Don't know what to do anymore...

[Painter]

H and I are pretty much in the same place as before. I don't feel like he cares very much, but we get along okay on a daily basis. He spends a lot of time working on projects - but he always did - and we do not do any leisure activities together. I would like to, but he's not interested.

He talked about finding a place closer to where he works, but has done nothing to make it happen.

Sometimes we're closer - I may get a hug, and we may ML - other times it's more distant. I feel like H is the one who decides where we're at, he may feel I do since I sometimes say no to ML.

He's been distant since last we ML, which seems to be the usual pattern. I was going to give him a hug tonight when he went to bed, but he made it so awkward and seemed so uncomfortable I let it go. He was laughing and it didn't feel fun to me. He then tried to pull me in but I turned away and told him that I wouldn't attempt to get affection from him anymore, but he should not attempt to get me to ML, either - it goes both ways. It's not an ideal situation and probably about as far from DB'ing it can get... but I was hurt and felt the need to protect myself. H will make no move whatsoever to rectify the situation - he is very, very passive and has a fatalistic attitude.

On the upside, I am GAL'ing - with work for the most part, and working towards financial independence. It is going to take a little while, but I'm making significant steps. I have been so busy I had to drop a twice weekly activity that was getting too demanding, but on the other hand I have started working out! I can tell my mood is so much better on the days I go to the gym.

I treat H with courtesy and consideration on a daily basis. I'm able to start out each day on a positive note, and ignore most of his bad moods. We had an odd incident where he didn't understand why I was nice to him, and I pointed out that I usually am. My LL is clearly acts of service and gifts, and I keep doing those. I don't know if it would be any better if I stopped.

I know that H's LL is words of affirmation, and I try to do that even if it feels very unnatural - although easier than it used to.

On one side, I feel like I should read more in DR, revisit chapters, take notes, work on goals - on the other, I'm so sick of the whole thing I just want to forget about it. I feel like H and the M is already sucking so much energy out of me that I don't want to read about it, too. Anyone recognizing that feeling? Am I in some kind of a stage?