I am going to explain my concept of abuse and provide you with a link to Zelda and my abuse thread. There are three types of abuse in my analysis
The first is reactive abuse, the kind of abuse which we do as a reaction to things that happen, or when we are in a fight. I had this abusive pattern, I call this my screaming banshee. It is behavioural, can be habit but can be resolved and managed. most of us when pushed will react thiis way.
The second is situational, abuse arises because of the situation we are in, change the situation and the abuse stops. A sexless marriage or frustrating financial position perhaps causes us to react in detrimental ways to achieve resolution.
The final is engrained in personality, the abuse was there all along. The abuse is about control not anger. It is how the abuser gets resource for themselves. Depending on the type of abuser they may use violence to get what they want. Abuse isnt only violence. It can be intimidation: as in my case or physical manipulation as in mustardseeds. Zelda had objects thrown at her. GreenGrass son was hit. One male poster was screamed at in the shower. All off this is systemic abuse and controlling.
The type of abuse to be very wary of is the last, those who exhibit can change although it is very unlikely and it takes many years. It requires a great deal of willingness and frankly until they have extensive therapy CBT, dBT or other intensive therapy, then NC is best advised with systematic abusers. Abusers of this type are very weak indeed in personality. They see their family as an extension of themselves and treat them as if they had no rights. This type of abuse is difficult to be involved in. Abuse targets (not victims) are chosen because their Characteristics fit the profile of low boundaries, generosity and naivety. This type of abuser uses financial abuse as a method of control.
Why control?
Well abusive behaviour is limited to family, these abuses are not necessarily extended to workmates, drinking buddies or POPs. ( Potential other partners).
In order to maintain control, abusive patterns in the last type (which I call systemic abuse), involve the target being told what the target wants to hear. It keeps the target engaged and giving. I call this the sweet cycle. It can be very subtle in the start of a new sweet cycle, crumbs even.
So I am going to call this for you, in other situations I have regretted not being more forthright in my posts. So please consider if your WH is using the last type of abuse pattern. If so it doesn't bode well.
There are some indicators about the control, particularly his use of money. As long as you have resource or are capable of taking resource you will be targeted by WH. It's quite dangerous position at the start off a sweet cycle. Especially if you are becoming aware, there can be manipulation to maintain resource. Anc is in a current sitch for this. So you need to be very careful, to document and record. Protect yourself at all interactions.
I particularly see the word "try" as an indicator. Try is a set up word to excuse failure. I will try to get there! I will try to be good etc. Meaning I am just saying this to appease you, and later " well I only said I would try. I did and it didn't work out, but I did try."
I think your WH is using money as a means of control. Why is the parking lot an important symbol to me? In many ways because if WH was seriously concerned about this, it would be a quiet important discussion to have when neither of you are distracted. Not a by the way in a public place.
There are two very important posts on your thread about this issue, the first is Sandis and the second is Jellyb. Your own post about WH long standing use of cash as a resource, garnering small sums and hoarding from family finances is a red flag to me. As I said the parking lot treatment another, designed to down dog. Unless treated this type of behaviour gets worse with age.
I agree with Zues, in almost all of us there can be abusive behaviour, although when we realise we rectify. For some systematic abuse is ingrained and part of personality, and they don't atone and resolve. They see it as necessary to their well being.
I am very careful to call the behaviour and not to label in this. If you decide their is. Systematic abuse by WH then think of yourself as a target not a victim. it is important for your healing that you think this way. I believe this, acceptance is key, once you know then you can not unknow. This isn't faux victimhood, targets have a hard time seeing themselves as targets. If you decide you have been a target, then you. Are not to blame for this.WH has done this for control, you can choose to be strong, acquire boundaries and protect yourself.
My view is very straightforward, abuse of whatever type. Should stop full stop. Completely. Even after all this time NC with my WH, any type of abuse whether intended or not triggers me into PTSD. It's easily observed, the worst came after I understood and set boundaries. The abuse moved to a level 6 abuse, physical intimidation. For my own sake an earlier intervention would have helped. It was the wonderful GreenGrass who called it for me and then I could no longer deny.
