in house S (5)

[Fogg]

Another point to make with the pain and loneliness on how it's viewed different. I don't remember where I read this but to the WAS they broke our hearts once on BD and that's it. To the LBS it's as if our hearts were broken every single day since BD.

[vise82]

Hey,

I am not up or down right now.

Yesterday W texted me in the morning about cleaning up for the babysitter will be looking after the kids tonight. Then she emailed me pictures of my S6 getting an award at school. Then emailed me again just before I finished work. Some how my work called my W about the promotion I applied for to schedule an interview. I had not told her about applying. Well now she knows.

I wait till I am home now before replying back to anything that is not an emergency.

But that is the most in one day she has tried to contact me in a while.

W gets home last night and complains that the house is a mess, and questions what I have been doing. I said to her that I was cleaning but with getting diner ready and doing kids home work and watching the kids I could only clean so much. I asked her to put the kids to bed and I would clean. She starts to spew and spew, she was tired and worked 10 hours and all she wants to do is sit down. So she ignores my offer and begrudgingly starts cleaning and our oldest S6 pick up on this anger and he has a fit and I send him to his room crying for acting out.

Why does she feel that she can tell me what to do and then treat me like that when I don't do it to her satisfaction? The answer I have gotten before is that I let her treat me that way.

Another situation where I could have validated but didn't. I just don't think of it at the time. I just think of defending myself. I need to think Validate and enforce boundaries.

This morning W was up before I left, I did the normal good byes to the kids. Then I just say good bye guys, as my W was in another room she said it back.

We have been talking more to each other but about oldest S6 birthday coming up. We are both hosting it and ten kids will be there. W has invited his cousins and offered to them to sleep over at our house so they could go. I am surprised she offered that because that would bring her back into the MBR with me. At least while they visited. I will have to see if they will take the offer.

I am ordering the child's Christmas party tickets and I asked my W to let me know by Friday that past if she wanted to go then I would get her a ticket, didn't hear back so I guess no ticket for her.

One day at a time

[sandi2]

Its hard to believe that she does not feel separated. We have no physical contact anymore, none. The most we have had is when we were decorating the Christmas tree and her finger touched mine as she handed me an ornament.

Physical touch is not all that separation is about. That's how you feel, and you are feeling lousy over it. That's not how she feels. She wants more space from your presence in the house.

Because I know my W has it in her head that we are S and so much so that she is willing to entertain the idea of OM, secretly though.

Exactly! She is entertaining the idea of having OM in the house. She wants you gone out of the house, so she can have him over. Get it?

I have read Flights thread and to see how his changed to a point that he had enough and told his W that he would not have an open MR was something that will stick with me.

That's fine. What would you say if I told you that I have read many stories of H's telling the WW the same thing......and when she did not end contacting OM, then the H didn't know what to do. Well, if he gave a boundary and she didn't honor it, then what? Know this......the WW will test whatever boundary you give her!! She will push the envelope. Be prepared to carry through with the consequences of not staying M to her, if you hand her that boundary. It sounds good, but it does not ensure the end to an A or contacting the OM.

I don't understand why is she ok with me going to her parents house for Christmas, allowing the kids to not know what their parent relationship is, with about a month to go, More then enough time to get the S agreement sorted. Yet she does no work on it. and she complains that we are still in the same house.

B/c she wants to hang onto that part.

If she wants out so bad why is she dragging her feet??

She wants all the advantages of being M to you, without any disadvantages. She wants to keep everything she has through the marriage(that she likes), and have OM, too. She wants you to do what she says. She wants to rule. Is that so hard to understand?

[vise82]

Hey Sandi,

I don't know how you do it, all these sitch over and over most the same, some little different, all this pain and all the advise. It must get hard for you. You have a kind heart.

Its hard to realize that my W would rather have an imaginary OM over me.

I wish she is dragging her feet because she is unsure of what she wants.

I keep thinking I am a human being how can she treat me like this?

I had a thought last night. I woke up from a night mare of my brother forcing me to se that she has OM. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. I wanted to cry but I had no more tears. I thought about the time line of things. And before the EA started with the gay guy my W was talking to me about adoption. She wanted a girl. We had trouble having kids, lost 9 early on and one late in the pregnancy.

I had asked before I joined this group if she was mad about not having another kid, she said she wasn't because I didn't want one kid why would I want three. Although it would be nice to have a girl. I flat out turned her down on the adoption. In the beginning I did want only one. I came from a large family and didn't want a large family.

Is this a MR deal breaker of not having a daughter? Would she not love me anymore because I am not giving her what she wants a daughter?

I was thinking if this is the case she is messed up. We have two healthy boys, life is great with them. Am I that easily replace so that she can have her dream of a girl? She used to joke about if I wouldn't give her another kid she would find a man that would. Maybe she wasn't joking. But why would she even say that?

When we got married it was a two year engagement. I was so left out that I had a gut feeling that the wedding was what she wanted and I was not an important part of it. Like I was an accessory for her. Marriage was her goal and I was merely a place holder. Now this could be feeling of just being left out of focus as she was planning the wedding. But its hard not to look back and join some of these thought from the past together. I can see an unloving, goals at any cost manipulator.

Last night we both went to my S6 cooking class as we were served a dinner with the other parents. I got to see who she was sitting with while my son cooked all these weeks. He is a man with two girls, divorced, sloppy and loud. Everything I am not. At the table He and my W had conversation and were friendly. Some how his two girls are invited to my sons birthday on Friday. I watched and my son pays no attention to these girls. He is at that age I guess. My W must have invited them. She also mentions how this guy acts like my old best friend that we used to hang out with early in the relationship. Is this an OM she is pursuing?

This is all speculation and reading into things.

Really at the dinner us being quiet was typical for us, we never had to say much, we had an unspoken language, we were always close, side by side.

It was not good. I am glad I was there for my S6. He was so happy to have both his parents at something together. I was there with my W but she ignored me. It was like I wasn't there. she was cold. I can see that Christmas at her parents house is going to be very difficult. If the kids knew we were S I wouldn't be going. I am going for the kids.

[vise82]

Hey,

W texts me today, S4 is crying for me. He wants me to call him, so I call but now he wants a hug from me. I tell my W to give him a hug from me.

This is the sad part of all this. The kids are the ones that get it the worst of all of this.

I have read in many threads how the kids cry for another parent when they stay at different houses. Reading threads like that about a sitch that is further ahead then mine show what the future can hold and allows me to at least be some what ready for when it happens to me.

W is texting me again about her weight loss meeting and what to feed the kids. I want to reply and I could be texting her all day. She thrives on that type of communication. But I will just reply when I get home and keep it short.

Loving her and hating her comes in waves now. Having what we had is just a reach away. Temp checking, I have done it in the past with disastrous results.

I need to keep my cool.

[otw]

Vise
Been a few days for me, but this drove me to reply as you hit my heart strings. I wish i could give you some positive news about the kids, but mine have steadily had issues when they leave me or are not with. My D7 who started ok is now voicing her opinion on the situation.

If anything good will come from it for a family or relationship W is going ot have to recognize what she is doing. I know it hurts her when they say things about not wanting to be there with her. I think she is scrambling trying to figure it out. She is buying them more things thinking they just need fun stuff there with her, but that is not it.

I know you keep up with my situation so just keep reading and i will explain everything i do. I make my kids the priority over everything, and they know it.

[vise82]

Hey,

Last night W was putting together party favors for S6 birthday, so I offered to help. It was a good intersection as we watched TV and put them together. I also fixed a humidifier that I said I would the other day. Its working so we don't have to buy a new one.

In the morning I was about to leave for work and no one was up. then my W call for me, I go to talk to her and shes naked in the bathroom and then grabs a towel to cover her self but not before I saw too much. She continues to talk to me with just the towel and I cant even concentrate on what she is saying.

I get ready to leave and I get called again, My S6 has thrown up during the night and morning. So I stayed home to look after him. This is a 180 for me as I find it hard to stay away from work, and W usually stays home with the sick kids.

We were all in the family room and W is sitting on the floor now eating breakfast fully dressed. She starts talking to me about today and the birthday party and I am just looking her in the eyes and listening and taking, and she is doing the same. I haven't talk to her like this in a long time. I try to see if I can push her limit of eye contact and she lingers there with me looking in each others eyes. It was so nice. But I was cool about it. like I was indifferent about how long I could look in her eyes. But that connection we had early in the MR, I could feel it again. I don't know how she felt but I will let her figure it out.

We are talking back and forth today because S6 is sick and she wants updates.

one day at a time

[vise82]

Hey,

I got the list of bills to pay from my W last night. It doesn't look good, W was not kidding about not paying bills right now to pay for gifts. I have agreed to this, but it just feels wrong. This is what she has done for years. So the list had a lot of clothes she said for the kids. Just a lot of stores with nothing specific, she gave me no receipts. All I can see is that x amount of money was spent at X store.

I have already mentioned that I am not a fan on how she pays the bills, no need to mention it again right now. I am not going to push this as its all small amounts and I can see she has left out big purchases on the list that she is not asking for my half.

I thought of what I can do about the child benefit that she is dipping into, I can just take half of it. If she refused to stop using the joint account like her own account then I will take half of the benefit. Standing up for what I want and think is right is tiring when W puts up a fight about it every time.

I have to get buying gifts for my IL's and I am making gifts for my Kids.

I also have an interview for a promotion next week I need to get ready for. The kids and I are getting our hair cut next week also (yes the same female barber, I cleared the air with her)Need to get the winter tires on both cars. (I know rules say not to do W car but I drive it sometimes as well)

Well back to my sick kid, looks like he should be better tomorrow as he is better right now.

[sandi2]

I think you are going to really regret agreeing to her spending and not having to produce a receipt. If she has done this for years, why in the world have you allowed it? And.....you are still allowing it, and you don't even know if she's going to stay M to you.

Standing up for what I want and think is right is tiring when W puts up a fight about it every time.

But that's how nice guys do, right? It is easier for them to just let the W do whatever she wants, rather than stand up to her.

She is affecting the children's benefits. She is not going to just stop....not as long as she gets nothing more than you complaining a little. You have to protect what is suppose to belong to the kids. Some day when she comes out of this, she'll be saying, "Why didn't you stop me from spending everything"?

[otw]

Vise
I eventually told my wife the account she had access to is for the kids and food for the house. She tried to say that is all she used it for, i then gave her specific examples and told her there is a new charge every day from stores and i know the kids do not need stuff that much. She eventually stopped after i said something and it was drastically different with the spending.

stand up