From the counselor, the 4 'conditions' have to follow in order. NC, then transparency, then MC, then wife IC. The last two I would personally switch the order, but I don't want to push the agenda that my wife is 'broken', and the pastor should be able to help get that through to her.
My fault is thinking this was going to happen at the pace I set. My counselor says it takes 20 love deposits to negate one withdrawl, and for SOOO long I was thinking it was a 1:1 ratio. Many good interactions will need to happen to get her to understand where I'm coming from - a place that wants to see reconciliation.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
From the counselor, the 4 'conditions' have to follow in order. NC, then transparency, then MC, then wife IC.
Well I agree with you about the order of the last two.
Quote:
My counselor says it takes 20 love deposits to negate one withdrawl, and for SOOO long I was thinking it was a 1:1 ratio. Many good interactions will need to happen to get her to understand where I'm coming from - a place that wants to see reconciliation.
Is the counselor talking about love deposits after the WW ends her A, or while she's still contacting OM? I understand about the love bank concept.....and I agree with Dr. Harley's teaching about it. However, when the woman is wayward and involved in an A....she has a closed heart to her husband. How do you make a deposit if the account is closed?
To me, it is comparable to the LL book. The LL book is powerful and very informative. Every couple should know the LL of their S and apply it. However, if the S is in an active A, applying the information from the LL book will seem very pursuing to the WS. I would think the same applies for the love deposits. It would be a challenge not to appear pursuing. So, you have to keep things balanced when taking in all this information.
This is a little example of how things can get confusing when you start getting counseling, reading marriage improvement books, and getting advice from various sources. You have to consider the status of your MR, and where you are on the road to recovery....or if you are headed in that direction.
Did the counselor say this in the presence of your W?
Last edited by sandi2; 12/03/1505:55 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Years ago (2006/7) I thought we were piecing the marriage back together when we really weren't. All I did was make things more comfortable for her to cake eat.
I agree with the love bank thing as well, but like sandi said, she has to accept your deposits. Be sure and see what her actions are telling you.
The addiction counselor and I have set goals to forgive myself and my wife. I was having a particularly bad day, so we focused on the M instead of me yesterday. I explained what I was trying to do, and he put my jumbled ideas into something that makes sense. His view on marriage is like mine, and like MWD, and like most on this site - most marriages can be saved.
I truly think my wife has moved on from the EA. The problem is that she hasn't shown conviction to me, as in saying 'me and the guy are done, I want to work on the M'. Instead, she let me know she broke it off with him, but I wasn't privy to what was said, they're still Facebook friends, still have each other's phone numbers, and could really start up at any time. She's now using 'we/us/our' instead of 'me/my/I'. That's good to see, but she's still not sleeping well at all, isn't working all that much on trying to make up, and from what I can tell is in 'withdrawls'.
The more I think and contemplate, it's apparent to me she just needs time, and not a MC breathing on her, or me breathing on her.
My addiction counselor mentioned that if she's not seeing the OM, and has SOME signs that she wants to work on the M, that me showing a little affection, lettign her know I care/love her would be a good idea. Deathly afraid of telling her that, as I want the 'definitive' answer of YES, I want to work on this M... but that might not come for weeks, or months.
I'm trying to stay relaxed in the morning, and try to have good conversations with her. Am I putting love deposits into a bankrupt heart? Time will tell, but so far she hasn't shrieked in horror when I told her I cared.
Last edited by trumpet; 12/03/1508:02 PM.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Well look at it this way. Unless her LL is something verbal, the best way you can make deposits while not pursuing too much is through your actions. Only you know what the best actions are...cooking dinner, working around the house/yard, cleaning bathrooms/kitchen, helping with kids.
It concerns me that she is still connected on facebook. If it were me I'd want all that disconnected and access to all her accounts, phone bill, etc.
The reason for that is...she is putting the burden of trust on you without going the extra mile to repair the damage she's done.
she needs to go the extra mile. Don't just give her your trust back. Don't make the mistake of making it too easy for her to return.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
tl2, you're right - burden of trust thing. GS9 - going the extra mile. Both relate to the same effort she'll need to do, when she's ready.
I think when the fog starts to lift, maybe she'll get there. I will continue to detach some and work on myself.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
It's frustrating to watch them be so "confused" when in reality it's not confusing at all. Dump the OM and stop stepping outside your marriage. Whenever anything comes up in life where there's a right choice and wrong choice, like whether or not to have an affair, then just go with the right choice and sleep like a baby at night. Life really is that simple. It took my own WW having a midlife crisis and darn near destroying our entire family to finally have that epiphany.
At this point in the process, however, you have a responsibility to make yourself the much better choice. Be there for her. She sounds like she's crumbling. Is it all due to her own actions? Absolutely. She needs emotional support. She was getting that from OM. If she can't get that from you then what's the point?
As for breaking it off with OM she has to show you actions not words. Tell her you wish you could believe her but then ask her if you had lied to her as much as she has to you, would she believe you? You need a formal NC declaration letter, witnessed by you. She needs to get the hell off Facebook. If she's in IC why aren't they telling her this? Getting the hell off of social media is rule #1 for wayward spouses. It's really simple for her to be a 50% partner in saving your marriage.
A talk I used to have with my wife is when we're much older and looking back at the story of your own life, which character do you want to be? The hero of your life or the villain? Why do something today you know you're going to regret for the rest of your life? Many many many of these talks snapped my wife out of her temporary insanity and we're better than ever today so, my friend, there is always hope.
From the sound of it, it seems that W got to call the shots on her return. A comeback with pomp and circumstance.
Having his number on her phone and as a FBF is a definite NO NO.
As everyone is saying, YOU make the ground rules and get ready for her huffing and puffing and eventual crying. By rules I do not mean control her but establish where who and what you will accept to believe her. I suggest to never let her call the shots.
Don't be manipulative, just firm and sincere with yourself and your feelings.
If they want in and really do want it, they will let you know.
