dday, attempting to find clarity

[dday]

Priest had to cancel last night, sick parishioners. Feeling conflicted, I guess. One moment I am all wrapped up in this sitch again. Then the next I feel a bit better.

I am trying to go through bits of why I have trouble letting go. W was the girl I was with when dad passed away. W is the only one I will have kids with. W is actually the only woman I have been with (tried to save myself for m). I see her a few times a week, kid swaps and sports, etc.

All of this, I can't find with anyone else. I know there is more to life than these things, true. I still love the W of the first 10+ years, not the last couple.

I am starting to get better. It is her loss, as much as mine. But I did not give up. I can go through life knowing that I fought until the end. I will never look at my kids and say I should have tried harder. One day, I hope she realizes what she has left behind. Maybe I will be waiting for her, maybe not.

I truly hope she finds whatever makes her happy. If it honestly is me holding her back, then I want to be out of her way. I pray that she realizes that she WANTS to be with me. But my prayer now includes God, you know what's best... here is what I want, but I know it's not up to me now. That is a shift.

I need to drop this rope, and keep moving forward. I'm scared, I guess. Feels like quitting.