She Wants Me to Leave 3rd Time .....EA or not EA?

[isittoolate]

It's December 4th and I feel like an executioners axe is hanging over me.

W' s stance hasn't changed since BD although we haven't directly had an R talk. She has skipped around it and I avoid it.
She originally said I could stay until after Xmas but we couldn't 'Iive in limbo'. She has used the odd phrase like - 'you might take the Damian Hurst' -referring to our print by that artist or yesterday ' we haven't had a talk about the future'.

I'm guessing that come the New Year she will turn frosty and distant and uncommunicative towards me - she did this 4 years ago - then there will be a confrontation and she will ask me to leave etc etc.

Last time I said I would move out but this time I will say no. I think then she will get angry and pursue a D. It puts the work in her court, but she is the stubborn and determined type.

Ok all this is guesswork and mind reading but she has a history of this and will repeat it for sure. I'm dreading NYE and the New Year!

This all changes though if EA and or PA is confirmed.

[Huddy]

OK, do you want to D? No? Stay away from that line, it's not constructive. Do you want to stay in the house? DB says you shold, but having just come out of an eight months 'in house' separation, I would advise, if you can, to have a break, just for a while.

Have you been recording?

[isittoolate]

Huddy - I will not mention the D word that will be W's choice. I'm lucky that I don't need spew jackets - at least not yet .
Yes I have been recording and hope to listen to some of it tonight.

I have revamped my NUTS:


1. I say what I want
2. Fear does not keep me from taking risks.
3. I do not tolerate my wife's attempts to disrespect me
4. I do whatever it takes to keep my family in our home.
5. I speak my mind in spite of my fear of confrontation
6. I only apologise when appropriate and not to appease W.
7. I am a supportive and loving husband.
 8. I am faithful to myself first, then my wife and our marriage - through better or worse.
9. I take care of my body through good nutrition and physical exercise
10 I exercise 3/4 times per week or more.
11. I choose to pursue friendship with people whose values and priorities are similar to my own and who I can trust.
12. I live below my means.
13. I put my needs first, then my families. If I meet my needs then my family will benefit
14. I put my children's future as my highest priority. Their safety, security, happiness. Their education.
15. I value my dignity, my appearance, my demeanour.
16. I work to live, not live to work
17.I will have me time for at least  60 minutes per day. During this time I will relax, and do some of my favourite things, read, drink coffee etc.
18. I value my integrity and honesty and work towards honesty with my feelings.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

14. I put my children's future as my highest priority. Their safety, security, happiness. Their education.
16. I work to live, not live to work

If she's actually cheating you'll have every right to divorce her and not bother reconciling or even trying to reconcile. Success can be found by leaving an abusive relationship too. That being said, divorce will negatively impact your kids (#14) so you may be amendable to considering reconciliation.

IF you are - it's a tough road to pursue and I suggest strongly that your likely best course of action should your wife commit to ending her affair and recovering your marriage with you would be to seriously consider the impact #16 is having on your marriage. Even the best marriages struggle when one of the spouses has to travel for work. Recovering your marriage and being able to hold your wife accountable as she defogs for months/years of wayward behavior and thinking would, IMO, very much necessitate you either quoting that traveling job OR moving back to London as I proposed earlier in your thread (which has the added bonus of moving away from the suspected OM).

I bring it up now as it may be something you end up discussing with her pretty soon here as a potential thing. Shortly after I busted my wife we spent many days and nights debating and discussing things. I did a lot of listening. Above you said you will "say what you want" but I found it important to try to say what's important but listen more. My wife wasn't ready for a lesson and I really wasn't going to teach her anything. She had to learn herself so when I did speak it was mostly trying to get her to consider another alternative, ask her to explain her flawed logic and listen as she went in circles and hit dead ends. Your wife isn't in love with you so your opinions, anger, threats and upset really aren't going to scare her - it'll just convince her that her current chosen path is the right one. Certainly the path from withdrawal to intimacy is through conflict but it might be a calm thoughtful and thought provoking conflict that is most productive towards accomplishing your goals (particularly #14). Be the leader of your family and, perhaps, by maintaining YOUR dignity and integrity you can lead her better to restoring and repairing hers IF & WHEN SHE CHOOSES to do so.


Here's a little quote I discovered.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man.

[mahhhty]

I like that quote!

[isittoolate]

Nothing picked up so far. Not sure how reliable the recorder is. It is supposed to stop recording when DB level drops below 30DB. There is only one time stamp as well. There was a lot of heavy rain last week and I think the recorder picked that up
It recorded 90 mins mainly of nothing but car noise and background. I need to fully charge it and try again.

I also got into another of her email accounts (she is rubbish with passwords) - one she occasionally uses (not work) and there was no evidence of EA/PA

Another bizarre conversation with W. Sometimes I think she is sooooo naive!

I'm getting my lunch when she starts to talk about a male friend at the gym who is infatuated with a married woman who goes to the same gym.

W tells me that he is infatuated but just wants to be this woman's friend and now she is telling him to back off and it's led to a big falling out that other people have noticed. This woman has unfriended him on FB and might change gyms and he is upset etc.

I say that he needs to back off and he is trying to ruin a marriage. W defends him (he only wants to be her friend) but agrees he needs to forget about her and move on but he can't.

I had to be careful and not come across too judgemental or critical of her friend. The conversation continued with us both agreeing that he needs to back off from this woman. He must have come across as pursuîng her too much and she has told him to back off and he hasn't, so she put her foot down. W used the word stalker but also suggested this woman wasn't blameless as she had said this guy was hot after too many drinks during a night out. She said the guy had made latched onto small compliments from this woman

I wanted to say that her friend was a potential marriage breaker and just wanted to get this woman into bed, that he was morally wrong etc but felt I should hold my tongue.

This convo convinces me that W sees her friendship with OM as perfectly normal, and not inappropriate. To her OM is just a friend. If it was more would she have told me this conversation

Remember this from last Sunday? Well, I rang W from the motorway to check childcare arrangements for tonight and tried to end the convo but she wanted to tell me about the bloke in the extract above.

Apparently he has freaked her out by getting her involved in his sorry tale. According to the guy a female friend of his holds a grudge against W for an unknown reason. W doesnt want any part of seemingly childish behaviour and told this guy so. She was supposed to be going to a carvery with him and some more gym friends on Sunday but has now declined. She is backing away from him.

I said he's probably got W on his stalking list and is trying to draw her into his plots and schemes. He's desperate and burning bridges at the gym with his Girlie friends. W sort of agreed and said she couldn't understand what was going on and thought him a sad loser.

It was good to be able to validate her feelings on this one.

[isittoolate]

A tale of Two dresses.

At Christmas and birthday W and I spoil each other with about £400 worth of presents about 6-8 big and small presents

W wanted us to reduce it this year to 4.

Last Saturday I decided to buy her one present for her birthday - a dress. NB I am a really good present buyer for W and have spontaneously bought her dresses in the past, even shoes.

I was choosing a dress online last Sat and showed a couple to W to ask her opinion.

Anyway I ordered one and gave it to her this morning with a cup of tea in bed.

She was a little disappointed - she had thought She was getting another one that I had shown her and had even showed a picture of it to her work colleagues - saying 'he's getting me this dress'. But I'm not a mind reader and didn't know she liked that one most of all

The dress I actually got her she really likes as well but now wants both. One for Xmas and one for birthday. C'est la vie!

For the ladies on the forum here they are

http://www.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-RED-CARPET...U36-xoCQkTw_wcB

http://www.asos.com/Body-Frock/Body-Froc...spx?iid=6027193

I got her the red dress.

Anyway she really appreciated my efforts and I got a big 30 second hug from her. She initiated it- the first since BD.

[isittoolate]

Yesterday was another pretty good Day. The family went to the gym in the morning. The kids did active crew, I did 10k on treadmill and w did her combat class. A few weeks ago W was resentful of my presence in the gym - she didn't want me anywhere near her - yesterday she approached me to talk to me on the treadmill.

Later we had a family day out with two other families . A train ride to see Santa on a steam train special.

It was 1 hour car ride to get to the then 3/4 hours on the train and seeing Santa in his grotto etc then the car home.
It still felt awkward as W was not affectionate or warm towards me for the whole trip - I really missed just touching her leg, or putting my arms around her as the kids enjoyed themselves She was not cold either just a bit distant.

She was taking lots of photos of hot kids, Santa, the train, and her GFs but none of me or me and the boys. That hurt.

Later she put the pics on FB etc and she did say to me what a really enjoyable day it had been.

She seems tired but she had been out until 2:30am the night before. A few weeks ago I had been dreading this day - being out with families whose marriages seem solid - whilst ours [censored]. It turned out a lot better than expected

[isittoolate]

A recap of week.

No more evidence of EA....W doesn't seem to contact OM at all. It's probably gone underground, so the recording will show it for what it is. She doesn't like his FB posts and he hardly ever likes hers. I have access to a email account she sometimes uses ... No evidence of EA.

W still wears her wedding ring and her FB status is married.

No disrespectful talk from W and no resentment of my presence.

She reached out to me several times even when in Sweden re: the power outage drama, S11 being upset and her guilt for him being home alone. Her concerns re male friend at the gym, her concerns re FIL health,

I stepped up to pay for more of the kids activities and sorting out childcare arrangements. She agreed her being p1ssed off on Monday re childcare was actually her fault as much as mine.

I have done one foot rub ...last Sunday, and several times managed to touch her in a reassuring way, small of back , tap on leg etc. also I got a long hug for the bday present.
Twice she has used her affectionate nickname for me....once today.

It looks like we will be together on NYE with the same families as yesterday. It will be awkward at midnight.

Oh and she really really likes the dress I bought her for her birthday

And what about me. I continue to observe, monitor and try to do what works. I GAL when I can, salsa dancing and I have two Xmas parties this week. I am also taking the boys on an overnight trip to London next Saturday.

I am trying to be the man I want to be, to love her from a distance and remain a rock at her side, to be more confident and to stay focussed on DBing

[isittoolate]

More positivity yesterday.

I gave W her second dress as an early Xmas gift and it turns out she prefers the original one I bought her for her bday. She really loves it. It's nice to know my gift buying skills are vindicated again. I chose this dress, not her. She loves it more than the one she chose.

So I got another big hug which was nice.

She went to the gym in the morning then went to visit FIL in hospital in the afternoon - a 3 hour road trip.

I put all the outdoor Xmas lights up and all indoor decorations and tree.

In the early evening the boys and I had movie time at home - snuggled under a duvet - watching Home Alone ( yes the one from 1985!).

W was in a good mood when she returned.- she was singing - always a very good sign.
She later called me by my affectionate nickname - this is happening more regularly.

Later while watching TV I gave her another foot rub - this time she commented how good it was, very very good - the previous ones have just got a thank you.

This morning W left a note re the boys school activities. She signed it with a x. Again the first time she has signed with a x since BD.

All small signs, baby steps, small steps.