in house S (5)

[gs9]

Stand up to her. You can do it! Who cares if she fights about it every time? She always will if she gets her way every time.

My WW is a bulldog. She bullies her mom, she bullies her SIL, she bullied her XH, she bullies her friends, co workers, etc...
Do you know who she doesn't bully? Her Dad and now I, no longer. Why? Because her dad has never put up with her $hit and actually abused her as a child. This is definitely not a good thing but she knows she won't get away with it with him. And now me because I created boundaries and I no longer tolerate it. I stopped caring about her reaction when she doesn't get her way. For example- a couple months ago she was very disrespectful to me. I stated "I will no longer tolerate you or anyone else speaking to me like this" and I walked away. I had to re-enforce this boundary over and over again. Not verbally most of the time. I would just put my headphones in and walk away. A couple days ago she began insulting me in a conversation. I calmly stood up, said "my half of this conversation is over." and I left the room. She spewed some more $hit at me but I just kept going and left the house. About 20 min later she sent me a text that said " I'm sorry for being a jerk" I didn't reply but this is a huge step in the right direction for her and our R. Whatever that relationship ends up being I will not tolerate her $hit any more and she knows it.

You can stand up to her and it's worth it. You've allowed her to act the way she does. Allowing it enables it. It's a habit. Habits are hard to break but you can.

[sandi2]

Vise, is this your kids' college fund? I thought I remembered you saying earlier she was dipping into it. Just wanted to make sure I understood correctly. Thanks.

[vise82]

Hey,

Thanks for the support.

If I asked for proof on what she spent the money on I would be doing it for the principal of it as this time it totals $150 on "kids clothes". I don't think its a large amount of money to bother.

She is dipping into a government monthly child benefit we get that's around $300 per month.

She doesn't see how using the joint for her own expenses makes it hard to keep track of that money and if it was spent on the kids or on her personal expenses.

We don't have a kids college fund. Most people use the child benefit to save for that. This is a sore issue for me as well.

Plus I make more that her and she is giving me a break on the split of bills (her words).I pay 56% of each bill.

As you can tell with out a legal document telling each person the rule of engagement, there are no rules just agreements that can change as time goes on.

So with the big picture a head of me I will let this one go, but I wont forget, and I wont stop looking at the expenses.

It just made me mad that my work last month put a travel expence into the joint account and I said just take it off what I owe, she acted like it was her money, and that was money that was to go for gas and wear and tear on the car and toll charges. I said no its an extension of my paycheck. But ok the toll was $50 and gas was not even a tank of gas. She was fighting tooth and nail for $100 left after I paid those expenses. She wouldn't let me take it out. So yes I dropped that as well. I left it in the account. Why because she was arguing about it so much that I just wanted it to end.

Yes nice guy, thinking it was my fault for not updating bank info with that department of my work. And for backing down after getting a lot of resistance. Then I take the passive aggressive way to fix it. If I get extra pay from my work I don't tell her.

[vise82]

Hey,

So I decided to just text my W to ask if she still has the receipts and she calls me to ream me out, she said if you are going that route then we are going start looking at every little detail and I would be paying a lot more. I just said I want some rules so that I know what I am paying. She said she is looking out for me because if she is short $ her parents help her, and I don't have that. I should be happy that she is so nice to me and to stop questioning her on money, like I think she is stealing it.

I said I am just communicating and trying to keep things transparent.

[Fogg]

Its a rough situation vise and I can empathize with you. While its not likely to help your case to fight over a few dollars here and there the bigger issue is the way she keeps attacking you knowing you will back down. You are going to have to stand up to this type of manipulation and disrespect and get a footing to become a new, strong man but without being a cold [censored] about it. Sounds impossible, and it will be difficult but you can do it.

You'r trying to stand up to her but its not working the way you want it too at all. I'm not sure going through each and every receipt is the best way to get where you want but you do have to find a way to stand up to her without backing off the second she shows some claws and not melting the second she starts getting emotional.

I feel for you, this isn't easy.

So, she used this excuse of looking out for you since her parents have extra money and can help her. This is going to be held over your head since in her mind shes the one doing whats right (helping you)and your being the penny pincher who's trying to control everything. You can politefully refuse that help and explain you didn't ask for anything to be handed to you or for her to be nice, that all your looking for is to pay your fair share of everything and having an understanding of where the money is being used.

She really does need to have her account separate from the kids account. If you need to maybe you should offer to open a new account for the kids money that you both have access to if her moving to her own account is causing too many issues.

The situation obviously isn't working and causing conflict, so it needs to be changed. How you do that might cause other conflicts but its something you need to do.

If you need to pay more so that theres less conflict and things cant be used against you, then so be it. If you cant pay more and this is what needs to be done then you still have to find a way to stand up for yourself without being a dick.

[vise82]

Hey,

It is so hard to trust what my W says about looking at every detail and I am going to pay more. But then I asked my self what is in it for her?

She has asked for a raise in pay. She doesn't know that I know that. I think she has got one. Her pay has increased. I asked about her pay being all over the place and she has said that her hours are all over the place.

She is saying she is looking out for me. I find it hard to trust her right now.

[otw]

Vise
In my personl opinion, she is full of Sh*t! She is looking out for herself only. If it were me i would make a drastic change concerning the finances. I would completely separate everything. I would make checks out to the bills she is paying not to her.

Call her bluff.

[vise82]

Hey Fogg,

I agree with everything you are saying.

I do need to stand up for myself. she is just making it so hard for me.

You hit it on the head. She said she and her father are right for trying to help me and I am in the wrong for feeling uneasy about taking the help. I feel more comfortable if people just stuck to the agreements we had. I appreciate the help, but it puts me in a tough sitch of it being held over my head. Just like you are saying.

I see value in just keeping it fair following the rules so that there is no confusion and everyone is on the same page.

At first she said she will talk about it in the new year. I have read how WW will manipulate the H around Christmas time to get what they want (help with gifts ect.) only to change after the holidays are over.

I having a hard time believing what she is telling me. I find it hard to accept that she cares for me and is looking out for me. Of course I want to believe her, to believe that she does care.

I agree the sitch with the banking needs to be changed.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Although I am tempted to do that. It is so much cleaner and transparent. I know for a fact where my money would be going. I am on a path of trying to have a decent Christmas. I want to show W and her family she is crazy for S with me. I don't need to go to the inlaws with a crazy story of how I am controlling her money ect.

I will see how it goes for the new year. Continue DB and GAL and being the best Dad I can be.

Today she emailed me and it had a greeting and she put her name on the end of the email. Its the littlest thing but its a change in the right direction.

I have a B-day party for S6 tonight. The goal is to have fun.

[mvgfwd2]

You need to make a budget of all joint expenses. Housing, utilities, food, etc. and agree to a split. Move your income to a separate account. Write separate checks for your portion of the bill. It's a pain but you have little choice since money is a big issue. At least you can control your earnings and expenses regardless of what she does. Don't let her inability to manage money become your problem.

I would believe any car expenses and such for her car would not be a joint expense. Maintenance, fuel, loan, etc. Unless you agree to it. It's her car. If it's too much she can sell it and get something more affordable.