My WW - Trying To Stay Strong

[Azzork]

Right after BD, I told a few of my friends the details of what's going on. Like I thought that if I could recruit enough people to my "side", then XW would see she was being crazy and work this out.

The end result is that XW doesn't speak to anyone I discussed it with anymore. On top of that, she was/is irate that I discussed our marital troubles with mutual friends.

You don't need to lie and say everything's great. But you also don't need to share all the details.

[Strngr!]

I understand where you are, but remember that while he can support you some, telling him ANYTHING only makes the road home bumpier for her. I think you witnesses that yesterday.

My intention was actually only to tell him we were having issuesm his GF had been supporting my W quite a bit and he was getting suspocious and mad at her i felt the need for him to know of oir issues so as to not cause any issues in his own relationahip. He sluthed out the A on his own and asked me point blank. I suppose next time someone asks me i could lie. I thought hes already suspicious i should tell him truth so i can level with him and tell him my 1st option would be preferably to try and work things out with W and told him that i hope he can respect that and hold nothing against my W. If w and i can get though this i need him to be suportive of my decision and he has said it wont be easy for him but he will what matters to him is what want.

[Azzork]

My intention was actually only to tell him we were having issue his GF had been supporting my W quite a bit and he was getting suspocious and mad at her i felt the need for him to know of oir issues so as to not cause any issues in his own relationahip.

Read that again.
You wanted to tell him about your wife's affair to not cause problems in HIS relationship?
Huh?

Answer me this:
Does telling your friend the details of the problems in your M get you CLOSER or FARTHER from your goals?

He sluthed out the A on his own and asked me point blank. I suppose next time someone asks me i could lie. I thought hes already suspicious i should tell him truth so i can level with him and tell him my 1st option would be preferably to try and work things out with W and told him that i hope he can respect that and hold nothing against my W. If w and i can get though this i need him to be suportive of my decision and he has said it wont be easy for him but he will what matters to him is what want.

1) you don't need to lie. But you also don't need to tell the entire truth. Why is it his business anyway?

2) wait, it won't be easy for HIM to be supportive if you reconcile with W? What kind of friend is that? She's cheating on YOU and if you put in the work and bust your D, HE can't be supportive? That's garbage.

[Strngr!]

Azz,

I was trying to just tell my buddy w and i are having issues. So that he understood why his gf was spending so much time with my w. I knew they were getting into fights over it and his gf didnt want to be the one to tell him. I didnt think it was fair for our problems to trickle down to them. So intention was just to say were having issues and not get into detail. He was suspicious and dragged all the details. Anyways him knowing details puts me further from the ultimate goal. I guess if i could take it back i would tell him he doesnt need to know the details to be able to support me in this situation. And then i could have said being suspicious of things isnt being supportive since my primary hope would be able to work things out with w. I didnt tell him the whole truth just told him she was talking to another guy. He snooped through his gfs phone and found all the details for himself. It wont be easy for anyone involved he is 100% suportive of what ends up happening. I trust he would get over it and treat my was no differently then he would have before.

[mvgfwd2]

First off, her friend was not the kind of friend she needs for encouraging the A. So if that friendship is soured, then all the better.

Second, W's talk of separation and all is nothing new. She's been saying that for weeks. Don't react to it, it's nothing but trying to get a reaction out of you to keep you on the plan B leash.

Think about what you want after the admission of the PA. If it is you want to save your marriage then let your friend know that is your wish and he needs to at least outwardly treat your W appropriately.

Now how do you feel about attending the bday party?

Believe it or not what happened last night was good in that the secrets have been laid bare and the loss your W feels from it is real. Tarnishing the shinny, exciting A is a good thing.

You have to be stronger than your urge to connect with your W until the OM is gone.

[tl2]

strngr,

I'm going to add that keeping it all bottled up without talking to somebody is not a healthy thing. I don't see anything wrong with your talking to your good friend but he should keep your convos confidential. If that's not possible, then find a counselor or therapist to talk to. Advice on handling difficult situations is a good thing to get from them, but the best thing is you can talk and they can listen and they are confidential and professional.

[trumpet]

Strngr!, telling your buddy was the RIGHT thing to do. It brings the EA/PA out in the open - your wife was living in both worlds, and she was prepared to handle just you, when the time comes. She now knows that by having the EA/PA she has done damage to her WHOLE world. You will look back at that day and realize it was the catalyst for movement in the affair and in your M.

This will take time for her to process. She no longer can live in both worlds.

I'm waiting for my wife to come back from an EA. I think I'm a patient man, but when weeks turn to months, it can be REALLY trying. Keep your focus - yourself, and your S1.

I don't know if sending your mutual friends to her instead of talking with you would help. It's nice to have both sides of the story from their perspective, but in any way,shape, or form, a EA/PA is wrong.

When the time comes, force your wife to put herself in your shoes - would she be OK with you having a girlfriend on the side or another wife besides her? Of course not. But she's been asking you to do just that.

My wife suffered from some baby blues, and weight gain after the kiddos. It had a tremendous effect on her, and she never talked to me about it - was too ashamed. Anything like that with your wife?

[Butterc]

[quote=mvgfwd2]was not tellijg anyone that we are having problems i would have gone insane. I guess in the futur when i twll someone were having problems i should send them to W with their questions they have about what our problema are?

I totally hear you. I have vented to everyone trying to process this. I've always been open, so I'm not going to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, even if he needs the privacy. Which he does, he didn't talk about this with more than a buddy and his mom. He didn't even tell his brother!

Like you, I indicated I was going to DB no matter what. One step I took in taking care of myself was to accept my way of processing the situation, even if it would make him uncomfortable. One surprise I have had is that he is not at all comfortable when I express anger.(really had no reason to before)

But I can't think about him right now. Otherwise I'll keep staying in the "insane" realm... doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I'm doing a different thing, with no expectations except for myself to be ok.

I feel for you; hang in there.

[Strngr!]

Thanks all!

So bday today w went out with her family for bday lunch as soon as she got home from her night in hotel last night. I went out for lunch withy good buddy i told about sitch yeatersay his twin brother and his gf. When i got home w discussed with me the fact she didnt think the bday party was a good idea and she wanted to cancel but the only way we could do so was to tell everyone were having issues. So she is off currently telling her parents and brothers that we are seperating. I will be telling my parents when she returns. Looks like she doesnt actually care if she loses me. Time to turn focus back on myself. Hoping to get out tonight now that party is cancelled i wasnt going to go if she didnt cancel. As for telling my family about this im realy nervous. Any tips?

[mvgfwd2]

So what kind of separation is going happen? In-house or is she moving out? If it is in-house you might wait to tell your parents. It's not important at the moment. Think about what would happen when you reconcile. Would you wish you didn't tell the world? Think long term effects on your actions. Don't get caught up in the emotions at the moment.