Mutatio, I am not giving up on him. I still love him so much, but he is so extremely self absorbed and I literally feel like my body is going to break down on me from stress and sadness. My jaw hurts all the time, now I am back to crying every day. I just can't take it any more.
Last night he told me that he is just as depressed as this time last year, he feels helpless and he feels like his life is hell. It is too painful for me to even write this post, but last night was like an exact replay of last year. All the events/thoughts/ etc that went into him breaking down. Except that this year all 4 of the major "stressors" that set him off last year are greatly improved. Every single one of them is so much better. Life is moving forward, problems being resolved, but H is still stuck at ground zero.
I have so many thoughts and I want to write them out and get feedback, but right now this is just too painful. I spent most of today with a friend, now home to get the kids from school, then off to MC.
I need a job and I have stepped up my job search this week. I have known this for awhile but it is crystal clear now.
It is hard to see what it looks like being in the same place. Even after all the work and time that has gone into solutions. The pain you are feeling must be unbearable. You are so kind to be so concerned for your H.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
I'm sorry if I put undue pressure on you yesterday with my emotional overreaction to your comment. I am shocked by my reaction. My wife's behavior is affecting me more deeply then I thought. Again, I am sorry that I made your life harder with my drama.
Pho - I can feel your pain through your words. I pray that today was a better day for you. I like what Calibri said about not dimming your light. You are so compassionate towards your H.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
I'm sorry if I put undue pressure on you yesterday with my emotional overreaction to your comment. I am shocked by my reaction. My wife's behavior is affecting me more deeply then I thought. Again, I am sorry that I made your life harder with my drama.
Mutatio, you have never caused me one moment's pain, ever. You are so good to me, I feel you are honest, sensitive, and real. I need that in my life, as there is a huge hole in my heart due to H's insensitivity and self absorption. I can handle honest pain, honest emotion, it does not hurt me, but gives me connection to a real person. Keep it coming, tell me how you really feel, challenge me, you are my friend and we are in this together.
I wish I could talk to your wife and make her see how lucky she is.
Calibri and Vise, thank you. I am a slow learner apparently, detachment is going to save me and will be the only chance of saving him. If he wants to be "saved." The more he talks the more I see how "broken" he is and I am not the one who broke him.
I have so much to say but I am so tired and I am going to bed.
I am focusing my next few weeks on Christmas and then my job search.
One thing at a time, everything done with love, self love comes first. I am figuring it all out, it is finally coming together for me, emotionally as well as intellectually. This has been a tough year. Watch out for me in 2016 because that is going to be my comeback year.
Roll on 2016. It can only be better. We are going to make sure of that.
You have come far and are imo holding up remarkably.Keep looking ahead and a better future is in store.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Last night he told me that he is just as depressed as this time last year, he feels helpless and he feels like his life is hell.
Thankfully, theres a rule about believing the things that they say.
Honestly, Im fairly behind in your situation. Im trying to keep up, but I tend to focus my time here on people that dont have as much support as you do.
But really, it isnt your job to fix his problems. You could dress up in a grass skirt and coconut bra to feed him grapes all day, and it wouldnt make him happy. Im glad to see you are working to find a job; I think having a break from full time "mom" would be good for you.
Pho, if you're a full time mom how are you getting by right now? I'm asking because I'm also a mom and I have no clue what I'm going to do. I need something I can do while still taking care of my D.
I'm with you in 2016 being a great year. It HAS to be. August 2014 my dad died, August 2015 my husband leaves me. August 2016 I win the lottery and meet the man of my dreams. Right?!?
