Unlurking, Rd II: Hitting reset

[SciDad]

Pho, you make me laugh. Thank you for helping me see the absurdity in my guilt.

And I'm laying off checking her phone for a bit. It's just not healthy for me

[SciDad]

Lately I have been struggling not to do this - or check her FB or whatever. Not in a great place, if ya'll can tell...

Don't do it. Obviously I don't always listen to my own advice, but just don't do it. Every time I check my fears are proven correct and I'm thrown into an emotional tailspin that lasts for days. This one is lasting longer because I had foolishly thought we had moved past the EA. I didn't realize how much I had reattached until now. Time to go back to seperating my happiness from her actions.

[SciDad]

Hi V!

The sentence that got the truth from my WH was "we both know the truth don't we?"

I also said "if you are going to try to mislead me, that will make things worse"

This sounds almost exactly like my initial confrontation with my W. I'd been monitoring her for over a month and finally had a chance to confront her (my in-laws were staying with us and it didn't seem like a great idea to do it in front of them). I believe I said "I am going to ask you a lot of questions, most of which I already know the answers to. Do not try and figure out what I know. All I want is the truth."

Beware... truth darts... can be a game changer

That is why they are best saved for the right moment. And I need to be prepared for the worst outcome. If I can't handle it, I can't use my info yet. I've already had to use intel twice to catch my W in lies. I don't like having to treat her like a child and double-check what she says, but she has given me no choice.

I believe in Intel. Five serving friends, who, what, when, where and why.

I think the real reason I like to have Intel backing me up is that I've learned that my wife is a better lair than I realized, or maybe I have a harder time seeing the truth because I'm too invested.
Knowing the truth while she tries to lie not only gives me ammo against her, but it also gives me insights into her tells as she lies. Too much info? Talking a bit excitedly? That's because she's lying to my face....

[Vanilla]

SciDad,

Sounds like you've got it covered and you're doing good on your detachment. I think that's great. In my original BD sitch several years ago, I found all kinds of useful information (I'm a software engineer) that allowed me to know, unbeknownst to my W, that she hadn't followed through on the no contact agreement. To this day she still doesn't know everything I know.

My W contracted an incurable venereal disease from her time with the OM...last I heard, she seemed to think he knew he had it and didn't tell her. Now I'm not so sure that she didn't get it from someone else and gave it to him.

Either way, I took enough precautions that I never got it. Anything reasonable you have to do to protect your physical health is something you should do.

In our sitch, my wife had unprotected sex with her POS OM for over 3 years and didn't tell me until their R was over. She contracted herpes. A couple or three months later, our youngest son (for the first time ever) started having cold sores on his mouth. I can't prove definitively that she somehow passed it to him, but it certainly hasn't helped me get over anything.

Rest easier my understanding is that the two types of Herpes are different, I suffer with cold sores which are type 1. Both types are herpes simplex. There are two strains type1 and 2. Type 1 can move from mouth to genitals, but I understand that type 2 is genital only and pretty unpleasant. Type 1 is less yucky and very easy to catch.

That's my understanding, no doubt some of the more medically inclined could urther.

V

[SciDad]

Tl2- v is right. Although cold sores and genital herpes are both caused by forms of the herpes virus, v is right in that it is different forms that cause each. It's nothing more than a bad coincidence, I swear.

[SciDad]

Having a tough day. Drove with w and kids in car for 3 hours. She's acting like we're still s family, but I know better.

Now I'm trying to psych myself up to start decorating for Xmas while my wife does whatever it is she's doing. This hurts. So bad.

I'm starting to hate Christmas but I'd like to be strong for the kids. GoING to be tough since the carols are tearing my heart apart

[Strngr!]

Having a tough day. Drove with w and kids in car for 3 hours. She's acting like we're still s family, but I know better.

Now I'm trying to psych myself up to start decorating for Xmas while my wife does whatever it is she's doing. This hurts. So bad.

I'm starting to hate Christmas but I'd like to be strong for the kids. GoING to be tough since the carols are tearing my heart apart

Hey Sci Im probably not the best person to give advice but ive been following yoir story and i felt compelled to give you some encouragement. Hang in there i went through all the acting like things were ok went along with it with her for over a month we recently decided to tell people were seperating instead of faking it through christmas unfortunatly this didnt make things any easier for me. As for putting up the tree and decorations do your boys like chirstmas if they do maybe they can help snd you csn take some comfort in their excitment. I know that it helped me to see my little guys face light up and how excited he was when he saw the lights on the tree and i put on a fun christmas movie for him to watch too. Anyways stay stong my freind from what i can tell you are stong like bull so keep it up

[gonegrl]

SciDad, I am sorry you are having a rough day. My H is Jewish and only celebrates Christmas because I do, so every year I do all of the decorating, shopping, etc, alone. It always adds a bit of sadness to it. Ironically, this year of all years, H did all of the shopping for S9. I don't know what happened. Anyway, this is what I am thinking. This is my first Christmas since BD. And I will get through it and make the best of it for the sake of the kids and because I deserve a nice Christmas too, but next Christmas is going to be awesome. I don't know if it will be an awesome "family reunited" Christmas, or single me with the kids, or me with my new bf and the kids. But next year will be awesome. This year we just have to make the best of it.

I thought of your w this morning while I was scraping ice off my car ....like I ALWAYS do, even when my H still loved me. Let her keep scraping her own windshield Sci, please?

[SciDad]

Journaling Update:

After a few anxiety attacks I made it through decorating. I thought I was freaking out because of the texts I saw between W and OM, but I think I mostly was upset because I felt like I was the only one trying to make an effort to Xmas work for the kids, and that they might not even notice or care. Although I don't have a psychology degree, I see the metaphor and acknowledge I have a ways to go with detaching.

My wife noticed that I was having a hard time staying in the same room with her or saying more than a short comment here or there and asked (somewhat angrily) what was wrong with me. I told her nothing was wrong and went back to working on the decorations, but made an effort to not show as much negativity - I hadn't realized how passive-aggressive I was being. It might sound strange, but I am so grateful she said something to knock me out of my funk. Earlier this year she would have STFU and hid somewhere else, causing my mood to darken even further. At least this way I had a way to respond through my actions and avoided escalating our dysfunction.

Once I changed my attitude, my younger son came over to help and was all excited. Drew pictures for santa, set out cookies even though I told him we had a little time still left. Then W joined in and helped direct my sons in their decorating. By the end we were all singing Christmas carols and having a great time.

So while it started really rocky and I was in a bad place, I think in the end it approached what I had been hoping for.

[SciDad]

Pho - haha, as long as it's just a bit of frost I'm good. If it gets to a thick layer of snow I'll help. Something V reminded me - safety first.

Another thing I'm trying to do is help get the kids out the door only until a certain time. After that I go to work. I still make lunches and corral them into combing hair/putting on coats, but in the past I'd stay to physically put them in my wife's car. Not sure why I was doing that, but it made me late a couple times this week and I decided I'd stop and let my wife deal with it. If she needs to wake up earlier so she can get dressed/made up to see the OM at work, so be it.