Can ALL marriages be saved Vol. 3

[Gmum]

Back in the dumps.

He came back with D last night. A little later than I would have liked, but whatever.
They brought a Christmas tree and we decorated it.

Then he starts asking me how I would like to communicate with him and asks if I want to write something first. Something being a plan on how I want to proceed with everything. He'd like to be moving ahead with something before Christmas.

I wish I was financially independent from this man.

[Mona52]

(((Gmum)))

Just because he wants more time with D, or he wants to put plans in place or he wants to keep more of his money or HE WANTS blah blah blah, does not mean you have to do anything. You are 100% in control of your actions and you only need to please yourself. He fired you from the job of pleasing him.

Next time he asks how you would like to communicate with him, let him decide, he can chose you to communicate with one of your fingers or with 2 specific letters of the alphabet, entirely his choice

You should peek back at your thread and look for all of your little 'i wish' statements. I think I might do the same. Then we will have a clear picture of what we really want, and those are the plans we need to have in place before christmas!

If you noticed, all the things he thinks he wants are things you have to do, but all the things you want are things you get to do. He is still focused on you, while you are starting to think of a world without him. That does not mean you are giving up, and when you think he is thinking you gave up on him and that will push him further away, recognize that thought as being there, but that it is not true.

Keep going with baby steps toward where you want to end up!

[gonegrl]

Gmum, I would choose to communicate with him by throwing darts at him. A different message for each body part that gets hit with the dart. I am sure us DB'ers can come up with the code.

I am sorry, I am very anti-spouse today. Going through my anger phase.

I hear you about the financial independence. When I left my job to have my D, I actually made slightly more than H at that time. And now I am starting all over. You will get to that point, we both will. What kind of work are you looking for?

[Gmum]

Mona and Pho, I think I love you both.

Mona, you have hit the nail on the head. Again. Just because he wants something doesn't mean I have to give it to him.
Every thing always needs to according to his time table. I'm so sick of it.
Besides, at this point I'm not sure he could be further away from me, so no point in trying to please him.

I'm strongly considering consulting with a lawyer, just to know my rights.

Pho, I'd love nothing more than to throw darts at him. He totally deserves it too.

As far as work, I don't have a clue. I was dumb enough to leave university when I moved to the US, so I don't have any kind of degree. Never had a job that I liked either. And then theres the issue of my D. She doesn't exactly deal with separation well and has only been away from me very little. She's in a play group twice a week and cries when I leave. The only reason I can do it, is because I love and trust the woman who runs it incessantly. Therefore I will need something I can do from home. It'll take a while to find a nanny and I won't be able to make enough to cover child care costs anyways....argh.

[gonegrl]

Gmum, can you work at a daycare or preschool or childcare center at a health club and bring her with you? Money won't be good, but maybe you could work your way up? Can you be a nanny for a family and bring her with you? Maybe take classes at night or online even and get a degree that way? Her separation anxiety won't last forever, if you start working and just meeting people and getting some experience, maybe you can gradually work up from there?

[Gmum]

He just sent me an email. Very kind and respectful which oddly just makes it worse.
Anybody who reads this will agree with him. And he's right.
It's just easier for me to deal with everything when I think he's being a jerk. But after reading this email I know he's not coming back. There's nothing to come back from.

Back to square one!

[PigPen]

Gmum, I haven't had a chance to read all the way back through your thread, but it talking to attorney is a great idea. You don't have to DO anything after the conversation but you'll know where you stand and will be able to sleep a bit better at night.

What do you love to do that you could share with the world? So many businesses are started out of situations like yours - desperation, heartache, and a need for income that can be earned at home. The internet is the ultimate game changer, you literally can sell anything at any time, without needing to hold the inventory.

If you have the time, spend some of it brainstorming. What do you love? What can you teach? What can you advise others on? Having a university degree is no matter these days unless you're going out to work for someone else. Play with the ideas.

Keep breathing too, you never know what changes are just down the road.

Hugs,

PP

[Gmum]

Thank you, PP. I really needed that.

I keep trying to think of what skills I have that I could possibly make money off. And honestly nothing comes to mind. Hopefully my H can help me get a bit of translating work, but it certainly won't be enough to sustain me either.

My IC gave me homework: to think of things that I'm drawn to. I have a few answers, but again nothing that translates to $$$

[Mona52]

When I thought of going back to school, I went here first:

http://www.bls.gov/ooh/

The gov't shares statistics on the outlook of jobs. They talk about what kind of school you need, what kind of work you do, how much it pays, how much growth is expected and more.

Once I found a few jobs I thought was interesting, then I looked for a college that could get me a degree 100% online. But I also want to second what PP said. You don't really need s degree to get a career or to start a business.

[mahhhty]

Gmum - What have you always wanted to do, but never had the guts/time to do it? What is your dream job? Do THAT!