New or false hope?

[JulieH]

Mutatio : thank you. I am questioning myself a lot. I go over in my mind a lot of his actions that seem so selfish and question if it's as bad as I think it is and as bad as my family and friends see it. I want to be fair, but I would say the same thing your saying if it was a close friend. I think I am going to just try to go about my life as I was and not take what he said seriously. He really needs to prove himself. (his luxury car was bought some years ago before kids against my wishes. He also borrowed money from me to pay for it. I complained and it was a source of fighting but I also enabled it )

Painter, GMum,sandi : I don't feel like my husband is abusive. In fact, I think he feels like i have been abusive. Admittedly I am incredibly good at making passive aggressive comments that really hit to the bone. (They often just pop out but I am getting better at controlling this part of me). In my opinion I feel like I react to behaviors of his that I just find incredibly selfish. It is hard for me to move past a lot of these behaviors and they lead to me complaining and resenting. He often views it as me controlling and being critical. The behaviors are beyond selfish though... He needs to sleep late all the time which was source of great friction. He wouldn't watch kids for me and let me sleep when I was sick with pneumonia. Hell, He woke me up early to watch kids 2 days post surgery for cancer (type that could have been bad but ended up being caught early) when I was pregnant last year. His argument was that they used local anesthesia (they only used this instead of general because I was pregnant and no obstetrician at SK). i still think of how stressed I was during that whole incident and question why I want him back. To be honest i don't know if I do. I tell myself we all do selfish things and say cruel things. But I was pregnant with his child! Ended up with really awful and prolonged miscarriage. All the hospital bills from that year he insisted on splitting and I am still getting bills. I actually think I paid majority of them. i feel like his actions are crueler then my words. I am writing this and I realize if he ever reads this he will know it is me and I don't care anymore. I am not sure if I am posting this because I have to remind myself that this is not acceptable behavior from a spouse. I feel like I am overlooking extreme selfishness because he did not cheat. I am trying to understand how someone can be that selfish.

I am trying to understand why my words made him so angry at me that he left. The things I said had truth to them regarding his negligence as a father. Why was I never the person to leave? Why did I fight with him instead of just ending things? How am I the bad guy in all this?