Thank you so much for your words. Powerful words today. It has been a very hard days in my life.
I am letting go on the M I had, and it really feels like a funeral to me. The pain inside my heart is unbearable. I am crying now, something I have not been doing for awhile. It's late, kids are in bed, so I can cry in silence.
Crying because it is hard to think that XH did not want to try hard and fight for the love we promise each other one day.
Crying because I found out I was genuine and sincere during our M. I never betrayed him, never spent too much money, never did anything just focusing in my own self, never stop trying, never back down when things were tough.
I stood up by his side, always. He was building his career, went back to college, got his degree, got his promotion and then put a foot on my ass.
I have sorrow, anger, disappointment. I can't swallow the knot I have on my throat. I feel so bad because he treated me like garbage.
I stood strong facing all the dilemma with my kids growing up, and still do as a matter of fact. I cleaned houses to make more money to pay for his college.
How could he do this to me, how could he just do this to his family when he is so proud of his heritage as an Italian descendant. Family is sacred, we stick together during the bad times and we stay together celebrating the good ones. He still says that Cira is OHANA.
I know I need to do this for my own good, for my kids even. I know XH needs to go and do whatever he wants with his life. I know I feel better when he is not around.
It just hurt. If nothing more at least I have the consolation of doing what was right for me and my kids.
I am trying my best to face it all and still stand tall, walking with pride and liking myself. Sometimes I am overwhelmed, other times I feel lonely. It is indeed very hard to be so far from my family. I wish I could hug and talk to my mom side by side in bed, the way we did so many times. Just lie down in the same bed at night and talk about our afflictions.
I cry because he left us, he did not care about us, about me. I was not good enough, he needed to find someone else. He did a lot for this OP, he ignored 18 years building what we called family.
He still does not care about us, about me. He does not help in anything. School, college applications, scholarship letters, driving practices, graduation stuff. Anything. All what he does is to complain that his life is so miserable, that he does not have anything and it is being very hard for him.
Sometimes I even wonder why I have any love left for this idiot jerk. I think that I deserve better then what he is, what he offers.
Yes, he was always a decent man, a good provider, but now he is just my XH, just that, someone that did not give a damn to me. He talk a bunch of bull about his love for me, that he cares and can't get away from me. It's all lies, the same way he lied and had his secret life, sleeping around with another woman, creating his own single life on the side.
Why I can't just off him from my heart and my mind? But, even tough he is still there, I do not want this situation anymore. It is my time to get serious about myself and the life I deserve. I can't and I won't let him drag me to the bottom of the well anymore.
V, I do not need to wear any protection because I did not fall for XH charms anymore, I was able to say NO to him, and for that alone I am proud of myself. I let XH sleep right beside me and said straight that I did not want to do anything because I know what is wrong and what is right for myself.
I also imposed some boundaries, like I told him straight that he needs to have all his stuff our of my garage before XMas, that he will do the walk in a house to see if he wants anything for himself until the 31st. I told him that if he does not take his stuff that I will just drop them at his place and leave it in a driveway.
I told him I am not working schedules around his traveling, but he is the one to work his schedule around his kids needs.
I told him I wish him the best, but from the 1st day of next year it will be mine and I will own my life just for myself. I said to him that I left my door open for this long and now I am accepting what it is and will look into my own path.
Your explanation of dropping the rope is really what I am so hard trying to do. I guess I am succeeding because my kids are being very careful with me, they ask me questions all the time, they are around me like little bees. I think they sense the change, and they fear the change.
There is more to it too, I did set up an investment account, I closed some more accounts that had XH and I together. I am dealing with the house paperwork, transferring it to my name. I am looking into starting a business with the boys. I started working on my poetry book again.
My older son will take some vacations with my family in Brasil and I am thinking to take a few days on my own, go somewhere and regroup.
It has been a painful journey, I have learned and I am leaning a lot about R, commitment, respect for others. I could even say that I am a better person now then I was when it all started.
I will listen to V now, you are a very wise person and you always give me good advice, even when talking about RD. Yes, he may be a distraction, and I know I am also a distraction for him, but it is amazing how much this distraction has helped me when I was in so much desperation. RD is somehow a symbol of hope.
And don't be surprised if I end up taking my solo vacation days in Ireland. I may stand on RD's doorsteps asking for some water. I always find whatever I look for.
H is gone, dead, now he is just XH, not family, no one to me. I need to move on, be strong to just let go.
Again, thanks for the encouraging words, it means a lot to me and help me a lot to get stronger every day.
