Priest had to cancel last night, sick parishioners. Feeling conflicted, I guess. One moment I am all wrapped up in this sitch again. Then the next I feel a bit better. Thats OK. Over time, you will notice that there are longer gaps, and the time you are "wrapped up" will start to shorten.
I am trying to go through bits of why I have trouble letting go. - W was the girl I was with when dad passed away. Hmmm. I dont have much experience with this. Do you think that moment is a key part of your time together? - W is the only one I will have kids with. Maybe. Shes the only one you HAVE kids with at this point. But you never know in the future. You could D and then find someone that has her own kid(s). Or, you might decide you want another one! - W is actually the only woman I have been with (tried to save myself for m). This was the same for me. If you read my thread, you can see Ive been with someone new for a month or so now. Honestly, I thought this was going to be a MUCH bigger deal to me than it was in reality. I had a lot of emotional stock built up into the singular sexual relationship I had with XW. But when I was with someone else, I wasnt thinking about that at ALL. But of course, YMMV. I see her a few times a week, kid swaps and sports, etc. How can you reduce this? Can kid swaps happen based on drop-off/pick-up from school?
All of this, I can't find with anyone else. Come on, now. Yes, you wont be able to recreate previous moments with someone else. But you can CERTAINLY find someone else that will find fulfilling. I know there is more to life than these things, true. I still love the W of the first 10+ years, not the last couple. I understand. Unfortunately, that previous W is dead. Theres no reason to hang around waiting for her to "come back".
I am starting to get better. It is her loss, as much as mine. But I did not give up. I can go through life knowing that I fought until the end. I will never look at my kids and say I should have tried harder. Yep. Hold your head high. One day, I hope she realizes what she has left behind. She might. She might not. By the time she does, you likely wont care. Maybe I will be waiting for her, maybe not. Why are you even waiting NOW?
I truly hope she finds whatever makes her happy. Nope. She isnt going to 'find' it anywhere. Unless she starts looking inwards. Hopefully, for her sake, she does. If it honestly is me holding her back, then I want to be out of her way. Again, nope. It is not about you at all. Yes, get out of her way. Let her do her thing. But its not about you. Never was. Never will be. I pray that she realizes that she WANTS to be with me. But my prayer now includes God, you know what's best... here is what I want, but I know it's not up to me now. That is a shift. Good. I dont know much about prayer. But how can you shift further so that you are focusing on just you and your boys?
I need to drop this rope, and keep moving forward. I'm scared, I guess. Feels like quitting. Id be lying if I said I havent struggled with this concept. Ultimately, youre not quitting. How long can you sit and look at an open door to see if someone is going to walk through it? At what point will you allow yourself to do something else? a day? a month? a year? 10 years? 50 years? Do you really want to give up the rest of your life to watching this door and hoping she decides to walk back through it? Even if you did and she did, do you think she would respect you for it?
It's not quitting. It's living your life. How long are you going to live your life for her?
