My D was a daddy's girl and it hurt her incredibly when he stopped all contact. I guess at times I over compensated.
Your choice, your D, your S. You over indulged H too, did he complain about that?
Nope, he never complained as long as he was number 1. He was an only child. His father died when he was very young. He had mommys undivided attention. He also did his best to sabotage any relationships his mother had. He wanted her to only be with his dad and since his dad was dead he wanted her alone. This went on well into his teens. I would say he has some mommy issues.
I'm also a conflict avoider.
Di, this is worth exploring, in which ways do you avoid conflict?
Is it related to your personal boundaries?
How do you feel about this?
The long term relationship I had before I met my husband was very volatile. I stood up for myself. It ended up with me getting beaten in the middle of the street, 6 cop cars and a taser. He was high on drugs and just snapped. Since then I really don't like yelling and screaming and I try to avoid it as much as possible.
I hated fighting with the kids or my H or anyone else in my family. I would just hunker down and do things myself if no one else stepped up.
We have discussed this before Di, taking on others responsibilities and you have done a terrific job of handing those over and creating space for you. Superb in fact, and I have said that before.
Yes it seems I had to take a giant step back and stop doing things for everybody. I also had to change my life (house and work) so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone. It kind of [censored]. I was such a giving and helpful person and now I'm really hesitant on doing anything for anyone.
Until I got sick and then I just couldn't do anything for anyone.
Including yourself for a while, and you turned it around.
My H got mad at me because I wouldn't make the kids do more stuff.
No one Di has the power to make another do or say anything. So this is nonsense, you are to blame for not making another human do something? Complete tosh in my view. Setting boundaries and enforcing those are under your control.
I was weak on setting boundaries with everyone. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die. The side effects from the medication (steroids and chemo) I had been taking totally knocked me on my behind. My mind was fuzzy at best. I remember driving home at 2 am after a late shift, it was raining and for the life of me I couldn't remember how to turn on my windshield wipers.
I just didn't have the energy to yell or demand. I just made it to work and then bed. Then I couldn't even make it to work. My H didn't step up either. His reasoning was if I didn't make the kids do anything then he didn't have to do anything either.
Completely irrational logic. Anyway he can't make anyone do anything either! All he could do is appeal to their better nature.
I hoped when I wasn't able to function that he would step up and delegate chores. Instead he stopped doing anything to do with the house or that would have helped me.
Just writing this makes me shake my head. He is a grown adult. How selfish. In fact he is one of the most selfish persons I have ever met in my life. Why? Why do I want to be with someone that is like this?
Careful on the labels Di. If you want to say he behaved selfishly at that time then ok. It will help you add perspective if you label the behaviour not the person. Plus this is very black and white, what the most selfish ever, what about H1 then?
V, seriously he is selfish. He actually said " Once my needs were no longer being met I just wanted out." He felt absolutely no compassion or empathy towards me or what I was going through. To this day he has never even googled my illness. I could no longer give him what he wanted. To be #1, to be taken care of financially, undivided attention. We never had a level playing field. I always gave more than I got. He is a taker and when I couldn't give anymore he checked out. He knows that this behaviour is not " normal", but he doesn't care. He doesn't know why he is like this, but he is happy now. He only has to look after himself. H1 I can only put in the idiot category. Yes he behaved very selfish in his actions towards the kids, but in the 10 years we were together he actually did stuff for someone besides himself. He has had a stroke and a couple of mild heart attacks. God knows what's in his head now. I just feel bad for my kids.
Ok got side tracked....my H said that he wants me to be the strong woman he met and was attracted to.
Thats quite reasonable, if that's what he was attracted to. In which ways would you like him to develop in return? Or is this a one way street?
According to him he is just fine the way he is. I actually need a man that will think of the bigger picture, not just about himself. Compassion and kindness that is what my H has to learn. As far as I am concerned, I might appear weak to him because I still want him back, but if I wasn't strong I would have never made through the hellish last couple of years alive. He would have crumbled if he was in my shoes!
To make the tough decisions (like kicking out my daughter.
But what he doesn't understand is that I am working on becoming strong again
I think you underestimate your own grit here Di.
I AM STRONG!!
and the first strong thing I will do is cut out the person that caused me pain (emotionally and financially) and that person is him.
Sounds very reactive and tit for tat to me. In which ways did you contribute to your own pain ( I don't mean your illness necessarily) and in which ways did he? What part did illness play? And what about others burdens you took on? Let's create a balanced score card.
It's not reactive. It took 8 months to get there. He reeled me in a couple of times over the summer with wanting to get back together. When he realized that I was actually working on myself and that I expected him to do the same I guess he knew I didn't want him back the way he was. I really truly don't want him anymore the way he is and was. I still love him, but he drained me. How did I contribute to my own pain? I didn't heed the huge red flags that were popping up everywhere. I really didn't get to know him before I married him. Most importantly I didn't put myself first. How did he contribute to my pain? He asked me to choose between him and my kids, between him and my animals, between him and my health. I would work overtime to try to make ends meet, when I shouldn't have been working at all and then he would casually tell me that he went for sushi lunch. Selfish!
Tell me about your health currently Di.
I had a few rough weeks. Getting the house ready, then packing everything up and then the actual move really wore me out. I've been struggling with fatigue for the last two weeks and my joints are aching like crazy. Thank you canadian winter.
Now that I have some money I'm actually buying healthy food, supplements and vitamins. Hoping to make it to gym to buy a membership next week for my daughter and I. We can be work out buddies.
I'm hoping Aqua fitness and gentle Yoga will help me with my emotional health. I hate waking up not knowing if I will be a completely miserable, weepy mess or if I will be ok. Haven't had a day yet that has been great.
I start a new round of IC tomorrow. Hoping that will help too.
Still going for monthly blood tests. Had an MRI in October, stress test, echocardiogram and a 24 hour heart monitor. Trying to get in with my family doctor to review the results. Scleroderma specialist also coming up this week and then a CT Scan in January and follow up with the liver specialist. I have had a nagging cough for the past couple of months, so I'm assuming I will be getting a pulmonary function test done again too. At least the benign tumour on my kidneys is not growing. Hahaha! I'm still kicking. On a very down note. My good friend that has lung cancer was told that it has spread to her bones. The prognosis they have given her is 1-3 years. I told her to fight!!!
And now my mini novel is done!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
My H also got mad because I would not force the kids to do more. I grew up in a house that was constantly at war with each other. I was the only peacekeeper for mom, dad and 2 sisters. I took care of as much as I could so that they did not have to fight.
So with my children and H, I took on the same role. I did everything so they would have nothing to fight with each other.
My H never told the kids to help, and he also never helped, but he complained that things did not get done.
So, I feel exactly how you feel. He is so, so selfish! I am beginning to see my role in his selfishness, and my wanting to make sure no one was upset may be the biggest reason he appears selfish. I am sure there were time in the past when he tried to step up and tell the kids what to do. And me, being peacemaker, ran in and saved the kids. I am sure I stepped in way more than once or twice. So why would he try to make the kids help, when every time he does, he gets resentment from me?
I cannot take all the blame for his actions, but I can clearly see my part in them.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
