Julie, the withholding of money definitely speaks volumes. I wish you were in my town, I need a friend in this same position to take on the world with. Virtual hugs will have to do, you are strong, protect yourself, take it slow if you want to take it at all. If his intent is genuine, time will tell.
I don't know if it's as much about what works/doesn't as much as it is timing and not doing anything unless it's desired and reciprocated. Unfortunately, I don't really have direct experience with what works because my wife was never really receptive once we started down this path, and never really reciprocated.
So I know what doesn't.
I wish I had stuck with DB'ing back then because at least I would have remained detached and not been lulled into false hope. I have to add that my STBXW is very passive-aggressive, manipulative, and dishonest...much more so than even the 'typical' cheater. She's a serial cheater, frequent adulterer going back to her teen years.
So I think following the DB pattern of staying detached and matching what the spouse does in intensity, and taking it very slow is what I wish I'd have done.
JPEG, yes it was nice to hear, but I am afraid to believe them. He also said he has no expectations or hope but feels we owe it to kids to try (he said everything I was saying months ago). I just keep envisioning an attorney telling him, "listen she wants to reconcile right? Tell her there's a chance and buy yourself some time so you can ... ". I am also mad as well. I feel like his behavior torwards me was horrific. I am also afraid of having a relationship similar to his parents (which is what it seems like he wants) I have to reread DR and some relationship books now that are very pro marriage.
Tl2, I will stay detached and make sure he is initiator. If he truly wants reconciliation, he will put the effort in, but at this point for me to do anything will be pursuing and I will never do that again. My husband's good qualities is that he is honest, direct, and not a womanizer. He is not impulsive at all and takes a long time to make decisions. His bad qualities are that he does not communicate well, he has been enabled by his mom and often feels like family owes him to help out, his needs come first, and he procrastinates. He is weird with money and is so independent that he often looks out for what is better for him instead of family unit.
Pho, you are right about time telling. My big flaw is that I am not patient. Wouldn't a divorce busting meet up group be the best! We would never lack for conversation!
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Me too. I can't tell you what to do, but I'd give my right arm to hear those words. Do protect yourself though. And keep in mind under which circumstances you'd take him back/work on it.
I know how it feels Julie, to hear those words. It puts you in a weird place (my W said something similar back in the day). It's tough but you still have something to work with!
You have a DB coach. Talk to your DB coach and follow their lead.
The concern I have is the whole 'worth a try' thing. How long are you going to try? Is this something where either of you give up at any point? Hard to work on a M when you're both walking on eggshells, looking over your shoulders, and watching the door as if to say "I want to make this work, but if it's not going to I'm going to make sure I get out first". On TOP of that, M's get TOUGHER before they get better. Piecing is hard, hard work. There are so many wounds to work through. If the idea is to test the waters to see if it is a dream marriage...guess what, it isn't. The M was bad already, it's gotten worse, not better.
The only upside is that he's maybe gotten a chance to consider the devastation of the alternative.
Ideally I would like to see the pressure removed. Like a formal separation...set time period...child support...and removing the pressure. Not agreeing to R...but agreeing not to D...and not to date other people...and to have regular visits with a counselor to discuss how to play it from here (agree DB coach is a great idea).
The idea would be to just take some pressure off and to stabilize things. Doctors don't operate on a patient when their system is in shock and sporadic, they calm the patient down and make sure everything is stable first. I would think you two should do the same. If he can be on board with approaching it this way then I'd be ok with letting things calm down, smooth out, and taking baby steps under supervision.
Again, see if DB coach agrees. I think they would. Mine gave me verbiage at one point that started with "The decisions we are making will have significant and lasting impacts for our family. It makes sense that we should be at our best as we make these decisions. We've both been dealing with a lot and it may make sense to slow things down and get to a spot where we're both on our game..."
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
GMum thank you. I am happy but afraid to be happy and dissapointed. Don't want to live through that again. I know this is just the beginning of either a lot of healing and hard work, or perhaps just so he could justify to himself that he really did try and nothing will come of it. Or there is an ulterior motive. If we end things now I am in decent position. in future I might be set up in disadvantageous position. I just don't know or trust this person anymore. (At one time I trusted him with my life, finances, everything!) so it's hard because he has been an opponent,
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
What words are worth staying in an abusive R? It may be words you would like to hear, but when a person has been abused, bullied and manipulated to the point they are almost brainwashed........how can you tell them to please try? Try what? What else is left to do? Do you really believe she should continue allowing him to treat her like an unloved, unwanted junk-yard dog, while he annihilates her? Frankly, I haven't seen anything he's said that would be worth a second of his terrible treatment.
He just wants to get out of paying her anything he's not forced to do, and as usual, he lies and makes her feel worthless in order to make her back down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Julie, I completely understand. Go with your gut. I'm sorry, I'm not caught up on your sitch, I didn't realize abuse was involved. Please protect yourself. If you feel that you can't trust him, you probably can't.
