Thinking of you mutatio, I hope you can find some peace tonight. Remember that her urge not to come home is about her, not you. I get how they can self mediate with work, it just lets them escape from reality and my W has done the same. It doesn't solve any of their problems, it just delays facing them.
So what can you do tonight to take your mind off of her. Any movies you could watch or shows that you like? Maybe go for a late walk. Beat up one of her pillows. Make yourself a snack.
Many things you can do that will make you happy, don't let what shes doing control how you feel all the time. Don't just try to keep busy, find things that you really enjoy and do them.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
It might be your best option, but theres no guarantees with anything. I think part of what you said makes sense but the part that concerns me is where you seem to be waiting around for her to process her emotions.
What happens if she never does, or if she decides she wants a D? I know its not what you want to hear and it may not happen, but its something we have to accept as a possibility. Were not waiting around for our S's to do anything, were moving forward and living our lives while they live theirs. At some point in the future those two paths may join back up but you cant hold off on your life to wait for her. Find what makes you happy in life and do it. Lets explore what mutatio wants, what will make him happy, what he desires to do (other than be in a loving relationship, that's outside of your control right now).
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg, that's exactly what I'm doing. I am keeping myself busy until she comes around. I am the stoic hero waiting patiently for her to see how deep my love is for her. I feel if I give up my hope and do not wait for her, she will see it and quit. In other words if I quit she'll quit and if I wait for her she may change her mind.
I have things I do and I like doing them. Besides that I am home with my kids while she works. I chose them because they will not be available forever. Sooner or later they will have their own lives and move out of the nest.
I miss the emotional intimacy of another person. I get enough here to remain sane but it is not enough.
You can keep the hope things may work out and still move forward with your life. Something my coach asks me almost every time we talk is "what are you doing for John?" and asks about the things I'm improving about myself. He wants me to find those activities that puts a spring in my step and makes me happy so that when I do interact with W, no matter what shes doing, I'm happy with myself. This is the confusion that sets in with the WAW wondering "why is he so happy?" and they get curious. Its good your finding activities that you enjoy and spending time with your kids. So, step that up a notch and
That fear of "if they think I move on then they will move on" is one many LBS's tell ourselves from the beginning of BD. While there might be a tiny bit of truth to it, allowing that fear to be in our mind does more harm than good. Being happy with ourselves and enjoying life doesn't mean we move on, even if the WAS wants to use that as an excuse. Being miserable and holding onto the M keeps us from the growth we could have if we focused our minds on other things. The only way I can see the WAW really believing we are done and given us is if we start a new relationship with someone else, are cold to them and never interact, or just fully cut them out of our lives and go completely dark.
No one is ever saying give up or lose hope, just to find what really makes you happy and do it. If your doing that then great, keep it up. I know that loss of intimacy is hard, I miss it also. But when I really evaluate my M I had to ask myself if I even had it for a long time. I didn't. Me and my W communicate better right now than we have in years.
Maybe your situation was different but when BD happens us LBS's tend to glorify the M we had before in our minds. We focus on the good points where there was intimacy but forget and ignore all of the bad points. Its the opposite of what the WAW does, they only see the bad and ignore the good.
That or we focus on what the M could be in the future which has no grounds in reality. Its possible we could have a healthy relationship with them but its also possible we never would.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Good Morning Fogg, thanks for the response. I do have things I love doing. They are part of my GAL activities and also at home on the weekend. The "if they think I move on then they will move on" feeling is there, sometime stronger then other times but it's there. I'll have to work on that. Since my wife's affair in '08 I have glorified the marriage. It in reality has not been healthy in a very long time.
I knew that I was motivated by the fear of if I give up she will give up too. I thought I had to power through that fear to reach my goal. I will now strive to be a husband with a PMA and available but happy following his hobby/passion. Time for another evolution.
Mutatio, I agree with fogg. Do what you can to be happy and maybe it will make W curious. I had the fear of letting go... believe me, I am the poster child. Now, I am trying to shift my thinking. If I do let go, drop the rope, whatever... she will see that I am not going to be plan b. That should give my W reason to think. May not get a positive result, but I can focus on me and my kids.
Mu, you are an awesome and helpful man. Maybe this is a 180 that can help your W realize it too.
Good luck!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I'm thinking about you Mutatio. Good luck with your GAL activities today, I hope you have fun and find some contentment. I have a busy day today too, but really all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep all day. I'll be thinking of you as I am keeping busy, searching for my happiness. Hope you find yours.
Thank you pho, your thoughtful kindness is exactly what I miss here at home. I am lapping it up like an over heated dog drinking cool water on a hot summer day. I'll catch up with you tonight because I have things I want to create.
Julie, I have been thinking about my responses to questions on your thread. In retrospect I think I was heavy handed in my answers. I am sorry for dumping on your husband.
I thought about what drove me to respond the way I did and I found the answer. Part of it was my resentment from my frustration in dealing with my own situation. Part of was your husband's choices and my moral code. Part of it is my psyche, I know it is not right but I find it easier to beat up on a male then a female.
Again, I am sorry for injecting my baggage into the response I offered you. My emotional struggle is below the surface and if I am not vigilant it can leech into my actions.
With that said, I believe you are the only one who has your best interests at heart. Be well Julie, be strong
Lovely Mutatio,
This is a great post to JulieH. I say that not because your apology was needed. Part of posting is the fact that we all slip in and out of telling our own truths that reflect our journey. Julie asked for empathy and support and your post was forthright in sharing your opinion. But this is not why your post is great.
Your post is great because, for me I getting a glimmer of more of who you are. What your drivers are. Where you hold yourself accountable.
"Part of was my own frustration and resentment in dealing with my own situation" . Tell us more
"Part of it was your husband's choices and my moral code". What choices have you indentified that made you reflect on your own moral code? What happens when you operate outside your moral code?
" Part of it is my Psyche, I know it is not right but I find it easier to beat up on a male then a female". What's triggered here for you? Who has been beaten up in the past, the present the future?
"My emotional struggle is below the surface and if I am not vigilant it can leech into my actions" . This worries me. I
I wonder if containment has become so much of a practice in your life and in wife's life, that letting go of emotion feels like it "leeches" and needs you to be "vigilant". Please do not mistake the intent of the comment, I too I am "container" and not just a "leecher" but an "exploder".
But balance is required.
My worry Mutatio is that containment is not about a healthy management of emotion and containment does not lead to resolution of emotion, it maintains itself. I wonder if you have a case of better in than out? Neutrality in emotion is by far an easier way to end suffering Mutatio but sometimes to rid ourselves of some suffering it needs to be felt and overcome.
In Brene Brown's work, she talks about how naming feelings of shame allows you to release it and you feel better. Admittedly she says choose wisely who you talk about it too. I'm not sure if shame is your thing. It could well be something else.
I loved this post Mutatio, is the first time in a long time, I have seen you talk and be vulnerable just about you and your stuff. This is where your freedom is.
Please take my words as they are intended, with great kindness and respect. I know you have done a lot of work in therapy and maybe all of the above is redundant. Maybe you are not here to scratch around in the dirt, maybe this board is more a place of seeking solace and companionship in a time when you feel isolated in your home and relationship. It is one of the reasons I remain here. Then please ignore the above.
