dday, attempting to find clarity

[dday]

Did kid pickup tonight. Shortest one ever. I pulled in the drive and there is a truck there too. At first I was extremely hot. Then, I decided that I am not going to let it bother me, she is free to do as she wishes... I have no control. I walk up and the boys run out and W hands me clothes, backpacks, etc. First words out of her mouth are "that's neighbor girls new truck, she's been babysitting s4". I didn't ask, and wasn't going to.

I asked nothing, put stuff in the trunk and got in the car. Tonight, I actually felt nothing for her at all, good or bad. Like seeing a neighbor. I know I need to be like this, but I hate it at the same time.

My conversation with my preacher friend at work helped me today. I told him that I hate letting go of her, because I'm afraid it will be shutting the door. He said that I won't shut the door until she does something I can't forgive, or I meet someone new. And then it won't matter. I really appreciated that. It sunk in.

That talk, and the thinking of my W actions this summer, towards D and her erratic behavior and thoughts, are helping me tons today. I can finally look at this as her problem. Not saying I did no wrong, not at all. But I fixed all the issues she had with me, and I am still working on bettering myself. W has admitted that she can't get over things. Nothing more I can do, she is the one who won't try and forgive. One day this spring, I said "I miss you." She replied "I miss me too". Didn't realize until today what that really meant.