I don't know if it's as much about what works/doesn't as much as it is timing and not doing anything unless it's desired and reciprocated. Unfortunately, I don't really have direct experience with what works because my wife was never really receptive once we started down this path, and never really reciprocated.
So I know what doesn't.
I wish I had stuck with DB'ing back then because at least I would have remained detached and not been lulled into false hope. I have to add that my STBXW is very passive-aggressive, manipulative, and dishonest...much more so than even the 'typical' cheater. She's a serial cheater, frequent adulterer going back to her teen years.
So I think following the DB pattern of staying detached and matching what the spouse does in intensity, and taking it very slow is what I wish I'd have done.
