Julie, I have been thinking about my responses to questions on your thread. In retrospect I think I was heavy handed in my answers. I am sorry for dumping on your husband.
I thought about what drove me to respond the way I did and I found the answer. Part of it was my resentment from my frustration in dealing with my own situation. Part of was your husband's choices and my moral code. Part of it is my psyche, I know it is not right but I find it easier to beat up on a male then a female.
Again, I am sorry for injecting my baggage into the response I offered you. My emotional struggle is below the surface and if I am not vigilant it can leech into my actions.
With that said, I believe you are the only one who has your best interests at heart. Be well Julie, be strong
Lovely Mutatio,
This is a great post to JulieH. I say that not because your apology was needed. Part of posting is the fact that we all slip in and out of telling our own truths that reflect our journey. Julie asked for empathy and support and your post was forthright in sharing your opinion. But this is not why your post is great.
Your post is great because, for me I getting a glimmer of more of who you are. What your drivers are. Where you hold yourself accountable.
"Part of was my own frustration and resentment in dealing with my own situation" . Tell us more
"Part of it was your husband's choices and my moral code". What choices have you indentified that made you reflect on your own moral code? What happens when you operate outside your moral code?
" Part of it is my Psyche, I know it is not right but I find it easier to beat up on a male then a female". What's triggered here for you? Who has been beaten up in the past, the present the future?
"My emotional struggle is below the surface and if I am not vigilant it can leech into my actions" . This worries me. I
I wonder if containment has become so much of a practice in your life and in wife's life, that letting go of emotion feels like it "leeches" and needs you to be "vigilant". Please do not mistake the intent of the comment, I too I am "container" and not just a "leecher" but an "exploder".
But balance is required.
My worry Mutatio is that containment is not about a healthy management of emotion and containment does not lead to resolution of emotion, it maintains itself. I wonder if you have a case of better in than out? Neutrality in emotion is by far an easier way to end suffering Mutatio but sometimes to rid ourselves of some suffering it needs to be felt and overcome.
In Brene Brown's work, she talks about how naming feelings of shame allows you to release it and you feel better. Admittedly she says choose wisely who you talk about it too. I'm not sure if shame is your thing. It could well be something else.
I loved this post Mutatio, is the first time in a long time, I have seen you talk and be vulnerable just about you and your stuff. This is where your freedom is.
Please take my words as they are intended, with great kindness and respect. I know you have done a lot of work in therapy and maybe all of the above is redundant. Maybe you are not here to scratch around in the dirt, maybe this board is more a place of seeking solace and companionship in a time when you feel isolated in your home and relationship. It is one of the reasons I remain here. Then please ignore the above.
