onward - 13

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Hey there Jelly - I'm back. Kids left last night and I was feeling exhausted and stressed and sad. I sat down and fell asleep (something that happens for me every now and then)

I really do think you hit on something - maybe that's it, maybe I haven't allowed myself to express my feelings and certainly wasn't encouraged to do so by STBX. I don't know if I can even try to figure her out - she is a completely different person since BD compared to how we lived before that. I have to reach back to remember the good of everything - the last two years have certainly tainted my memories.

I do know that I never want to be in a relationship that isn't focused on communication again - and that was both of our problem. I know we lacked that and I believe if anything that was our main problem. Now - what made her go off the deep end, I can only speculate and I suppose it is done and doesn't matter, but I still try to figure that out.

Communication has been a889kijmajor problem in many facets of my life. In my relationship, I have not shared my feelings, not spoke about what I want and not been clear of what I find acceptable and necessary in a marriage. In business, I have been known to not communicate with clients, when even slightly bad news needs to be told, I put it off, which compounds the problem and compounds the bad news. this cycle continues.

I am aware of these things and am forcing myself to fix this.

and yes - that is pretty accurate. In the same regard as communicating, I do not argue either. Shut down and get on - that's about right.

I think about what I have learned and what mistakes I made that I can do better next time. I usually can see quite clearly what mistakes I have made and that usually obscures the positives - Even though that is not how I live my life with everyone else. I am a very positive person when it comes to other people. I can pick the smallest glimmer of light in any situation, make that the focus and build on it. I just can't seem to do that with myself.

and guess what - I can beat myself up about beating myself up. how about that

I have learned here - and maybe never heard it before. Be kind to yourself. This is what I need by me for me.

I have to run - but will finish this later.

Thanks for being here with me.
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