in house S (5)

[vise82]

Hey Sandi,

I don't know how you do it, all these sitch over and over most the same, some little different, all this pain and all the advise. It must get hard for you. You have a kind heart.

Its hard to realize that my W would rather have an imaginary OM over me.

I wish she is dragging her feet because she is unsure of what she wants.

I keep thinking I am a human being how can she treat me like this?

I had a thought last night. I woke up from a night mare of my brother forcing me to se that she has OM. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. I wanted to cry but I had no more tears. I thought about the time line of things. And before the EA started with the gay guy my W was talking to me about adoption. She wanted a girl. We had trouble having kids, lost 9 early on and one late in the pregnancy.

I had asked before I joined this group if she was mad about not having another kid, she said she wasn't because I didn't want one kid why would I want three. Although it would be nice to have a girl. I flat out turned her down on the adoption. In the beginning I did want only one. I came from a large family and didn't want a large family.

Is this a MR deal breaker of not having a daughter? Would she not love me anymore because I am not giving her what she wants a daughter?

I was thinking if this is the case she is messed up. We have two healthy boys, life is great with them. Am I that easily replace so that she can have her dream of a girl? She used to joke about if I wouldn't give her another kid she would find a man that would. Maybe she wasn't joking. But why would she even say that?

When we got married it was a two year engagement. I was so left out that I had a gut feeling that the wedding was what she wanted and I was not an important part of it. Like I was an accessory for her. Marriage was her goal and I was merely a place holder. Now this could be feeling of just being left out of focus as she was planning the wedding. But its hard not to look back and join some of these thought from the past together. I can see an unloving, goals at any cost manipulator.

Last night we both went to my S6 cooking class as we were served a dinner with the other parents. I got to see who she was sitting with while my son cooked all these weeks. He is a man with two girls, divorced, sloppy and loud. Everything I am not. At the table He and my W had conversation and were friendly. Some how his two girls are invited to my sons birthday on Friday. I watched and my son pays no attention to these girls. He is at that age I guess. My W must have invited them. She also mentions how this guy acts like my old best friend that we used to hang out with early in the relationship. Is this an OM she is pursuing?

This is all speculation and reading into things.

Really at the dinner us being quiet was typical for us, we never had to say much, we had an unspoken language, we were always close, side by side.

It was not good. I am glad I was there for my S6. He was so happy to have both his parents at something together. I was there with my W but she ignored me. It was like I wasn't there. she was cold. I can see that Christmas at her parents house is going to be very difficult. If the kids knew we were S I wouldn't be going. I am going for the kids.