V, I'm so happy you're here and thank you for your kind words.
I share your distinction between snooping and Intel, although I had no way to express it. I am not looking to snoop. I am strategically gathering Intel.
When my wife's behavior changed I looked at her phone to see if my trust was misguided. Now I know it was, and that more time is needed. She may break off the early or she may not. That is her choice. I don't need or want the sordid details.
But I have the info I need. She is still not ready to commit to the marriage. Any additional info is distracting to me.I will continue to db and work on myself. Lord knows I have plenty to keep me busy on that front
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Tl2, that is exactly what I did for 2-3 months. I think I caught it just as it was reaching is peak and even have their responses to my confrontation and their strategies of evading detection. It's all saved and backed up off site for security. I'm not sure if I'll ever use it, but it is the ace up my sleeve my w had never seen. She knows I have something, but I never revealed what I have or how I got it.
But I'm tired of it. More Intel isn't healthy for me. She's asleep and her phone is 4 feet away from me, but ihave no desire to spy.
So I'm leaning toward option 2-direct about my needs without directly accusing her of anything. No matter her answer, my actions would be justified. But I'll do wait a few days before I act
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Minor early morning win - I didn't check my wife's phone this morning. I was tempted to look if I was right that they had a fight last night, but then I realized that nothing would be gained my it.
It saddens me to realize how much my wife's outlook on life is tied up with this POS OM. They fight, she is cranky as all get out at home. Sulking around the house and snapping at the kids. They are on the mends and she's all happy. Flirty with me, very loving with the kids.
I also didn't scrape the frost off of my wife's car like I usually do this morning, but that was probably more do to spite than any DB goal. It was mice to see her struggle to get to work without my help, but I feel crappy about it because I know it was really just a passive-aggressive move on my part. I can't honestly say I was trying to detach or showing her what it would be like without me. I still have a lot of improvements to make
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad, I scraped the ice off my own car this morning, its not that much of a struggle! I didn't pack my H's lunch yesterday or today and I feel passive aggressive. Its kind of funny how they can CHEAT on us and LIE to us and we feel bad that we aren't going out of our way to baby them with things such as scraping the ice or packing a lunch. I think I feel worse about not packing his lunch for 2 days in a row than he feels about cheating on me. I know, mind reading. But I usually pack him really nice breakfasts and lunches and snacks, all organic healthy homemade stuff, because he leaves at 5 am and I like to make his early mornings easier. This morning I could hear him scrounging around the fridge for something and I was in bed and I actually felt bad.
Lately I have been struggling not to do this - or check her FB or whatever. Not in a great place, if ya'll can tell...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
The sentence that got the truth from my WH was "we both know the truth don't we?"
I also said "if you are going to try to mislead me, that will make things worse"
Beware though truth darts will be a boil lancing exercise. They can be a game changer, in my case WH went public with an A, in the second he ranted and in the final case he left ranting.
In my case I had nothing further to loose and had already dropped the rope. WH even tried saying I had thrown him out of the house, when in actual fact he raged when truth darted about his location and stormed out saying I wasn't allowed to check up on him!. I was very calm and had it recorded. So if you do truth dart, try a recording. Truth darts work best without confrontation. Truth dart then STFU, let the other fill the silence gap. Lies are long winded and complex. Protesting is throwing it back on you. So no guilt on your part, plan the truth dart.
If you already have the Intel, you know, so decide exactly what truth darting is going to do for you.
If it's nothing at all and will set you back. Then STFU smoothies may be better.
I believe in Intel. Five serving friends, who, what, when, where and why.
There is a remarkable on line resource kit if you google how to tell the truth, PDF. It is worthwhile getting your own house in order first. Let he without sin throw the first etc and those in glasshouses should not throw stones. So test your own voracity.
Just my 2c.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/04/1503:13 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Apologies for some reason the whole post didn't post!
Once you have decided to truth darted then is the time to set your boundaries and decide that WW gets to know you are beginning to let go of the rope. You do so to protect yourself (pure motive) not for revenge (passive aggressive).
So, if you are going to make sure that WW knows that your boundary is breached then you have to set the boundary, and state it. For example my WH ranted about having the wrong bacon and was extremely insulting so WH when you speak to me like this I feel insulted, if you want food in future you will let me know by writing a list when I go shopping I will get the things you list. Then we had the apple juice rant. So WH since you have spoken to me in this way you can purchase your own food.
Otherwise the actions you take look random, be prepared to enforce a boundary consistently.
Also messing with car safety probably not the safest way of showing independence from WW, or o enforcing a boundary.
So , I am going to ask you some questions, if you are not ready to answer these then please say not now V. It's ok to defer or even not respond.
So:
Which boundaries of yours has WW breached?
What consequences do you foresee to those breaches?
How will you enforce those consequences?
If so, what are your boundary statements?
If you need help on boundaries there are terrific posts on the resource section of the site, I also like Al Turtle on boundaries, it's written for young adults but so beautifully written, it can appeal to any age. So Google Al Turtle Boundaries.
Just my 2c.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/04/1503:41 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sounds like you've got it covered and you're doing good on your detachment. I think that's great. In my original BD sitch several years ago, I found all kinds of useful information (I'm a software engineer) that allowed me to know, unbeknownst to my W, that she hadn't followed through on the no contact agreement. To this day she still doesn't know everything I know.
My W contracted an incurable venereal disease from her time with the OM...last I heard, she seemed to think he knew he had it and didn't tell her. Now I'm not so sure that she didn't get it from someone else and gave it to him.
Either way, I took enough precautions that I never got it. Anything reasonable you have to do to protect your physical health is something you should do.
In our sitch, my wife had unprotected sex with her POS OM for over 3 years and didn't tell me until their R was over. She contracted herpes. A couple or three months later, our youngest son (for the first time ever) started having cold sores on his mouth. I can't prove definitively that she somehow passed it to him, but it certainly hasn't helped me get over anything.
